Men still have the control, how is this ok?

[Unad11]

I have had various experiences with men, some good and some bad. But the reality of how men still control the world really hit me when I had DD.

DP left me during pregnancy after a four year relationship. Things that followed…

Called CMS and was spoken to like shit, had to call constantly to get anything done. Told they would ‘do what they can’ (spoiler, that’s very little).

When he was forced to pay, he did. But he can have a 24% increase in his pay during the year which isn’t taken into account for any increase. He did actually have a 20% increase and he pocketed it all without giving any extra towards DD’s life… this despite the fact that the nursery bill alone was more than double his contribution from CMS.

When he had more involvement in her life it was on his terms. He was often late. I did all the hard yards of keeping her up to date with vaccinations and enrolling her in and paying for nursery.

Then I had the role of being there 24/7 if she ever needed collecting from nursery. It was me who had to ask favours of my manager, me whose career was affected, me who shouldered the financial penalties.

And the real kicker? If you dare to talk about money, you’re a gold digger, you’re all about money or you’re reminded that the money is for DD and not ‘for you.’ That’s ignoring the fact that the lovely gentlemen paying the maintenance is receiving thousands from you in unpaid childcare… if he isn’t parenting 50% of the time (ie his share) he’d have to pay a nanny… but oh wait, he doesn’t because the woman is expected to do it all.

And the next kicker… if you dare to complain that you’re doing it all, don’t you WANT to look after your DD? What a terrible mother you are!

The reality is, money matters. Money protects, money gives you control. Men need to pay up, properly. Men and women need to stop shaming women for speaking up.

I also want to add to my rant that I think nursery is the only place where you hear people talking about it like it’s a charity… (when they’re not)… if it closes or there’s a shut down, no you shouldn’t have to pay to ‘ensure the staff are paid.’ Only in a childcare context is it that the women are supposed to be grateful for the service being provided in return for huge fees. Imagine a gym closing for a day and people (men) being told shut up and pay because the staff still need paying. Women are always supposed to be grateful, we are outsourcing our job to earn money, when that’s shameful remember (..!!) And yes I know the ts and cs often say you must pay when there’s closures but that’s not the point, the point is it’s the only industry where that’s supposed to be accepted. Women you must be grateful even if you are paying through the nose for the childcare.

I sound bitter and twisted (because I am) but I am (very luckily) financially secure and mostly protected from this shit these days (DD now 5).

But… I want to help make changes. I don’t know where to start. Any ideas thoughts or comments very much welcome. And I’m bracing myself for the usual misogynistic posts too, of course.

Well aren’t you both clever girls @Boomer55 @herefortheclicks
Your posts are rather smug and also show little insight into just how some abusive men unfurl a complex and incredibly well thought out out campaign of control and domination upon women that is taken to a whole different level and gradually exposed once children are in the picture.
it can literally happen to anyone so please don’t imply that all women in difficult positions because of backing the wrong horse are nitwits blinded by desperation and raging hormones.

I would say that, talking on a societal scale, men very very much still hold an unfair advantage when it comes to fair division of domestic and parenting labour.

Personal security....

We don't disagree 👍

The CMS are an utter joke
They should be renamed the Absent Parent Support Service. The paying parent can spin them any old yarn and it’s accepted at face value whereas the resident parent has to produce a dossier of evidence similar to a murder trial to even get some them to agree to an “investigation” that inevitably ignores it all all anyway

Agree. They are often extremely skilled at pretending.

I often remember how XP would come over every weekend and clean the kitchen while I was bathing DS1 (not his, we got together when he was a toddler). He was the one to teach DS1 how to ride a bike. Constantly talked about his deep seated longing for kids.

Then we had DS2 together, and subsequently split up. He has never- just as one example- tried to teach DS2 to ride a bike. He never does anything with DS2 on his weekends- DS2 spends every single weekend at his glued to a screen.

He was just very, very good at pretending. When he got what he wanted he didn't need to bother any more.

Higher tax for all men - this is their ‘community fund’ that they collectively pay into to acknowledge that many of their kind shirk their responsibilities.

CMS really is useless. Parliament granted it the power to impose quite a lot of sanctions that could be brought to bear on the non-resident parent but it simply can't be arsed.

Are arseholes always apparent or can they develop through time?

Probably like 'greatness' - some are born that way, some become that way, and some have it thrust upon them (Malvolio in Twelfth Night)

Love that-but not the arseholes, obviously.

Only 15% of single parent households are headed by men. Of those an even smaller percentage will be headed by men who's female partner upped and left abdicating all responsibility for their children, as oppose to dying, becoming ill, sacrificing having them reside with her because she believed it in their interests, or maintaining contact and financial responsibility.
When we discuss these issues, and identify problems, we don't consider every single case ever. We look at patterns and trends. The occasional case that goes against the grain doesn't stop it from being a pattern.
Leaving ones children and failing to support them is a male patterned behaviour. We have to acknowledge that so we can explore why it happens.

Of course. I said that its usually men who are doing this. Im very aware, having grown up the only kid without a mother around. My point was that its a non resident parent who can abdicate responsibility not specifically a man BUT that is usually the same thing.

Yes, I see. You are saying its being non resident in itself that creates the conditions and acts as the catalyst for a parent abdicating responsibility? I think there may be something in that, as the NRP is the one who by either desire or necessity has to forge a life outside of the family unit. Which will invariably involve new commitments and distractions.
It would be interesting to look at the difference in the way mothers and fathers respond to being NRP on a wider scale.

The CMS needs a complete overhaul.

and also: the starti g point for nursery and childcare costs should be 50-50, no matter which parent has more nights. Because otherwise one parent is impossibly penalised

My BIL (DSis’s DH) was a single dad when she met him, with a DS from his previous marriage. His ex did walk out, though there were MH issues involved at the time and she became more involved later.

Once he’d married my DSis, she eventually became the primary caregiver for her teenage DSS (when she was a SAHM to her own DC, she’s working now).

So there definitely are good single dads, though clearly not that many!

I think this would only work with significant, standardised childcare costs/provision - otherwise it's just going to be hell with deciding which childcare setting etc.

The real kicker is that single mums get vilified whereas single dads are respwcted. Ugggrrr.

For my x3 with DW who have grown up with me. Yes, I do all the driving to and from school. I moved my office so I could do that. They all have extracurricular activities at school, and I also signed them up for jujitsu and swimming. I take them to those too, not just the eldest two, but the youngest as well, including swimming on Saturdays.

Thanks for asking. You’re making me feel really good about myself if that’s the bar?

They’re all under 10, so plans post 16, not sure yet. I’ve put my time and money into giving them a consistent, stable environment at a really good school. It focuses on a holistic approach rather than academia min maxing. Nevertheless, it’s still in the top 250 in the country.

For my eldest, I don't have the relationship I'd have liked for the reasons expressed. And because my Mum is a covert narc. Long story, had to go NC.

Not quite. Single mothers get vilified while single fathers get patronised.

So, the eldest....the one you complained didn't want to see you....you didn't do any of that for him? Mmmkay 🤔

You are missing a lot of context which is not possible to give you here. But to put it simply, yes, I did what I could and as I said earlier I did all the traveling etc...

A child doesn't really care that you travelled (although that does beg the question why you didn't live closer) - I drive an average of 4 hours a day on school runs - that's not why my kids want to spend time with me.

Of course we're missing context - but what we're saying is, 'doing what you could' is a luxury you have.

I don't have a choice about travelling to take my kids to school unless I moved house and took them to something much smaller, or they moved school and lost all their friends. 'doing what I could' just isn't an option. I have to get them to school, and I have to work, and I have to take a job flexible enough to allow me to do that with no travelling, as I have to be there to care for them. No 'could' about it.

Yeah yeah yeah. We've heard this kind of story from men so many times before. "Poor me, it's so tragic, I would love to treat the DC of my first marriage the same way as I do the DC of my current one, but, y'know....reasons (makes vague and tragic references to abusive ex, cries a bit)"

Then everybody goes "Awww, poor guy, he's had it so tough...."

Generally the story doesn't stand up to a more robust examination.

Stop having kids with wankers would be a good start.