In-laws take our belongings

[TheAquaFawn]

My MIL and SIL have a habit of taking our stuff and I wanted to get some perspective on it as it keeps happening.
If we lend them something they won’t return it and get very defensive if I see the item in their house and say ‘oh do you mind if I take that back I need it.’ If we ever leave something at their house by accident after we’ve visited they similarly won’t return the item without a lot of tension. I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough. But this is only a matter of hours / days, weeks at most. I don’t understand it. The items are rarely expensive but things that we need and have a personal attachment to, including things for our baby. On other occasions it’s been more blatant where they’ve taken things of ours from our house ‘by accident’. I say it this way as it’s always the same things - for example my SIL takes the same two throws which end up back at their house being used in her bedroom. She’s taken them again for at least the third time.
My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!
I’d appreciate any advice to address this or at least understand the psychology behind it.

Honestly, yes it does become too… if not awkward, pointless. I’ve also got a narc mum who will also take things. Huge tears and screaming if you ever call her out. It’s horrible, distressing. No contact is the only way. Like the mum of @OneFineDay22 she will also take (ie steal) things that she believes are owed her, for whatever strange reason.

My daughter visits when I’m not in steals something (like chocolate) takes a pic and sends it to me!

My in-laws are really financially comfortable but love the whole pulled themselves up by bootstraps and don't tend to mention the several inheritances and lucky golden pension pots.
MIL in particular really struggles with people having something 'nicer'. Sometimes this manifests by quietly scratching new things 'accidentally'' or a hot pan down on a sink when there was utterly no need.

I sometimes think it was low self esteem or insecurity.

She also steals stuff - lots of baby equipment in order to kit her house out, there could be more emotional baggage on that, she took her role at 'grandmother' quite strangely. So many threads.

She'd steal ideas a lot, throw money at them and make them happen very quickly if you were still in the planning stage. This was often for everyone else except us.

And stuff would go - curtains, kids coats, books, even ornaments.

I wasted a lot of time thinking about the triggers but after 30 years have decided she's just mean with a very tiny cold heart.

I reduced dramatically time spent at our house and sharing information. After ten years stopped being so polite or good mannered and called it out if it was my idea or object in front of witnesses from their wider family or friends, which really, really helped long term.
DH has never explicitly backed me which has caused me much sadness in our marriage when I just couldn't get my head around what had just happened. Ultimately these have not been the in-laws I deserved, wanted or suited.

We've just got a new kitchen and I will be stalling for as long as possible their visit until the newness has worn off a bit.

I just take it back without asking now.

They would not be allowed back in my house sorry but I couldn't live like this.
Why even ask just don't put up with it .

Don't invite them round anymore; and say why, that kleptomaniac of a SIL needs medical intervention because that's what she really is
Has she ever been caught shoplifting?
Bet she somehow resists the urge in public spaces but you're fair game
And as for your husband just shrugging and explaining it away; it's time he got a grip and put you first, I cannot believe his family have been thieving for ages and gotten away with it, bet SIL had a shitty reputation when at school; and its still following her around now.
Also give no presents ever and expect nothing back
It'll muddy the waters ie:- you gave me, I gave you, now going to take it back along with what else I can

I must be in a minority of 1 here, but when our nephew stole from us, we didn't ban him. Imo relationships are more important than stuff. Anyway, this is a good explanation of why some people steal https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&source=android-browser&q=attachment+disorder+and+stealing

have you tried not becoming involved, just removing the object and leaving without discussion?

I wrnt nc years ago and then moved away

Nothing has gone missing since

Go round take it back and do not allow them in your home again. If they do come round set up a camera at the front of the house to check if go out to car during visit and start searching as they leave. Tell them if they take things again you will consider reporting the theft to police as that's essentially what it is.

Buy yourself two new throws and give her the old ones for her birthday! Mention the fact that you bought 2 new ones for her but decided to keep them since she liked yours better.

You need to tackle this on head first. Don’t worry if you are rude. I’d be asking to see in their bags before they go.

I appreciate this doesn’t answer the why, but I’m a petty so and so.
Why don’t you find identical items, such as the throw that ur SIL loves so much and gift it to them for birthdays etc.
You could just say, ‘well I know you liked mine so much, so I got you your own’

That Is extremely weird behaviour.

OP asked for some ideas behind the psychology - she didn’t ask to be told what to do.

She says in her OP "I’d appreciate any advice to address this". Granted this is not the same as being told what to do, but she is open to suggestions.

This

Simple

“You cannot be trusted not to steal our things therefore you are not welcome in our home anymore”

Make sure you husband is on the same page. If they try and make you feel guilty reiterate it is their actions which has led to this consequence.

I wouldn’t let them in the house again. My concern is that if you ask to check bags, they will just get sneakier next time and, for example, stash a bracelet in a bra or similar.

My absolute rage is raging! I cannot stand theft or thieves. We work hard to get what we have and then some entitled twat, worse that it is family, thinks they can come and take what you have worked for. I would have gone in on her the 1st time I saw the throw. Who does a 'whoops I took your blanket by mistake' It sounds like a ND control issue to me.

This would absolutely enrage me. They are thieves. I don't care if they are family, they wouldn't be welcome in my house again. I'd take everything that belonged to me back from their house without apologising (!) or asking and that would be it. It's such grubby and disgusting behaviour, I couldn't tolerate it. I'd be happy to be the one telling them why as well.

This.

Why don't you just lock all the doors when they come to visit?

Just ban them. There is no justification possible for their behaviour.

Outrageous! I judge people who don’t return my tupperware when I’ve been kind enough to give them food. Never let them in your house unsupervised. There will be things they take you are not aware of. Terrible behaviour.x

Stop having them over to your home. If they ask why tell them the truth that you're fed up of them taking things. If that upsets them so be it. They don't seem to mind upsetting you by stealing your belongings. If you see something that belongs to you in their home simply pick it up & go put it in the car. Don't even mention it unless they do. It's very weird behaviour & needs to stop so be the one to stop it.