In-laws take our belongings

[TheAquaFawn]

My MIL and SIL have a habit of taking our stuff and I wanted to get some perspective on it as it keeps happening.
If we lend them something they won’t return it and get very defensive if I see the item in their house and say ‘oh do you mind if I take that back I need it.’ If we ever leave something at their house by accident after we’ve visited they similarly won’t return the item without a lot of tension. I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough. But this is only a matter of hours / days, weeks at most. I don’t understand it. The items are rarely expensive but things that we need and have a personal attachment to, including things for our baby. On other occasions it’s been more blatant where they’ve taken things of ours from our house ‘by accident’. I say it this way as it’s always the same things - for example my SIL takes the same two throws which end up back at their house being used in her bedroom. She’s taken them again for at least the third time.
My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!
I’d appreciate any advice to address this or at least understand the psychology behind it.

How is she getting this stuff out without you seeing her do it? Two throws must be quite bulky. The hamster though did make me laugh. I wouldn't want these thieves in my house I'm afraid to say.

Don’t ask for your stuff, just take it. Don’t allow them into your home anymore?

If they can't stop stealing hour stuff, then they shouldn't be allowed in your house. It's a natural consequence.

Either that or you frisk them on the way out. I'm sure that would be fun all round.

Don't let them in your house. Or search them on their way out.

What they are doing is totally unreasonable and your SIL has obviously been a thief for years. Do they steal from shops as well?

I'd start doing pat downs when they leave the house or start taking random yet annoying items from theres like remote controls and dishwasher tablets.

Can we please call this what it is? It's theft.
It sounds like it's more your SiL who is light fingered and your MiL enables her stealing.
That's what is going on, especially with the throws. She is stealing them literally from under your nose.
Does your husband have your back on this? Will he demand things are returned to you without this hoo ha? If he tries to brush it under the carpet, you have a husband problem.
In terms of retrieving your belongings, don't ask for then back. If you see them in their home, you say something like 'oh that's where it ended up! I've been looking for it.' Pick up item, put it in your bag or straight out to the car with it so you 'don't forget to take it with you.'
I wouldn't let your SiL in your home unsupervised either.
Standing up to them is going to cause ructions but it's necessary to stop your own relatives stealing from you.

I can't quite understand how their brains work. So what does SIL say when you go: oh, look, our throws, in your bedroom!
Does she say she took them by accident? Clearly that's stupid.

This is nuts!

Ok the psychology…….
your SiL is a thief
your MIL too or at best a spineless enabler

Your husband is equally spineless. No more lending them ANYTHING and I’d personally not have them in my house. Clearly to steal things, they are rifling through your possessions.
Which is my book is a red line crossed

Who do these two think they are? Queen Mary?!

Make a fuss and a show them up every time you catch them or find something of your own. And ask them outright if they steal from shops, too. If shaming them doesn’t work, then I wouldn’t allow them in the house any more. Your husband needs to absolutely back you up, too. I can’t believe he’s not more angry, to be honest.

Stop seeing them/letting them in your house. Or at the very least you should call them out on it, loudly and in front of everyone, every time.

Well I guess Xmas present sorted for SIL, give her the throw!

It's very odd that she'd take this multiple times. I can only imagine she's thinking you will give up asking for it back.

How and when does she take it? Can you try to avoid having to nice things on display when they come over? It's all v odd !!

Odd.

I wouldn’t want them in my home tbh.

I'd focus less on their psychology and more on your own - why are you timidly asking if they "mind" you taking your own stuff back? Point out that it's yours and pick it up and take it back, every time. Followed by something like "please stop taking my belongings from my house". What a pair of CFs.

Actually genuinely had the same with a friends . It was bizarre. I have ended up keeping them at arms length and making sure I never leave or give them anything. It is theft and it’s also weirder and with both of us it was someone we knew .

If this is a regular thing then either they don't come in, or they get bag-checked on their way out. You can make a joke of it if you like but the bottom line is they've already demonstrated that they can't be trusted so any shocked or horrified reactions are just an attempt to make you roll over and give them permission to steal from you, they're not genuine and justifiable offense. Certainly no set of house keys. Never lend anything you can't afford to lose, and if you're visiting keep track of your belongings.

There may well be an underlying psychological condition driving the behaviour but it's not your job to enable or fund it, and you can't fix it for them.

Do they have keys to your home ? If so change the locks

I amazed how many posts I have seen recently about family members brazenly stealing stuff.

Is this common? So odd!!

At theirs
take as little as possible
Actively keep your things together at their house.
Do sweeps before you leave. When you cant find something stay and keep looking and refuse to leave until its located.
When you see your stuff which they stole, say nothing... without discussion pick it up and take it out and lock it in you car. If they say anything you just say "its mine so I took it back."

When they come to you
Put their bags away in cloak room..
Don't leave them unattended in your home.
When they are leaving "wave them off" and essentially check them for stolen items and take them off. Like bag checks in for retail staff.
Dont let them leave and just neutrally keep repeating "its ours, we need it, you cant take it"

Try and meet in public spaces.

Tbh I'd be going LC they sound nuts.

Whatever you tolerate will continue. A friend of mine had a sister who did this. Friend arrived home one day to find garden table and chairs missing. Sister had helped herself. She had actually hired a man and van to do this, no prior request / arrangements. It's a type of sickness.
To conclude, last straw, friend finally called her sister out - and got banned from sister's wedding 6 months later ( for calling her out, telling her to stop stealing) (Also, good luck that husband)

Whatever you tolerate will continue.

nailed it. No more visits between houses and tell them why. be clear on this with your husband. It is likely to be a sickness but not something you should have to deal with.

Absolutely batshit.
Theft pure and simple.
Your partner is an enabler.
Tension when you ask for the return of things they have stolen?
Don't allow them into your house or near your kids.
MN is such a bizarre space.
Yanbu to think this is not normal at all.
Stop tolerating it.

Agree. They rely on not being challenged.

It's a case of you're not coming in. Or alternatively they're searched before they leave. They'll be "outraged" for sure, but why is that your problem.

I'd also refuse to buy presents for birthdays / Christmas etc but I can be petty when really pushed (I wish I wasn't).

Dont let them in your house anymore..

How exactly do you "accidentally" take 2 throws 🤣?? I mean I could understand something like borrowing a top and wearing it home. I did this christmas day, I was in a short sleeved top and cold so my sister said put my jumper on, I did and when she was leaving (we were at my parent's) I said do you want it back and she said "give it me next time you see me" I've seen her 3 times since and forgot (this has just reminded me to message her to say I forgot). I wouldnt go around her house and take 2 throws off the sofa by accident though 😆 that is known as stealing.

I'd stop inviting them over and just arrange to meet outside the house, so they aren't tempted.