Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

Where was DH and kids when you were approached?

We're you all in the coffee shop?

Nobody else is your bouncer.

Say "Go sports team of choice" and lift fist and you're done. Move on.

He walked straight into the shop and across to the area I was at with DH.

I did 👏

So where was your DH whilst you were being targeted?

Yes, so transparent, imo. I am surprised so many posters have entertained this.

Are you saying this.... Didn't actually happen?

We were all in the coffee shop together. It was more me than DH who was approached, due to the way we were standing. We were no longer sitting as were about to leave.

You are criticising others for not stepping in to help you, but would you have stepped in if it was someone else being harassed?

Ok.

And then what?

DH just stood by and let you be led away?

And then was somehow so far away that he both realised something was up, moved closer and still.... what just.... stood around knowing something was up?

So were you already in the queue? It's a bit confusing working out where you were in relation to DH when they approached. When they asked you to buy them a drink and you said yes, why didn't your DH step in and say he would get it while you waited elsewhere with the children?again I feel that DH knew this could be a dodgy situation and opted out.

But surely your DH knows you're a fearful person? Why didn't he go with the man when he realised you were insistent on buying him a drink?

So he can't have been very far away...at all.

He even moved closer to you.... A d still did nothing?

How far away was he?

Why didn't he come straight to you as soon as he realised something was wrong?

Totally not unreasonable to expect someone who could hear to assist you- even saying hello/ are you ok/ making some idle chat with you to diffuse the situation. If id witnessed this, I would have. But I'm probably cocky as I work with homeless people. Don't let this put you off being kind, sounds like they are probably quite poorly and services will be aware of them and intervening when they can/ the person's presentation hits a threshold.

I don’t care whether the person involved was transgender. It’s relevant to what happened. I have mainly referred to them as “them”, I think. Although apologise if I have got this wrong anywhere, as I am still a bit out of sorts after this. It was relevant to what happened because the were assuming I was transgender and I really believe I don’t have any masculine features. It was what made me realise they seemed to be not in their right mind.

I'm sorry you had the experience OP, but I have to say I wouldn't expect someone to step in unless I had told the aggressor to leave, or tried to leave myself and been prevented.
And actually, you had it under control! You (rightly imo) decided that the best course of action was to just buy the drink and leave. I would guess the other women present agreed with that and thought it better not to antagonise the situation.

(It would have been good if the staff could have processed you quicker - I have no idea how easily that can happen though, I don't drink coffee so don't go in these places to know how long it would normally take to be able to pay)

Please explain the distances between you and DH.

It makes absolutely no sense that your husband came nearer...but not all the way to you...

Why are you ignoring the questions about why your DH stood by and did absolutely nothing to protect/help his wife?

It's so strange.

I’ve answered this upthread.

I think realistically op if there's a tense situation like that, the wrong intervention could have caused a huge escalation and created more danger. So while yes, absolutely horrible and very intimidating for you and completely unacceptable on the homeless persons part, I think if I'd been there (and I work with this demographic) I'd have been quiet too but watching closely and if they began to get physical then I'd have intervened. I think you probably did the best thing you could do in that moment which was just to pay and get yourself out without any further provokation from anyone as this individual sounds very unstable. The best thing your dh could do in that moment was keep your kids as far away as possible. It sounds like him being there would have created a very different dynamic.

I would report this to police op, it sounds like this was kind of calculated and there's no doubt they will try this on other women.

In future, I think if you want to help, you give them the money and let them sort themselves out at the till and with ordering, don't involve yourself so much because that will make extraction harder.

YABU, you got yourself into difficulty by indulging a beggar, then expected other people to endanger themselves by rescuing you.

Also, at that point, he was just being verbally threatening; by doing anything different or intervening, bystanders could have unsettled him and tipped him over the edge.

I believe he targeted you not because of where you were standing, but because you are a woman.

I find it odd your DH didn’t even step in and warn you against it in the first place tbh.

Then you should have called him. If people saw 2 women, they wouldn't necessarily see that something was wrong. Your husband saw, because he came closer but didn't intervene - sorry, but I don't understand that.