16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Exactly this! She just wants a rise from you, just ignore her.

No way would we enable this. What has been going on to make her want to presumably leave education and set off on this path away from her family? Work on that, help her get a part time job for more freedom money and life experience. As above, make sure she feels loved no matter how horrible she has been. Help her with school so she had maximum qualifications for a good career and income going forward.

I used to work with social workers and I am still friends with most of them years later. Do you want me to ask them ? It's not like they would be giving out any confidential information about a case as it is just general advice....?

Try not to get sucked into explaining reality to an angry teen. Fake calm, say you would be devastated if she left as you love her and would miss her but if she wants to go you will help her research her options.

She won't listen to you explaining realittvunless she asks for help so just keep telling her you will help her find out options if she needs to do this because you love her now and you will in the future.

As much as possible be on their side - whilst still insisting on minimum standards of respect in the house.

You could also ask what might be possible to change to make life at home easier. Look at a list and work on one for you in return. If she doesn't want to wash up how else can she help. Do you go into her room (looking for laundry) without asking. I am constantly astonished by how many parents dont respect boundaries of their teens. Could you be caring for her as a 14 yo rather than a nearly 16yo?

Dont be the poster mum for how crappy the world is. If it is a boyfriend then make sure she can always run back home without any humiliation if it goes wrong.

I’m not sure if there is much difference between 15 and 16 in the eyes of the law. Pull her bluff and ask her why she is waiting?

Its not just rent though is it? All the other bills and shopping youll have to pay for. Surely if she isn't aware of how to budget/have her own income she is no way mature enough to rent and look after herself. Nowere will rent privately to a 16 year old even at 18 they would want a guarantor. I highly doubt any local authority has council housing for a 16 year old who isnt genuinely homeless. In my city they would be given a hostel place possibly a hotel room at the very most. I work with teens id sit her down and get her to write down what her plan is, how will she fund independent living, get her to see all the things she needs in place before she could ever achieve this eg job, deposit, furniture etc. Get her to look at properties and the requirements to apply for them. Encourage her to become mature and self sufficient ready for when shes 18 and all this could be more achievable. Yes she'll likely carry on been a selfish doosh but shes safe at home and once 18 if shes dead cert on it you can release her into the wild and be ready to embrace her back in about a week! Good luck teens will have our lifes thats what vino was invented for. 😀

Alternatively (might be easier ) ...Chat gpt said :
At 16 she can legally leave home, but that does not mean she can simply rent a flat or be treated as an adult.
The practical reality in England/Wales is:
• She cannot sign a tenancy in her own right under 18. Most private landlords will not rent to a 16-year-old at all, even with parental backing.
• If she leaves and has nowhere safe to stay, the council has a statutory duty under the Children Act. She would be assessed by Children’s Services, not Housing.
• The council’s first step is always to try to return her home if it’s deemed safe (which from what you’ve said, it would be).
• If reconciliation is not possible, Children’s Services may place her in supported accommodation / foster-type provision, or very occasionally a supervised hostel — not independent living.
• She would not automatically get a council flat, UC, or benefits. Any financial support would be managed via Children’s Services, and often comes with conditions (education attendance, curfews, support workers etc).
If she “walks out” and presents as homeless: • Police may return her home if she’s deemed at risk
• Children’s Services will be notified
• Parents are usually contacted immediately
• It becomes a safeguarding matter, not a housing one
Even if parents are willing to pay rent, there still has to be a legal adult tenant or guarantor, and most landlords still won’t accept it because of safeguarding and insurance issues.
In short:
A 16-year-old cannot just move out and rent, and the system is deliberately designed to make that very difficult unless there is genuine harm at home.
From experience, once teens understand that the reality is social workers, assessments, rules, and loss of independence, most realise it’s not the freedom they imagine.
You’re sensible to think ahead — but practically, this would almost certainly circle back to home unless there were safeguarding concerns.

You need to tell her that she’s welcome to move out - once she’s earning enough to support herself - not just rent, but all the bills too.

She sounds even less mature/sensible than her age would suggest. I’d also point out that she would hardly be a priority for any council housing department!

Just to note, this popped up on my Facebook, if she could see it and guess it’s you I’d remove it! You don’t want her knowing you’ll fund her crazy ideas!

Why is DD so keen to leave ?

Is she part of a drugs/party scene gang & thinks her older drug "friends" will pay for all her expenses ?

Life is hard when you are older & paying for accommodation, bills, food, transport & this is without any luxuries. How would a 16 year old do all this ?

Is she still at school ?
if so I would suggest contacting the school safeguarding team who can offer advice & help asap

Social worker here - Young person supported accommodation is few and far between and in a worse state than the rest of the housing market! It is often full of people leaving care placements or young people who are experiencing significant distress like abuse, exploitation or family breakdown. Drug use and exploitation is prevalent and so are mental health difficulties and teen drama but with zero parental oversight of said drama so they escalate and spiral meaning placement breakdown for one of the young people. Support staff try their best though!

If a child presents as “homeless” to the local authority then you can guarentee a phone call from a social worker to say she best stay with you until she can afford to move out - unless there are safeguarding concerns which is why she wants to move out but you haven’t shared with mumsnet.

Also social services will do everything in its power to stop young people moving out because they know how dangerous/unsuitable young people housing can be. Please give your head a wobble and please please please do not rent somewhere for your child - yes legally she is a child. As soon as someone unscrupulous finds out she is a long child in a flat on her own she will be pounced on.

Blimey, I can’t believe you are considering to pay. She needs to learn about consequences so let her move out with no money and she’ll be back in a flash. She can work hard in school and go to uni in 2 years time, how about that. You need to try to find out why she is so unhappy , not pay for her to move out?

Nobody will rent to her so she will have to go to The Council and say she is homeless. They will want you to confirm you have made her homeless so don't.
However I feel that the fact she is threatening this and you are even entertaining it may not be unrelated

My middle daughter said this regularly from about 14 and a half to a week before she turned 16.
Then never mentioned it again.
For that 18 months I said that the moment she could pay her own way, she could leave home and surely it would be better all round!
She has gone on to be a perfectly normal adult.

If it helps, my daughter hated me at that age. We later found out the reason was nothing to do with us,it was an external factor. She eventually left home at 20, lives within 5 mins walk, we get on brilliantly.

There's something going on you're not aware of.

I haven't read the full thread so it may have already been said, but perhaps she has someone lined up to move in with who won't let her until she is 'legal'.

That's how I ended up leaving home, and with the Internet giving her access to all sorts of people this is a possibility I think

Rescuing her from her poor choices would be a terrible parenting move. If she really is stubborn and silly enough to do this then let her try and realise her mistake. She will soon be home. Madness to pay rent!

There has been some good advice towards the end of this thread - as others have said, if she presents to the council as homeless, she will be assessed under children's services and they will do their very best to convince her to come home (if they deem it safe), but if not they have a duty to house her, and it would likely be in supported accommodation which generally is not pleasant!

I would be proactive and self-refer into children's services. Explain your concerns. They may be able to allocate you to a child and family support worker who can speak to her about the reality of where she is likely to end up if she presents as homeless. They may also be able to offer some Family Group Conferencing sessions to support you to find a way forward together

'ok then if that's what you want. We'll miss you obviously. just know you've always got a home here...' then leave her to get on with it.
Don't bother doing her planning/budgeting/house hunting for her.
She'll either: A. Change her mind right at the last minute. B. Go stay at a mate's for a week before crawling back. C. Do the thing that kids who actually feel they need to leave home do and contact the council, social services, whoever can help (be prepared for her to have lied in order to get help so figure out if you'll support that or not - I'd suggest not because it will mean hostel or other unpleasant accommodation, which someone else probably badly needs)

I left home at 17 (though I had been at boarding school since I was 13). I lived in a shared flat in London and then in a flat by myself at age 18. It wasn’t a life of luxury but it was okay and quite fun, I had a job and spending money and never got into debt (much to my parents surprise), I even managed to save a bit.

Does she currently do her own ?

Laundry (is expensive at a laundrette, not all accommodation comes with its own washing machine/drier)
Cooking
Have any access to her own money/budget ?

And it costs the LA money to fund it too. And the ones that need it most will be prioritised, the ones that quite frankly have a sh* home life, with stories so sad and horrible of parental neglect , abusive (physically, mentally , emotional & sexual & sometimes all of those ) often due to a multiplicity of reasons . They aren't going to give a stroppy teen a flat , when she has all she ever needed and more at home , with loving parents who obviously bend over backwards for her to meet her every need and whim (ok , maybe too much in this case, but it is clear that op is a good mum , who worries and makes allowances (including monetarily ) about her kid's safety ) that had a tantrum about washing up a plate. She'll grow out of it. Its a developmental thing to be an arse up until you are about 18, maybe to even your mid 20s when u bloody release a) How expensive life is b) How stupidly hard and tedious things are for a grown adult and therefore what an arseh u were to parents who gave you everything and still did it , even when u were an arse*.
Forgive the abbreviations, I am lazy, have adhd, and am eating pizza with a cat balanced on my sofa whilst typing this msg.

I found my life at home intolerable when I was a teenager. I was saved by the fact that a friends Mum took me in. My parents paid a sum for my board and lodging until I finished my A levels. That woman saved my life.

As a social worker who has come across this in practice...

1. Local authorities will not give her her own tenancy until she is 18
2. Could private rent in practice but unlikely to find a landlord who would agree this in a competitive rental market
3. If she presents as homeless a social worker will likely call you and say she is your child, your responsibility you need to take her back. Or explore your wider family to see who else she could stay with.
4. If in the unlikely event the local authority agree to accommodate her, she can agree to this herself but will likely to have follow even more rules and restrictions and will have tk budget on about £60 a week for food, activities, essentials and travel.

Sorry if this sounds negative, teenagers who thi k they can just move out at 16 are the referral i hate the most.