To feel protective of my house

[ThisMintHouse]

Early 40s F. Getting married next year to wonderful, kind and generous man also early 40s. We have a child each from previous relationships and an ours baby now 1yo.
I bought a house 7 years ago and have just over 100k left on the mortgage. I've paid off about 50k. He's interested in contributing and making it our home. I'm feeling a bit scared about this as my home is a haven and I don't want to lose it. However, I also want to respect and trust my relationship. He doesn't have any property but he has a decent job and good earning potential.

YANBU: A house is a majorly important asset. Protect what was yours before the marriage.

YABU: Marriage includes combining assets and trusting one another. Jump in and trust in the process.

Prenuptial and if you buy a house together buy as joint tenants.

I’m single and own a house. Personally I would never give up that security and give half of it to a man. If you marry and things don’t work out then he will potentially be entitled to take half of the value, which could see you having to sell up and move out.

I would get financial advice and find out what you have to gain and what you have to lose financially if you marry because sometimes it isn’t the most sensible option. You’ve already had a child together without marriage so I assume it’s not important to you from a religious/ traditional values point of view and you don’t have to go along with marrying just because it’s the done thing. A child is a much bigger commitment than marriage so I wouldn’t worry that not wanting to marry sends out the wrong message! Ultimately you need to prioritise what is best for you and your 2 children in terms of long term financial security, not what is best for your partner’s ego.

The majority of women on MN did not/do not own their own homes before moving in with their DPs.

If you think someone is a cocklodger then you wouldn’t marry them.

Having been on MN a very long time, I disagree that the MN view would inevitably be the opposite if the sexes were reversed.

Im marrying dp next year. We are tenants in common with separate proportions of the house we bought together. I made a will in contemplation of marriage protecting my son’s inheritance and giving dp 5 years following my death to stay in the house (not a life interest). His will isn’t exactly a mirror will but it is a similar pattern. Both of us get the survivor’s pension if the other dies (his pension will provide more to me if he dies than the other way round tbh). However, I have mentally accepted that if I’m here on my own I probably won’t be able to afford to buy out his children and will end up moving/downsizing. That’s fine though a bit sad as I adore this house. He earns more than me and contributes slightly more to the bills.

Interestingly I don’t think his will was made officially in contemplation of marriage, so unless he fixes that he could die intestate which would benefit me enormously… so I will probably remind him about that, maybe once… (I wouldn’t deliberately screw over his children but I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t slightly adjust things in my favour…)

Anyway, not to bang on for pages about my different circumstances but just to say that this stuff is extremely complicated and you need specialist legal advice pronto.

It’s different because they’ve both lived a life and accumulated assets, or not. A will can ensure her DP is provided for on death but she needs to protect her home in the event of a split.

Nah protect yourself . No man is ever worth risking it for.

But then why get married?

And what will be different with a will that ensures he’s provided for in death - which will likely mean the house has to be sold anyway?

And if she died next year, how would she ensure her new child has a home for the next 18years.

If they didn’t have a shared child then it would be different, but they do.

I think you get married for the sole purpose of sharing assets or you don’t get married and just get life insurance instead.

We would be telling OP to marry her DP to protect herself and child if anything were to happen to him.

As you have a child together I am presuming you are already living together. Is this in your house? You say he is interested in contributing towards the mortgage is he currently contributing towards mortgage or household expenses?

Marriage is a business contract. We should be more upfront/clear about that. You wouldn't sign a business contract without doing due diligence and agreeing terms first. I would say the same if it was a man looking to protect his only financial asset, as the OP wishes to do. We're not talking about a billionaire demanding his future wife ask for pin money. We're talking about a previously single parent who has managed to buy her own property, to create a secure home and financial safety net for herself and her children. The OP's partner has not been able to do the same, but now wants to take advantage of her hard work.

YANBU OP. This needs to be sorted out well before you get married. Don't just plough ahead and hope that things will somehow work themselves out. If you can't agree finances now, it's not going to get any better once you're married. Speak to a qualified, independent advisor about your options, take time to think about them and decide what you want, then discuss this with your partner. If you can't reach an agreement, then marriage isn't right for either of you.

That's easy, life insurance to clear mortgage - will trust for partner vesting the the child at a given age.

And the big question has to be WHY the man here hasn't been able to do the same, especially if he earns more than her.

He may be a lovely chap, but is he feckless with money? why has he not got a foothold on financial security where she has?

@DeftWasp maybe OP got more from a previous marriage and her new partner got less. Maybe partner is retraining hence having earning potential.

I think you can have unequal ownership of the house, so for instance you could have 3/4 share and him 1/4 share rather than 50:50.

The could be a dozen good reasons, but as they say in business "due dilligence" is needed to find out the situation ahead of time.

I wouldn’t get married in your situation, but if you do make sure you get a good lawyer to update your will so that your children are protected. This is especially important for your first child. Sorry if this comes across as a bit cynical or over cautious.

Yes, you can be TIC with unequal shares, however, you would have to accept potentially loosing the house in the case of a split as it may have to be sold, and after costs that could leave you in a smaller home.

I don't think there is anything unhealthy about cynicism in these situations, it's huge sums of money at stake and its so easy for the heart to overtake the head.

Why are you marrying him? I definitely wouldn’t.

A house becomes a marital asset. Once you are married and put any length into that marriage it’ll be a an asset that will would be divided upon divorce

I do see where you're coming from but it's women who go through pregnancy and give birth then generally sacrifice more of their career, earning potential, time and energy to bring up children. Expecting a man/father to ensure that his wife will have a secure home should the relationship go wrong or the woman/mother defend some of the assets she earned before rearing children isn't necessarily unreasonable.

OP please get legal advice.

I agree with posters that it is odd that someone has reached his stage in life without assets. You say he has good earning potential - does that mean he isn’t earning now? What do you know about his salary and outgoing? Do you live together now and does he contribute?

Definitely legal advice on this

You need legal advice and a good will to protect your son.

Protect your house

This