Teen son been a victim of a scam

[worriedmum223]

NC for this. Over the weekend my ds14 has been the victim of a sextortion scam. He was contacted on Tik Tok by someone posing as a girl who coerced him into sending nude photos. As soon as they had them they threatened to leak them to his Tik Tok contacts unless he paid money. My son did not initially tell us, but we had notifications from his bank account of him trying to access money which prompted a discussion and despite initially lying about the reason, he did eventually come clean.

I am absolutely heartbroken and shocked. He was beside himself and in tears. I’ve never seen him so shaken. I have drilled into him from a young age the dangers of social media and how you never speak to strangers and certainly never share personal information or photos. I have contacted the police and am meeting with them later today but trying to keep my son out of it for now because he is so mortified and upset.

I am worried on a number of counts.

Firstly if they do actually leak the photos which would be horrific for him. Although I’m led to believe this is rare and they are more likely to just move onto the next victim when they realise it’s a dead end.

Secondly if they try to contact him again now that they have his number and email address (all contact via Tik Tok and WhatsApp has been blocked but they could find other ways). His phone has been removed at the moment but he will need it back at some point and I can’t monitor it all the time ( when he’s at school etc).

Thirdly whether he could be in trouble himself for sending and asking for explicit photos at his age.

But mostly the emotional impact this could have on him. He was so embarrassed and upset. The fact he didn’t initially feel like he could be honest has upset me. And of course that he did this full stop. I get teenage boys have raging hormones but it’s such a stupid and out of character thing for him to do.

Please no lectures about social media. All of his friends have it, it’s part of life and I really thought I’d done a good job educating him about the dangers. If anyone else has been through this please let me know your experience and what happened next.

WHY do so many parents insist on burying their heads in the sand??? Are we too busy trying to cope with insane lives? Too stressed to take on the challenge of saying no to our kids/ push against the tide?

Many parents are doing exactly the opposite. They are fully aware of the dangers which is why they’ve already said no to their children and not let them on these platforms. Why do we have to wait for a ban?

She has?

I am so grateful for the supportive comments and helpful advice. I have really been beating myself up about this.

I knew there would be some posters who’d derail the thread with lectures about social media. Some can’t resist the opportunity to prove what a superior parent they are. It’s really difficult to ban your kids from having something all of their friends use and communicate on. My parenting style has never to been blanket ban anything but allow it in sensible ways (ie with restrictions) and try my best to instil enough common sense and education within them to know how to do these things responsibly and safely.

On this occasion that approach has clearly failed but it doesn’t mean I will change my whole approach. I will of course be keeping a much closer eye and I also think my son will choose to get rid of Tik Tok himself.

All I care about is keeping him safe emotionally and practically going forwards.

I know a lad this happened to but the photos were never leaked. These scammers just want money - the time spent releasing photos is time lost they could be spending extracting money from someone else. I would change all contact details e.g. phone number and email. That is relatively easy given his age and not having to worry about work contact etc.

Yet you haven't read the full thread.

Its a really stupid path to say that because we can't stop all children doing a thing that there's no need to try. Teenagers are not stupid. There are many teenager themselves who support the ban because it takes the pressure off them and makes it easier for them to shrug it off.

We can stop under 18s from gambling - not all of them in all circumstances, but enough to make it worthwhile - and the simple fact is that there just isn't the will to apply the same to social media (and porn). Which is a crying shame.

Ooh, I didn’t mean conventional OLD. I meant having girlfriends - some 14 year year olds have girlfriends. We have to minimise the risks and make sure they know who they are talking to before they get into any of that.

My parenting style has never to been blanket ban anything but allow it in sensible ways (ie with restrictions) and try my best to instil enough common sense and education within them to know how to do these things responsibly and safely.

I totally agree. Blanket bans rarely work and teens often try to rebel against total bans. I think as parents, trying to instil common sense and education is the best we can do and we shouldn’t beat up ourselves up about it when it doesn’t go perfectly. All teens do inadvisable things and anyone who thinks that theirs don’t is being naive. Unfortunately social media has made things a lot more challenging for children and parents alike. I hope you and your son are okay.

And please remember that the approach hasn't failed because of you. Your approach is completely in line with most of society. Its becoming clear now that it's not enough yet even on this thread people are still hammering the 'educate' line. Its just not enough on its own.

@worriedmum223 Please no lectures about social media. All of his friends have it, it’s part of life and I really thought I’d done a good job educating him about the dangers.

No need for lectures about "social media." People can be victims of scammers outside of social media.

I'm going to be blunt with you, and you need to be equally blunt with your son. You and your son need to understand the following:

As a man, any time you are speaking to someone on the internet who is showing a lot of sexual interest, and is keen about engaging in sexual dialogue, or swapping nude pictures, then the person you are talking to is either:

(a) A man.
(b) A sex worker, who is hoping to exchange money for sex acts.
(c) A scammer.

Definitely a new number and email address - he is only fourteen - it's not going to derail his career/linkedIn/future opportunities, to make the change. He can just give out to personal friends and start using the new email going forward. You can change the password of the old one and have access yourself so that you can occasionally check nothing is coming in, but ensure your DS is only able to use new account.

It's a lesson and some good things will come from it.

He spoke to you and you responded in the best way possible - responsible, caring, loving and practical. This will strengthen your bond with DS who will know that he can trust you with future problems.

He has learned a harsh lesson early. Better now than when he is older and less likely to turn to a parent.

He will be far more careful in future.

It's awful and I am sorry it's happened, but once you are through the thick of it, take the lessons and be glad of them.

You sound like a great mum.

You need to read the OP as she has said she has done this. Why do people never read the OP then come on with shit like this? It’s there in blank and white!

If you haven’t already, call the police. They’ll take blackmailing seriously.

Mate, come on.

“we somehow need to improve education on these things.”

Social media isn’t a NEW THING.

WE’VE HAD 20 YEARS OF IMPROVING EDUCATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

IT HASN'T WORKED!!!!

we’ve got more depressed, anxious and suicidal kids than ever.

you admit yourself, you have no solution.

well guess what? Australia has come up with a solution - a blanket ban. It’s new, different, never been done before and will likely make a POSITIVE difference in millions of teens lives.

If they get in touch again with threats of leaking these photos, tell them if they do leak them, then they'll be pursued for distribution of child pornography. I'm pretty sure that it will be pursued regardless of if it's international. Scum.

Your poor son. And poor you. This sounds horrendous.

As a side note, I’m wondering how long these ‘sextortion’ scams will keep going with the advances in AI and deepfakes? Is it feasible that people now can just say it’s a deepfake photo and not actually them? I know its
still a photo of them etc but is this now a way around it?

All a 14 yr old needs is a basic phone for texting etc.

Phones and social media are toxic and a threat to teens life
and money if they dont know what they are doing. Which they dont.

When you get it sorted delete tick tok for one.
Just use the phone for very basic stuff.

Just reply to the scammers, once, telling them to F off.

Sharing obscene pictures of a child, as they threaten to do, is a serious offence in any jurisdiction.

Nothing will happen. They will move on to the other 200 victims they have on the go.

Forget about it.

Thank god he told you, you should be really proud of him for that as it can't have been easy.

Parents are generally weak. You make your own decisions whether to give you child a phone and let them have apps etc.
No teens missing out by not having tik tok etc.
Kids will thank their parents in the long run for looking out for them instead of giving into everything.

I haven’t RTFT but here’s what I would do:
DELETE all his social channels and change his number.
at 14 he should be able to organically reconnect with people he knows and that’s it. He doesn’t need 1,000 strange followers or whatever. He’s 14, he can start anew on social.
edited because I’ve read you are considering deleting his socials.. I’d go ahead and do that right away.

You've done the right thing by going to the police. I seriously doubt the photos will go anywhere.

Terrible situation, but it is a learning opportunity for your son. Try to stress to him that it's not the end of the world, because it's not.

So my DD was groomed and sextorted at 14. In her case it was via snapchat and someone in the UK via "mutuals" I can't say too much because he's got other cases going on so clearly he was targeting local girls. Thankfully she screen recorded and screen shot everything so in her case they had enough evidence to arrest and charge him and he eventually pled guilty. He was already on bail so he's been on remand ever since.

Her case was not about money though, he was a paedophile (albeit young) that targeted girls mainly in our county and threatened violence for images.

In your son's case it will most likely be a financial scam from Africa. It's very unlikely they will share images, they work on threats and extortion and shame. He's not stupid, these people are very clever and plausible. In fact you should be proud that he's been honest with you - so many people are not and it becomes nastier and more dangerous.

Don't judge him, he's made a mistake that a lot of people of all ages make and it's more common than you think. The police might want to take his phone for evidence. (They are unlikely to charge him). I'd also get him a new SIM card.

We had been very restrictive on things and that backfired immensely because it's very easy to get around things. He's learned a lesson and won't do anything like that again. He will also have to answer a lot of questions from mates if he disappears and I don't think that is fair. But his accounts need to be private, he needs to not have his location on except for family and never add mutuals on snap. This experience is punishment enough.

DD is 16 now, still has time limits on her phone, but most importantly she is infinitely more sensible than 99% of her peers (and thankfully her pictures were actually not that bad and she never puts her face on SM except on private accounts, unlike a lot of kids and teens). We don't pearl clutch because I know what I was doing in my teens and am very glad that we did not have social media.

Oh OP I really feel for you and your son. I would absolutely be majoring on telling him how he did the right thing in confiding in you, that he is a victim of crime and that you will always be his safe harbour when he has made a mistake and when he is frightened. Strengthening and reinforcing that bond and trust is the primary goal here.

Teens use of social media is a fact of life. Parents can all wring hands and lecture but it won't change. That horse bolted a long time ago and I can guarantee that the scammers and abusers will just find their ways around any proposed 'bans'. We keep our kids safe by teaching them how to use the tools in their hands and how to be wary of criminals and abusers.

The lessons teach themselves in these situations. OP you are doing a great job.

Your poor son. He will be ok and lesson learned.
I have had personal experience of this (not me but someone very close). She saved photos that she wanted from her profiles. Blocked everyone. Made profiles private. Changed email address. Re-added friends on new account but still private. No further contact from scammer.
There are 'nudification' apps that the govt are planning to ban so I would be tempted to just deny it was me if it came out.
It will all blow over. These people are scum. I watched a video about a woman in her 50s or 60s who believed Elon Musk wanted to marry her and needed her to send him money! People are scammed all the time. It's not uncommon.