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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel protective of my house

159 replies

ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:07

Early 40s F. Getting married next year to wonderful, kind and generous man also early 40s. We have a child each from previous relationships and an ours baby now 1yo.
I bought a house 7 years ago and have just over 100k left on the mortgage. I've paid off about 50k. He's interested in contributing and making it our home. I'm feeling a bit scared about this as my home is a haven and I don't want to lose it. However, I also want to respect and trust my relationship. He doesn't have any property but he has a decent job and good earning potential.

YANBU: A house is a majorly important asset. Protect what was yours before the marriage.

YABU: Marriage includes combining assets and trusting one another. Jump in and trust in the process.

OP posts:
TerrysChocolateKumquat · 04/01/2026 09:09

i really think you should take independent legal advice about protecting your assets. Especially as you have a child.

ThreeFrenchHensHoHoHo · 04/01/2026 09:13

Please protect your assets, none of us know what the future holds. I’d agree with seeking legal advice. It’s a tricky conversation but essential.

Fallulah · 04/01/2026 09:14

You need a declaration of trust drawn up by a solicitor, to protect your share and ensure his contribution moving forward is recognised. We were in a similar situation (I was you) and my partner had no issue with this. It cost about £450 with a solicitor I think.

ETA just seen you are getting married which would change things. Get legal advice.

InveterateWineDrinker · 04/01/2026 09:14

If the positions were reversed everyone would be telling you not to have a child with him before marrying, so that you could protect yourself.

Sugarsugarcane · 04/01/2026 09:18

I think there’s a middle option between what you’ve said in terms of being unreasonable
yes, protect your assets, seek legal advice on how to do that
but also you need to have a plan of how to make this work as a true partnership where surely you have a home and a life together with trust or I’d be asking some really deep hard questions as to if you’re truly all in on this marriage
in essence I think you can have both? Protect your initial investment and also
move forward together with a shared home?

Catza · 04/01/2026 09:23

You can both trust your relationship and protect your assets. These two are unrelated.
The first thing I would do is to talk to your partner about it. If you don't feel able to or if the conversation turns sour, that's basically your answer.
I have never been with a man who was open to me contributing to his mortgage or with a man whom I allowed to contribute to mine. Financial conversations always revolved around "one of us has a house which means we have some slack in family finances. Let's see what else we can build with that slack". In my last relationship, my partner paid the mortgage and I took over bills and food. This left us both with additional funds to invest separately. He is now in a position to move to a bigger house having overpaid on his mortgage. I paid off a mortgage on a holiday flat, sold it and am now buying a house.
We were commited to the relationship until one of us wasn't. We are both in a stronger financial position regardless.

Obviously, with marriage, there are legal routes to making this happen. But a conversation is what needs to be had first to make sure both parties are on board with this.

NetflixWithoutFriendsIsWrong · 04/01/2026 09:24

I own my own home (mortgaged) and this is why I'll never marry. It's mine and I'll never put it at risk.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 04/01/2026 09:26

‘He doesn’t have any property….’ I would seek legal advice re this and protect your children and yourself.

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 04/01/2026 09:26

Getting married puts your house at risk, I just wouldn’t marry. How does he earn well but owns no property? Is his wage/employment on the books or cash in hand/under the radar….if so, you’re being set up to fail here.

Mumski45 · 04/01/2026 09:27

You trusted him enough to share a child so why not a house.

DaisyChain505 · 04/01/2026 09:31

I disagree with previous posters. If this post was written by a male saying they had purchased a house then met a woman and they now had a child together and he was wanting to protect the house against her having claim in the future people would be saying what scum he was and that the mother of his child should be entitled to be legally an equal owner/on the mortage etc.

Also if a woman was on here writing a post saying she’d had a baby with a man who owned a house and he was being cautious about her moving in/being on the mortgage etc people would be saying she was well within her right to have that and her partner was an asshole.

It can’t be double standards just because the OP is a woman in this situation.

You’re either a family and a team or you’re not.

DoubtfulCat · 04/01/2026 09:32

I made a ‘will in anticipation of marriage’ which stated what would happen if I died. In the case of a divorce, it would be trickier and I would be relying on my H not to go after what was already mine. But I do have his previous form for being decent and trustworthy at the end of his relationships, so I believe that if ours broke down, he would respect that.

I think much will depend on your previous relationship histories and what happened when those ended, as well as how you both feel about it now. What’s your partner bringing to the marriage in terms of assets? Would he be willing to jointly draw up an agreement that neither of you go after the other’s assets (eg pensions, wealth etc) that was accrued before the marriage? But IANAL and no idea if this would stand up in court.

If this is a concern for you, maybe sit with it and consider why? Is there some undercurrent within the relationship that makes you feel nervous about its longevity, or some history or aspect of your partner that worries you how he would behave if the marriage ended?

Original poster
ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:32

@Sugarsugarcane thank you. How do I protect the initial investment but also move forward? Do you mean buy a new home together and keep the current one?

OP posts:
Cocomelon67 · 04/01/2026 09:33

This is so hard. But I think I would want to protect my house too. Perhaps you could save together for a buy to let that you co-own so he is on the property ladder? Take advice and then have a good conversation. It’s not unreasonable for him to want to work together on financial goals but there might be other ways to do this.

Original poster
ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:34

@Blackbookofsmiles1
He was married before but he didn't get anything really when the marital home was sold. His ex wife got the majority from the sale.

OP posts:
Itsseweasy · 04/01/2026 09:35

If you’re set on marrying him you need to get to a solicitor for a prenup. People can be all sorts of wonderful until they aren’t, and by marrying you are essentially handing over 50% of your house.
Personally I would never do this (particularly with your child to leave a legacy to in the future. I wouldn’t risk any man/person messing up everything I’d worked so hard for, regardless of circumstances).

Genevieva · 04/01/2026 09:38

It sounds like you want to retain sole of worship, so work from that starting point. Your fiancé seems to have fewer assets than you but good earning potential, so he can pay you a contribution towards living in your house while making savings to build up his own assets. When the value of your assets are equal you can choose to invest in jointly owned property or you can keep things as they are.

After marriage make sure you write a will leaving your house to your iron children. Aside from

wthisgooing · 04/01/2026 09:39

Well it seems a bit late to be worrying about assets now you have a shared child?

Genevieva · 04/01/2026 09:39

Ownership not worship.

Original poster
ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:39

I think I'm a bit uneasy about it as the house has been a safe haven for me and my only fixed asset. It's very important to me to have a roof over my head and I love the house. However, I also don't want to be so fixated on it that I send the wrong message to my partner somehow. He's of the opinion that once marriage is entered, everything is shared. He's interested in purchasing another property like an apartment in the future together.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 04/01/2026 09:41

ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:39

I think I'm a bit uneasy about it as the house has been a safe haven for me and my only fixed asset. It's very important to me to have a roof over my head and I love the house. However, I also don't want to be so fixated on it that I send the wrong message to my partner somehow. He's of the opinion that once marriage is entered, everything is shared. He's interested in purchasing another property like an apartment in the future together.

That’s a fair opinion if you have similar levels of assets, but as you don’t and as he is indicating a possessive intent towards your assets I suggest you look into a pre-nup or delay getting married until you are on an equal footing.

Itsseweasy · 04/01/2026 09:42

ThisMintHouse · 04/01/2026 09:39

I think I'm a bit uneasy about it as the house has been a safe haven for me and my only fixed asset. It's very important to me to have a roof over my head and I love the house. However, I also don't want to be so fixated on it that I send the wrong message to my partner somehow. He's of the opinion that once marriage is entered, everything is shared. He's interested in purchasing another property like an apartment in the future together.

“He's of the opinion that once marriage is entered, everything is shared.”
Of course he is! You have a lovely house for him to share…

And what assets is he bringing to the marriage for you to share in?

InterestedDad37 · 04/01/2026 09:43

Ideally you'd have both worked out these kinds of details before having a kid together (🤷) but seeing as you haven't, if I were you I'd want to protect the assets you have. You clearly disagree (he thinks it's all 50/50, you don't) so you need to a) talk it through with him and agree how to move forward and b) get paperwork drawn up with a solicitor. Don't just bumble into it and assume it'll work out nicely in the future.

tripleginandtonic · 04/01/2026 09:45

Marrying means sharing You've a child together. If you're having doubts then I wouldn't move in together or get married.

AlastheDaffodils · 04/01/2026 09:46

I find this and similar threads quite sad. To my mind if one partner tells another that he’s going to be a tenant in his own home, and it’s always going to be hers not his, that’s not really a marriage. As PP have said, if a man said that to his future wife MN would think it outrageous - and rightly so.

Marriage is risky and involves a big leap of faith. Trying to eliminate that risk sounds smart but ends up eroding the relationship itself. You can never be equal partners or “one flesh” if one of you is landlord to the other.