In-laws take our belongings

[TheAquaFawn]

My MIL and SIL have a habit of taking our stuff and I wanted to get some perspective on it as it keeps happening.
If we lend them something they won’t return it and get very defensive if I see the item in their house and say ‘oh do you mind if I take that back I need it.’ If we ever leave something at their house by accident after we’ve visited they similarly won’t return the item without a lot of tension. I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough. But this is only a matter of hours / days, weeks at most. I don’t understand it. The items are rarely expensive but things that we need and have a personal attachment to, including things for our baby. On other occasions it’s been more blatant where they’ve taken things of ours from our house ‘by accident’. I say it this way as it’s always the same things - for example my SIL takes the same two throws which end up back at their house being used in her bedroom. She’s taken them again for at least the third time.
My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!
I’d appreciate any advice to address this or at least understand the psychology behind it.

Fawn is the right word here.

"Stop stealing my fecking stuff."

Repeat.

Of course she wasn't! What an outrageous lie!
It just so happened that, on visits to friends and relatives, a positive renark about an attractive rug or nice porcelain figurine would prompt the owners to give it as a gift.
Totally unbidden!

Or related to the Lovelock sisters from Thrush Green!

My ILs have no need to pinch stuff at all as they're all financially comfortable but maddeningly my FIL and BIL have both stolen things from our house. So bloody annoying, not even a case of claiming things that have been left at their houses, they simply snatched them from our house. Pair of twats. Neither of them have been welcome here for a long time.

Get your name, sewn or indelibly printed on everything.
Do the nanny-cam thing (x 10?!) some1 else has suggested.
I expect sil has probably never stopped thieving, just your DH hasn’t been told about the later stuff that’s appeared in the wrong house?

You don’t need to understand the psychology behind this sort of thing, @TheAquaFawn. If you do want to psychoanalyse anything, maybe ask why your response has been to ask about your ILs psychology as if you might be able to find an excuse to avoid some awkward conversations.

what is your DH going to do about the problems his family are causing?

Queen Mary had had some research carried out into furniture etc owned by the RF / Royal Estate and what had been loaned out by previous monarchs and RF members. Said items then became part of the belongings of the houses they'd been loaned to- Queen Mary tracked them down. Queen Mary would visit, admire, remind the current home owner that said pretty side table had actually been a loan from Queen Alexandra etc and leave with the booty.

Tactic may also occasionally have been employed on items belonging to others that she just liked the look of. However, Queen Klepto reputation a bit of an over statement and is undeserved, imho.

Thank you! Quite right, too.

Thanks for your reply! Yes I’m more interested in the psychology behind it. I think you’re right about my SIL, she doesn’t have many things and I think there is a bit of sibling jealousy / resentment there. She is in her 30’s and still lives at home (not that that is bad but not what she ideally wants). The family is very passive in general and never confronts each other over anything so there are all sorts of tensions going on and unsaid things. I wondered if this behaviour was a sort of reaction to some underlying tension - ie rather than MIL and SIL bringing up problems with us directly they take our things as some sort of passive ‘pay back.’

Am with the others, if they can't be trusted, they cannot come into your home. Meet at MIL or a cafe/pub in future. That's infuriating and the aggression when you take it back is not acceptable. Not what you expect from adult family members.

They are rude, entitled and basically thieves.

Don't lend them anything any more if they see lending as ownership. Literally tell them why, "no I'm not lending that out because I know you won't want to give it back". Every time. They'll eventually stop asking.

Be more conscientious with your packing so you don't accidentally leave anything at theirs. If you think they're hiding your things during your stay deliberately so you forget to take it home with you, take a list of what you've packed down to the last tiny item and tick it off as you pack it for your return or better still, stay in a hotel.

If you see something at their house that's yours stop asking if you can take it back and just take it, don't give them the option of saying "no" as if it belongs to them and they have any say in it. They're being rude, if you meet that with niceness it'll be seen as weakness.

Firm and assertive is the way to go. It's your stuff and you're taking it back, it's not up for discussion and you don't need to justify why you want it back. It's yours, that's enough of a reason!

If they're taking, ie blatantly stealing, things from your house then don't invite them round. If they ask why tell them. It's not as if they don't know they're doing it.

Your partner is a wet lettuce accepting this behaviour from his family and needs to back you up in standing up to them over it. Otherwise you may as well get rid of him, because your entire life is going to be spent funding your in-laws if you don't.

This isn’t about forgetfulness, it’s coveting. She wants the throw and taking it repeatedly suggests a power trip as much as desire. She’s testing boundaries because no one challenges her.
Does she show jealousy elsewhere? Is dominance a consistent trait for her?

Not normal behaviour. Are they jealous of you, or do they hate you?
They're treating you with contempt. Could you stop letting them in your house?

This was my mother

Shes a rich narcissist and I was a skint single mum

If she took a liking to something,she'd just take it

Her attitude was 'I want that so I'm having It'

If you called her out on it,you'd get the (fake) tears and the wailing about how 'you buy better brands than I do'

If you pushed it and involved other people,she'd lie and twist things to make her look good and you in the wrong

It got to the point I was having to frisk her everytime she got past my front door-so she started getting my dc to pass things onto her

I solved it by going nc and anything I buy now doesn't grow legs and walk out of the house

As long as they aren't helping themselves to the continuing story of Joseph Coggs, I guess.

Had a kleptomaniac friend at college - she would steal with absolutely no shame and her parents enabled it as something that we would all have to put up with. Even hunting down and taking back your belongings didn't elicit an apology and only refusing to have her visit our home put a stop to large scale swiping. We still have friends of friends although I don't see her socially anymore, and apparently she is still at it. A lot of people have tried to help her over the years, I would say unless someone with this compulsion receives professional help then the problem will continue. Keep these ladies out of your home and lay down the law hard and unbending with your (enabling) other half.

This. If they’re thieves don’t allow them in and if you visit them make doubly sure you don’t leave anything behind. It’s batshit.

Not read full thread - she is a kleptomaniac.

Text- ‘please return my items and stop stealing them thank you’. Simple

Reverse it - "get into" things that you now they would hate, and let them clutter their home up with "awfull" things - charity shops is a good place to start lookin

My goodness, you and DH need to stop being wet blankets and demand your stuff back!! Who gives a shit about the “tension” it causes.

Don’t invite them to your home at all only meet in public or at their home

There is not a chance my sister in law would let me in my brothers house ever again if I had a habit of stealing their things! Be boundaried!

Well I guess Xmas present sorted for SIL, give her the throw!

Fuck that. I wouldn't be buying any presents for people who steal stuff from my house.

Bizarre behaviour, really.

So theyre thieves.. firstly id stip lending them stuff and second id put the throws away for their visits.