In-laws take our belongings

[TheAquaFawn]

My MIL and SIL have a habit of taking our stuff and I wanted to get some perspective on it as it keeps happening.
If we lend them something they won’t return it and get very defensive if I see the item in their house and say ‘oh do you mind if I take that back I need it.’ If we ever leave something at their house by accident after we’ve visited they similarly won’t return the item without a lot of tension. I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough. But this is only a matter of hours / days, weeks at most. I don’t understand it. The items are rarely expensive but things that we need and have a personal attachment to, including things for our baby. On other occasions it’s been more blatant where they’ve taken things of ours from our house ‘by accident’. I say it this way as it’s always the same things - for example my SIL takes the same two throws which end up back at their house being used in her bedroom. She’s taken them again for at least the third time.
My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!
I’d appreciate any advice to address this or at least understand the psychology behind it.

I think you need to learn (or fake) a really thick skin. I would turn down requests to borrow things, but if you feel like you have to let them, go and get it back as soon as they've used it. Don't be apologetic at all, just confidently say you are returning it to your house.

Watch them at your house and stop them at the door if they try and leave with something you haven't agreed to them borrowing. And if you find they have taken something without asking, make a calm fuss about it regardless of how awkward it feels, preferably with an audience. (SIL, this is mine. I didn't say you could take it? DH, did you say your sister could borrow this? I'm so confused at why it's at your house? Did you just help yourself to my throw/picture frame/hamster?). Don't shout or be aggressive, just flummoxed as to how they could do something so unreasonable.

If you want to keep a relationship without banning them from your home, you need to make it too awkward and embarrassing for them to steal your stuff.

They would no longer be welcome at my house. If you want to see them,then do that somewhere neutral, take the bare minimum with you. If they ask why just say I've collected my same 2 throws form SILs house 3 times, I don't want to have to fight with you about it, why do you think it's ok to steal from us.
Edited to say - just don't lend anything again, and tell them why

If your dp doesn't see what they're doing as stealing, and won't stand up to them, then he needs professional help as he's been conditioned to enable their abusive behaviour.

Until he is able to support you and stop them stealing from you, or until they can stop stealing from you, do not have them in your home.

Just to check, these are bought throws rather than hand-knitted blankets made by her (and your DH's) beloved deceased granny? So there is no reason why she might believe that you are the ones stealing them and she is the one taking them back?

I wouldn't allow a thief in my house. From now on you visit them every time.

@MaidOfSteel the Queen Mary comment made me laugh out loud! 🤣

I'd only let them in the sitting room and clear it of anything liftable before they arrived. I also wouldn't leave them alone for a single moment.

I wonder if your SIL grew up in a house where she didn't have many nice things and resented people who did.

Whatever, it's theft. You could buy her a throw for her birthday or Christmas, though!

My partner said that she had a problem with stealing as a child and would often take things from friends houses, including a hamster one time!

Is that all he said about it and then it was the end of the matter?

You have a partner problem.

Pretty simple. Don't worry about fallout. Why would you care about people who blatantly steal from you? Stop tolerating it.

It doesn't sound like kleptomania though, people with that don't so much take stuff they want, they can't help themselves and steal quite random stuff.

With the throws it sounds like she really bloody wants a throw like that. Can you buy her a similar one for her next birthday?

I think things like this can stem from a total lack of empathy. She takes what she wants with no recognition of it belonging to you or your feelings about her taking it. If its been tolerated by her family it could just be horrendous habit but Im more inclined to think its some sort of mental illness.

And your partner is an enabling wet lettuce tbh. I'd be annoyed with him.

With the throws it sounds like she really bloody wants a throw like that. Can you buy her a similar one for her next birthday?

So, reward stealing basically?

Would buying identical ones and gifting them to her take the thrill out of stealing them repeatedly?

Write a list of everything thats missing..do it now and sent yur other half round to get it all and tell him if its not all in place by 6 pm tonight hes not to bother returning himself. Its the only way..embarrass them all dh included. Until you create a fuss then you will be ignored.

Also offer to sell the throws to sister at an inflated price ..get the money then buy new ones.Stand firm... Hi sis I notice you seem to pinch my throws ..do you want ot keep them?Yes thats fine you owe me 120 quid..I wil wait here for you to get me the cash..

OP asked for some ideas behind the psychology - she didn’t ask to be told what to do.
it would be helpful to know more about their characters. Do they work? Have friends? Hoard? Money management?

i wonder if this is an “accepted” form of cleptomanía. The SIL still gets the dopamine hit from stealing the throws and enjoying them in her room but none of the police involvement for theft.

or is it mixed with a strange attachment to you and your husband as family. You have nice things, she doesn’t have the money to buy nice things (I am assuming here) so she treats your things as her’s and takes them. She presumes you don’t mind - to your SIL her need is the greater need as you can replace them.

or could there be some nuerodiversity going on. She has no empathy or awareness of consequences within a family setting so she assumes it’s her right to take the throws and she assumes you won’t retaliate as she deserves special treatment. This along with the concept that her needs trump your’s (because she doesn’t have the ability to consider your needs).

Absolutely, dear. However, those mahogany chairs and tables were given to me by dear cousin Augustus who could never keep up with the expense on that castle, and our dear niece Adelheid personally gave me those rugs. Bought from one of the Shahs, I believe.
Ignore the rumours about the Emerald Kokoshnik, it was given to me by Prince Alexander and I'm almost certain was his to give.
ps what is a "throw"?

Could you give SiL the same throws as birthday or Christmas presents? I wonder if she would still use them if she had her own. I don't think you need to be subtle, reclaiming your own property.

The most logical consequence should be they’re not allowed to visit your house as they are proven thieves. And I’d tell them why.

IMO it honestly doesn’t matter why. The OP shouldn’t have to put up with anyone - but especially family members who are supposed to love and care for her - stealing from her. In her own home too, which should be safe haven

I’ve asked my partner about it and he’s said maybe they see the item as theirs if it’s been left long enough

Your partner is as silly as they are!

This is really odd, but you can more or less avoid it by being careful not to leave things behind and say no when asked to lend.

I think sometimes the easy method to fight a battle is the best.

I would not allow in laws here coming for freely anyway, never allowed.

Your dip is a kleptomaniac. I wouldn’t have her in my home. I wonder if she does this in shops if she’s so light fingered?

Perhaps with their names on, in bright stitching?