16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Thank you to everyone who answered my question.

The underlying problem is that she is a teenager who is old enough to want all that she sees but not old enough to understand it, handle it or pay for it. She wants what she sees as freedom to do as she wants without realising that it comes at a massive cost, so that it isnt freedom at all.

When this happens, which it does to most teens even if they dont vocalise it but just think it, the thing to do is anti parent. To nod and smile and let them get on with it. Forcing conversations, saying "Oh but darling TALK TO ME!!" will have the opposite effect to the desired one. Let her get on with it, let her walk on the wall with no one holding her hand. Lessons are only learned when we fall.

If she is being really stroppy, why not suggest boarding school for sixth form - state boarding school not some fancy place that does their laundry. My dd boarded for sixth form and she quickly realised how easy home life was.

@Allaboutthechild From your updates, this sounds like awkward teenager talk, she hasn’t considered the realities of independent living at all- she’ll be terrified if she does speak to SS/CAB about her options.

Just keep talking to her about what she wants to do after her GCSE’s,

My DD (20) has said that she realizes that she had a good upbringing after going to uni and meeting people who really did/do have a lot to contend with. She was pretty awkward from 13-15 too, but suddenly matured at 16.

I would sit down with her and discuss it in detail with her as a support. Go through all of the bills with her (show her yours if needs be) council tax / energy / phone / rent everything and then talk to her about how she plans to cover those costs. What is she doing to plan for that? It’ll soon put her off when she realises it’s totally impossible!

Call her bluff. Wish her well. And don’t pay any attention to this ridiculous idea. Where is she going to go and what’s her big plan.

I really feel for you op, this is incredibly hurtful for you

From the your other thread, you have a very troubled teenager. As well as carefully monitoring what she is accessing online, I agree with others that you should speak to the school or your GP and find out if you can access parenting support & counselling. It isn't just a case of calling her bluff and letting her get on with it. In this specific case, enabling her would be a move you are likely to regret forever.

Its a control tactic. If she was that set on leaving she would leave now.

She is unlikely to get a foster placement. I tried to get a 16yo fostered out of their home. Despite it being shit, the local authority were not interested. No police nor social services involvement. No A&E visits. No cause for local authority to get involved.
a lot has to go wrong before foster care would become an option.

so Doesn’t sound likely here.

I wonder why she's so fixated on leaving at 16 when she can go to uni just two years later anyway, and have a much nicer time of it there, than in some crappy social-care situation. It doesn't make any sense.

If she truly wants to leave then she could look at an apprenticeship with accommodation. My friend’s ds got an apprenticeship several hours from home and lived with other apprentices Mon to Fri. He had literally just turned 16 as a late August baby. Obviously very competitive and he worked hard.

Ok "caringcarer". I'll point out that you know nothing about this girl, what she's struggling with in her life or in herself, to assume she's just 'entitled'.

This ⬆️ How much available cash / savings does she have access to? On her 16th birthday I’d pack her things and say off you trot then and see her panic and back down when there is no party, cards or gifts, and you send her off. Don’t be blackmailed by her threatening to leave. Just nod and agree.

If she has a very specific and niche academic plan, then she's not going to leave school and get a job and try to rent somewhere.

She's not going to be taken into care or housed by the council.

I'd be supportive but not get into details. My only worry would be if there's an adult boyfriend lurking around.

Because she’s their daughter and they love her. Obviously.

Our daughter did this. We supported her as best we could, through some very difficult times.

14 years on, she’s married to an excellent man with a wonderful child, owns her own home and is embarking on her MA next year (having dropped out of school at 15).

Do whatever you can to support her, OP.

You'd be mad to pay rent. What about food overheads clothes tech? Don't fund it. Do ask her for her plans. I have a 15yo and if I offered to bankroll his life from his own cushy flat he'd be pretty pleased. He'd still be back for meals laundry and for me to pay for everything.

I can answer all of this unfortunately from personal recent experience.

The ONLY way she can leave home at 16 is if someone is willing to take her in. It can be anyone and nobody will bring her home. Despite the fact that legally she’s still your responsibility, you have no right to actually exercise any power. If she leaves, nobody will make her return. ‘Anyone’ could actually be a number of people whose sofas/spare rooms she surfs between.

However she cannot rent her own place, cannot be named on any contracts so can’t have electricity, gas, phone accounts etc. You also couldn’t guarantor her a flat. She cannot rent anything - that’s a fact.

She could present to the council as homeless but they’ll try to persuade you to take her back, they won’t just give her accommodation. If she won’t come back, they still won’t give her a flat, it would be essentially a group home for teens, because she’s under 18.

If you want any more details, happy for you to PM but I won’t post anything else publicly for obvious reasons.

It shows you the teenage mind. She gets annoyed at cleaning a plate but somehow thinks she won't have to do that and more if she was living independently.

All the best OP! I hope things work out.

It's insane and scary isn't it. My DD (16) has several friends she has met online via friends of friends of friends who are her age and are living independently on benefits. It sounds like their lives are awful and abortion is a frequent topic of conversation, but DD thinks they are living the dream because that is how they paint it.

Apparently one of the girls has said that if DD moves in with her she will cover the cost of everything with her benefits (including DD's phone) and DD actually believes this could be a viable option for the future. I have pointed out all the flaws in this plan, but at that age DD is convinced this could work.

Despite what this sounds like, DD is not that type of girl (she was given alcohol once by one of her friend's parents (actually one of her former teachers from a posh private school) and hated it, she has tried vaping with friends but does not vape, has never tried cigarettes or drugs and is a virgin) and is actually quite sensible in those respects so I am not concerned she will actually move in with these girls, but I do worry that she has grown up with a closeted life and doesn't understand reality. Just today she was telling me that she will never live in a flat and wants a big house with multiple bathrooms (she won't share a bathroom even with her huband) and plans to drive a Range Rover because small cars make her feel car sick. This for a girl who left school without a single GCSE. When we point out that all of this is possible if she works hard she just argues that that is really unfair. 🙄

Sorry, I went into over-sharing mode there, but my point is that girls at that age can have unrealistic plans, but I doubt she will follow through on them, and in three years time you will still have a grumpy teenager under your roof threatening to move out and then stuffing her face with crisps you have bought.

Good luck OP!

Put the rent money on family therapy.

You'll all be happier in the long run if you engage with it.

Or get her a therapist for herself.

I'm not sure it is helpful for you to look ahead since you don't know exactly what she will do when it comes to it. Maybe she will do nothing. Maybe she will ask a friend if she can move in with them. Maybe she will do some proper research and find out what's available to her at her age, then apply to a hostel or whatever. But it sounds more like an empty threat made without any genuine intention or planning.
Oh God, teenagers! I hope she comes through this and leaves home more sensibly when she's a bit older.

OP, as you're no doubt aware, the next two years are quite crucial for her in terms of her education. (Whether that's A-Levels or some kind of train while you work deal, or Btec etc).

Maybe you could point out to her how important the next two years are, and say it's not a great time for the upheaval of leaving home, and that she'll be free to go to uni at 18 anyway, if that's what she wants. Tell her that she'll have far, far more opportunities and a much nicer housing situation if she just focuses on doing as well as she can for the next two years and then moves out. (Whether for study, job, training,)

And if you make the focus on her education and on setting herself up as best she can for a good future, maybe it would take the heat out of the whole housing thing.

Even if you did pay for a nice flat for her, and all her expenses, the distractions and the lifestyle change would surely have a negative impact on her studying.

Maybe say to her, OK, I know you want to move out at 16, but it's not going to do your future any favours at all. You're far better off focusing on your studies for the next two years and then leaving home in a vastly better position than you would be leaving at 16.

Would she listen to that kind of reason?

I'd encourage the army route, sounds just the thing for her. Sit down with her and look at going - she may actually change her mind if she thinks youre behind it?

Tell her to look on Rightmove or SpareRoom to see how much rent is in your area.