In-laws take our belongings

[TheAquaFawn]

My MIL and SIL have a habit of taking our stuff and I wanted to get some perspective on it as it keeps happening.
If we lend them something they won’t return it and get very defensive if I see the item in their house and say ‘oh do you mind if I take that back I need it.’ If we ever leave something at their house by accident after we’ve visited they similarly won’t return the item without a lot of tension. I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough. But this is only a matter of hours / days, weeks at most. I don’t understand it. The items are rarely expensive but things that we need and have a personal attachment to, including things for our baby. On other occasions it’s been more blatant where they’ve taken things of ours from our house ‘by accident’. I say it this way as it’s always the same things - for example my SIL takes the same two throws which end up back at their house being used in her bedroom. She’s taken them again for at least the third time.
My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!
I’d appreciate any advice to address this or at least understand the psychology behind it.

stand by the door when she leaves and ask what she has stolen this time? ask to look through her bags.

If she won't be searched? she is not allowed back.
Don't take anything to their houses?

just help yourself to their things? the more expensive and of sentimental value the better. Or something huge - "give me a hand with this armchair, i really like it"

I'm on the cusp of asking if I can dump some stuff there too... I hate binning things.

Agree. Op what reason could they give that would be acceptable? I’d imagine quite a lot of men who commit dv do it for a reason ie terrible childhood but that doesn’t help their partner who has had a fist in her face.

Agree with others, they don’t come in the house.

nah....embrace your pettiness!

I'd nanny-cam my house for every visit from Grab and Grabber! With audio. Then you can request everything back and confront. I'd also knock up some joking-but-not carbon copy iou slips/ receipts "because we've had some confusion as to whether things should be returned before" and start checking bags / ensuring they're escorted in your house.

The psychology is "because I want it" and they'll keep at it unless you make it too embarrassing and awkward for them to continue.

Your SIL is a thief and your DH obviously has trouble standing up to her. Stop this nonsense now

If they ask to borrow something then say ‘no, because you either won’t return it, or you make it really awkward when I ask for it back’. And don’t back down.

If you see your throw in SiL’s house then take it back, there and then and ask her if you’re going to have to start doing bag searches every time she leaves your house.

Issue them with an itemised hire charge bill and your bank details.

Change MiL’s name to Fagin and SiL’s name to Dodger in your phone and don’t try and hide it from them if either of them call. If one of them calls your DH, ask ‘who’s that? Fingers McGee?’ in hearing distance.

If either of them ask you to shopping, laugh and tell them that you’re not getting a police caution because of their light fingers.

Go to their house and steal things. Their toothbrushes if you know which one belongs to them. One shoe. Your SiL’s hairbrush. The washing up liquid. The tv remote. Nothing valuable, but things that will cause them maximum inconvenience, so they start to learn how it feels to have someone take things from them.

Get cross, ask what the fuck is wrong with them that they think stealing from people is acceptable, and tell them they are no longer welcome in your home and if you find one more thing is missing, you’ll call the police. Tell DH that if he lets either of them through the door then you will leave him and marry someone whose family don’t steal your things.

I once dated someone like this. We’d got to the stage where we were talking about potentially living together and how it would work, and he mentioned something about his brother coming round. Only days earlier, he’d told me that his brother had stolen all their mum’s jewellery, his game consoles, his sister’s phones etc, and yet he still expected me to have this man come into my home. I know jewellery and consoles and phones are obviously way more valuable than a throw etc, but it’s still taking something that you know belongs to someone else. We did not end up living together. Your DH might be used to it if he’s grown up with it but, to you, she’s no different than a common thief.

😂😂 Please op steal one of their shoes each, that would be the ultimate pettiness revenge.

Apologies, nothing useful to add and not meaning to laugh at your pain OP, but this is hilarious, especially the hamster 😂. Reminds me of the episode of the Aussie lawyer comedy Fisk, where two kleptomaniac clients just blatantly fill their bags with everything in her office that’s not nailed down. S1 E3 if you want a bit of light(fingered) relief!

How can someone nick a hamster ?

It’s absolutely abusive. My youngest sister used to do the same but thank god I have been no contact for a long time now. I remember her and her boyfriend at the time came to my house for my daughter’s birthday and lots of things disappeared. They had just moved into a new flat so presumably need stuff. My bike pannier, quite a big one as I used it for touring, was stuffed full of sheets, towels duvet covers, all the things i looked for over the next while. I really needed the pannier I used it a lot. It was one of a pair. Then I spotted it in my parents house and I said do you mind if i take that back and it became obvious that they knew shed taken it and although I said nothing about that I got a lecture to not accuse my sister of theft. I had just said do you mind if i take that back.

Clearly the matter needs to be handled tactfully as she is suffering from Kleptomania, which may run in the family. Maybe putting up signage in prominent positions (at least 4 in every room) of those fluorescent yellow, 'Thieves will be prosecuted' and 'CCTV in Operation on these premises' signs as a deterrent.

Is it possible to get one of those hand held scanner wands that airport security use (and perhaps a taser gun, in case she is caught taking something)?Obviously, as they are family and you wouldn't want to upset your partner you wouldn't want to go in heavy handed and actually prosecute... but talk to the police to see if they can be cautioned and a dawn raid conducted at their house to retrieve any stolen goods.

Bloody hell OP she’s a sociopath. She steals possessions of yours and puts them on display in her home! Absolutely no sense of consequence on her part.

Thieving bastards. They wouldn’t be coming back in my house with behaviour like that.

I was expecting it to be, the plate they took leftovers home on, not bloody throws.

They’re thieves. We don’t welcome thieves in our home. Your husband needs to deal with this and not make hamster-based excuses for his sister. It’s like real-life Shameless.

Sil wouldn't be allowed in my bloody house

Go to their place with a big backpack, wear a stripy top smile & look them in the eye as you load various objects into the backpack.

I have a friend who does this, it’s really infuriating. Umbrellas, sunglasses, shoes. All small items but items I use regularly and why the f should I pay to replace them because she took them. No advice but I feel for you.

Was queen Mary a thief?! I don't understand this reference!

Wrap up one throw for her birthday the other for Christmas - imagine the look on her face when she opens it!

OP, you know they are blatant thieves!

If you do decide to let them in your home again, have some strategically placed signs in every room with:

’Watch out, there are some thieving gits about’

They might take offence, which, frankly, they can take as much as they want!

…and corralling them in one room under supervision during their short visit may be helpful.

Jokes aside, I would not entertain the idea of letting them in the house again as they cannot be trusted. They do not respect you.

Really obviously steal something totally absurd from their house, something big and everyday.
Then say, when they ask about it, "See, it's not nice to have stuff nicked, is it?" 👍

Really?
You have no advice, a person steals from you and you just keep letting them do it!?
And you refer to this person as a friend!

Why are you friends with her?

As for Queen Mary; the story I heard was that, when she visited aristocratic homes, she would hint heavily how much she admired certain desirable knickknacks and rely on noblesse oblige to force the hostess to take the hint and kindly "donate " them......tales of aristocratic hosts moving desirable objects out of sight before they could be spotted......