To feel protective of my house

[ThisMintHouse]

Early 40s F. Getting married next year to wonderful, kind and generous man also early 40s. We have a child each from previous relationships and an ours baby now 1yo.
I bought a house 7 years ago and have just over 100k left on the mortgage. I've paid off about 50k. He's interested in contributing and making it our home. I'm feeling a bit scared about this as my home is a haven and I don't want to lose it. However, I also want to respect and trust my relationship. He doesn't have any property but he has a decent job and good earning potential.

YANBU: A house is a majorly important asset. Protect what was yours before the marriage.

YABU: Marriage includes combining assets and trusting one another. Jump in and trust in the process.

Bollocks. Many women have their own homes nowadays and ops situation is unfortunately more common as men are often not bringing as much to the table as they used to.

The fact is that once you're married, a house becomes a marital asset whether you like it or not. It wouldn't necessarily be split equally in the event of divorce, but he'd have some claim on it. You really need to stop seeking advice here and see a solicitor - alone - for advice on the best way to arrange things. And once you're married you MUST have a will to ensure if you die first your oldest child gets what you want them to. Don't make the will now - marriage invalidates wills - but get it done immediately after. Book your solicitor appointment, pronto.

His attitude that everything is for sharing concerns me OP, point is he is't bringing anything to the table, he wants to share what you have - its odd he didn't get anything from the first marriage either, maybe he entered that with nothing too and left fairly soon and so she kept hold of what she had - I'd be wary, very wary.

I get how you feel. You love them, trust them but it’s your house.

DP and me are about to start living together. We both own our homes. He is moving to mine. He wants to sell his and it will pay off my mortgage. we could have a lovely life and holidays.

but I will always see this as my house which is not fair on him. So, I want us to move to a house that’s ours. He is drawn by the mortgage free aspect where I am drawn by it’s my house mentality. For us to live freely I need us to have chosen the house together.

I have the majority deposit and we will do a legal thing saying I own at set % and him the other so if we split up we have financial security. this will still be valid even if we marry. He has a kid and if he dies before me his kid can inherit his pension and savings. I just want the house. He agrees.

He has a much higher salary than me, but once bills are paid we will still have our own money to spend as we wish.

The OP says he was married before with a home and after the divorce his wife got the better deal..I think his money has been lost in the divorce. I think the OP will be marrying for the first time.

Why are you getting married? Your home will be a marital asset and unless it turns out to be a short marriage it won't matter who bought the house, it will be split in the event of a divorce and his child will be as entitled as your child will be in the event of death.

A prenup is not a safe bet either as they aren't automatically legally binding.

I think you need to think about this long and hard. Marrying and trying to protect something as only yours won't be possible. Take pensions into consideration too, incase you have a good one.

If you marry him, your home becomes a marital asset. If you split, there goes half. Add in his attitude that when you marry, everything is shared and that house will no longer be just yours.

You lose half your biggest financial asset if you marry. He gains half a house.

How long have you been together?

When me and my current husband got together I owned my own home, we got pregnant very quickly (not planned) and he moved in. We got married when DS was 18 months old, but I always paid the mortgage as I was the higher earner and it was my house. He never spoke of the house as “ours” or about shared assets etc. His family was considerably wealthier than me/my family, so I never had any concern that the house was anything but mine at that point.

We then moved to a much larger house, I had a good deposit from the sale of my house and he matched that with money from shares, so we went in completely 50:50 and the house is ours and would be split equally if we were to divorce.

I remember though when I bought my first flat, my boyfriend at the time moved in with me but had started talking about some friend of his that supposedly had a claim on a property his partner owned and he had been paying rent towards, even though they weren’t married etc etc. He was an ex within a month, for many reasons, but I wasn’t risking someone taking something that I had worked so hard to achieve, and this was what pushed me to finally end things.

In your situation I would 100% keep the house as your asset, get legal advice to ensure after marriage that this is the case. His talk of everything being shared would worry me, as he isn’t bringing anything to the table to share with you, or matching your contribution to the house to date. You need to protect your family home as you also have a child that is not his, and this is their home. You can have a joint account for bills, but the mortgage is paid by you from your account. Do you have to get married at this point though, given these concerns?

'He's of the opinion that once marriage is entered, everything is shared.'

That would be a reasonable opinion if you both had an equal amount of assets, but you don't. You have a property and he doesn't.

You need to speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are to protect your current assets for your two children.

You really must protect your existing assets. It would be crazy not to.

He has zero assets, handed them over to his ex and now thinks marriage entitles him to yours.
There is nothing in marriage for you.
You have had a child with him whilst not clear on finances.
Do not be foolish and hand over half an asset just to make him feel good.
Look at renting out this property and you can both save in the next year to fund a new one.

Far too many naive foolish women bitterly regret losing their childs home through rushing into a relationship which relieves them of THEIR home.

Your first child deserves so much better than you risking his home.
Because if this relationship fails, you WILL lose this home.

You have no business getting married when it risks your home.
As it is you are already providing him and two of his children with a home.

Please wake up to how perilous this can all be.
Get good legal advice.

Pre nup converted to a post nup following marriage makes it a legally binding financial settlement in case of divorce. Everything else can be sorted out with trusts in your will

This.

It’s important to protect yourself financially, but attaching so much emotion to a house and not wanting to share it, but having a child with someone seems a very strange dichotomy.

Seems like more thought is being put into a house than a child.

If OP were male and her DH female, would you all be urging him to ‘protect his assets’?

Would opinions be the same if OP was the man who was exercising caution.
They are getting married and have a child!

This in abundance

DP has a good job and is generous. Good father, partner and decent person all round. He says he would put money into the house and share the mortgage going forward. But it would lead towards a shared situation. I'm used to being independent and love having the house as an asset which is why I fear losing it in the future. I would like to enter the marriage with positive intentions and with trust. I'm torn between thinking I should protect my asset and entering the marriage with open trust. I did trust him to have a baby with and have no fear around that.

My questions would be

• How did his first marriage end, and how long?
• How has he come to own nothing, dispite having got to his 40s and earned well?, he should have had something from the divorce.
• How long have you been together?

His attitude of everything is shared, but he has nothing to put in that shared pot, is in my mind a big red flag.

Do you not think it’s a bit odd you didn’t hesitate to have a child but you’re hesitating over this?

How long have you been together? That would influence my decision if I were you. Did you get together just before getting pregnant, so perhaps you have only known him for under two years? Or was his divorce many years ago and you have been with him 5+ years?

You have paid £50k and have £100k left on the mortgage, but I wouldn't go just on the mortgage: I suggest you actually get the house valued by a couple of estate agents.
Say it is now worth £200k for example, and you bought it for £150 with no or minimal deposit, you now actually own half the equity (£100 owned, £100 on mortgage), because the increase in value is yours.

A deed of trust relates to the house ownership, not the mortgage - this is important - it says what % of the house you each own as "tenants in common", or that you own the first £X fixed amount and the rest is split in a % each.
This is regardless of who is on the mortgage or who pays the mortgage - although the mortgage company will have some input into these decisions.
(Get this checked by a specialist solicitor as I am not a lawyer.)

In the scenario above, you might get a deed to say that you own 75%, which is equivalent to the £100 you already have and half of the other £100, and he owns 25% which is half of the £100 still on the mortgage.
Then his name goes on the mortgage (likely you will need to get a new mortgage) as an equal partner and you pay the mortgage out of a joint current account.
(How you each pay into the current account and how much income you each keep for yourselves for personal spending is a whole other conversation).

This is not watertight, as in the case of a future divorce, especially after many years, everything is on the table and the courts will decide, but the deed of trust may well be given weight as it shows your clear intentions at the time of marriage. You may find that you would have to sell up to pay him his share.

Finally, your % of the home as described in the deed is what you leave in your will - another trip needed after marriage to a solicitor who specialises in wills.

To be honest your voting options don’t make sense and I don’t think you can really boil down the options to this.

there is no set way to deal with this. It’s a fairly common predicament that you can seek legal advice on.

ultimately some type of prenuptial agreement you might be more comfortable with, and he’s entitled to walk away if he doesn’t agree.

Protect your assets , I’ve been married 13 years and mine recognises that I had £150k of equity which in the event of divorce would be repaid before rest of house proceeds being split - DH is not named on the house deeds nor any of the utilities with the exception of council tax , I have always been determined to never risk my home and equity

If you broke up wouldn’t he be entitled to half anyway?

It's all well and good wanting to enter the marriage with positive intentions, but you'll also being entering it with assets he could end up with compared to his 0. Please don't do it.