Does anyone else have this approach to friendships or am I weird?

[BarbaraVineFan]

Since I was at school I have always had close friendships with a few people (typically only 3 or 4) and only really acquaintanceships with everyone else, although I am always friendly. However, I am wondering now if I’m a bit odd, because I basically get very close to these people for a period of time (for example, for the duration of a job I will make close friendships with a few people) but then don’t maintain the friendships afterwards when I leave the job.

Of course, I have retained some friends throughout my life- for example, my two closest friends from university- but I only see them a couple of times a year and usually talk/text every couple of months or so, whereas on a day to day basis I feel closer to my ‘current’ work friends and would tend to see them outside work more frequently, say once or twice a month. I am definitely not someone who wants to see friends constantly and am quite happy in my own company or that of my family.

I’m just wondering if this habit of making close friendships and then ‘discarding’ them and making new ones is normal, or am I a sociopath?!

That’s what actors do all the time.

Ooh, I wish I were an actor! I’m a teacher, which is a bit less exciting but perhaps equally likely to lead to close friendships?

Idk it seems quite shallow to me - not to have lasting close friendships. And to have this “situation” friendships. But what do I know?

I do similar but retain a few from most situation/ stages for example one from school, three from university, one from my first job, two from baby years and another couple from primary school years.
I can't imagine discarding them to be honest.

I’m the same. Went to 5 different primary schools so never really learnt to stay friends with people. Didn’t realise until I was in my 50s that I was still doing the same thing. I do regret not keeping in touch with some people if I’m honest.

You're not a sociopath OP! But, have you considered you might be neurodivergent?

I am like this - I was diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago and am considering pursuing an autism assessment this year.

I was always amicable with most people at school/college/uni/work, but purposefully keep my close circle of friends very small. And I very rarely stay in contact with old colleagues - in my 15 year working life I regularly speak to a total of four ex-colleagues from different jobs!

You see, I would say that I do have lasting close friendships, because I do feel close to my two best friends from university. We can and do talk about anything, have been on holiday together etc. But perhaps they are not ‘close’ in the same way as other people have close friendships where they talk/text/ see each other most days? I just don’t think I’d be able to do that- I would feel a bit overwhelmed I think.

This is exactly what I do. Just that I have lost touch with some.

I used to do the same, and to some extent I still do this, for some sports hobbies I would never have thought of seeing people outside the team sport, then realised that oh....people actually do things outside of the realm they know these people through?! Oh, people stay in touch with people they worked with - that's a thing?!!
Very much keeping people within boxes and if the box isn't current then it kind of doesn't exist if that makes sense!!

In all honesty once it clicked that I was probably abit weird with that I did make an effort to extend friendships etc, but I do actually suspect I'm probably on the autistic spectrum...........or not depending on the answers to this thread 😂

I don't think your abnormal. The people you haven't maintained relationships with can't be that great at it either...

I also think my job is extremely social. You are making so many interactions every day. I honestly don’t think I’d have the headspace to maintain more friendships than I do already. Is this weird?

i haven’t really considered being ND, but DD potentially has ADHD, and I have occasionally thought I might have this too. Not sure if that makes a difference.

I do this OP. I don't talk to my school friends anymore other than the odd text once a year, for no reason other than we don't live in the same city and I didn't put in the effort to maintain the friendships.

My closest friend is a uni friend who to be honest in the last few years I have really not made much effort and she has distanced herself from me because of it, we then reconnect and try again because neither of us wants to throw 23 years of friendship away, but the issue is with me and I am aware of that.

I have good work friends and have been with the same employer for 15+ years, so some of my colleague friends have stayed stable, i think that's why I've allowed other non colleague friendships to diminish. I also come from a culture of big families, so I have 4 close siblings, lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, and lots of extended family who I have always seen regularly at functions etc through my whole life, and many of those keep in contact by text/phone, so I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having lots of close friends. So if those circumstances weren't prevalent (long term colleagues plus loads of family), then maybe my approach to friendships would be more normal and reciprocal

I'm like this. Isn't it to do with just bonding to people more close to you in your everyday? Different friendships mean different things. I see my oldest and best friend probably once a year. There is no particular reason why it's only that regular, we're just not friends in the sense where we keep in constant contact. I'm also not her "best friend"( if that makes sense), she has other friends she sees far more regularly. We love each other, know everything there is to know about each other and while she's the type to have friends she sees a lot, I'm not looking to be one of them. That suits us both. Then I have my work friends who I'm basically trauma bonded to. I speak to them every single day (through choice ie we will meet outside of proper meetings) but I reckon if I left tomorrow there's only 1 I'd stay in touch with. But I love them all right now! I think it's best not to over think these things. But I am glad to hear I'm not the only one like this 😂

@RonaldMcDonaldTrumpi actually have a huge family but rarely see most of them, so that isn’t a factor for me really.

I'm similar in my friendships too so you're not alone. But it's not like past friends from old jobs etc have contacted me either so it's not a one way street. The few friends I do have are lovely enough to make up for the lack of quantity!

@Break4Love are you me?! This sounds identical to my situation! Pleased to know I’m not the only one!

@BarbaraVineFan in a nurse, so yes VERY social occupation, but social in a everyone else sucks the niceness out of me kind of way so yes, there's very little left for anyone else

It does sound like you could be.

However - remember, it is very normal and absolutely fine to outgrow people. If you aren't friends with many of your old school friends... that's absolutely fine! You aren't the same person as you were when you were 15. It's therefore, in my mind, not reasonable to not want to stay in touch with people you no longer align with, no matter what stage of life you're at.

I think that's fairly typical. Once you don't have something in common with someone - work etc - you discover your friendship wasn't quite as deep as you thought. If you're lucky, you may keep one or two of these friends beyond your common interest but, mostly, you'll drift apart.

I was trying to remember a description of friendship types I read on here once. Couldn't find it but found Aristotle's 3 types - friendships of utility, pleasure or the good. I don't think you need to have very regular (ie daily/weekly) contact to still have a really good friend. The really good ones still feel easy when you catch up with each other. The situational ones feel good while you need them in that situation.

I don't really understand why you think this is weird.

You have friends at work, you see them every day at work so you can easily maintain the friendships. You see each other out of work sometimes, perhaps a night out or whatever.
When you leave work you see them less, so it becomes harder to maintain the friendships.

In the meantime you find a new job or whatever and you meet new people, who you spend more time with. Old friendships fizzle out. Also people get married, have kids, move away, start new chapters.

I feel like that's just how life goes. I am not in contact with anyone I went to school or university with or jobs I did years ago. We simply grew apart and have less in common now. My life has changed dramatically between school and now.

I sometimes feel a bit sad I haven't kept the same friends from school but I met a man 30 miles away and settled in a different part of the county, went to two different universities and it was hard work trying to get together as we had all gone separate ways. To me this is perfectly normal.

@SwedishEdith there's a saying, friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime

I have four super-close, text every day, tell everything friends. One from early childhood, one from my first main workplace, one from my second and one from my third and current workplace.

I have had other super-close friendships that have fallen by the wayside over the years (I am late 40s) and the ones that have stuck aren't necessarily the ones I would have predicted.

Of my former very close friends, some I have lost touch with completely - others (like my best friend from university) I am still friends with but it's less intense, we can go whole weeks without texting.

So I wouldn't say I have a pattern as such. I do work hard at friendships, often harder than I feel the other person does. So whether they last I think is usually down to whether the other person matches my level of loyalty and effort - that's how it feels to me, anyway.

The only thing I find strange about your situation, OP, is that you aren't retaining ANY past friendships. It's natural to lose some, most even, over time. But I would have expected one or two to stick.

Do you feel that's it's their choice that they don't last, or yours, or a combination? And does it bother you? I mean, if the friendships you have meet your needs, it ain't broke, so don't fix it?

I am just the same as you but I’ve always thought that I am very lazy with friendships and will happily let them drift. I contact friends because I think I should rather than because I want to. If I am meeting friends, usually at their suggestion I’m always hoping that they will cancel and then I can stay home on my own. I always look at it that I am happy in my own company although I am interested in your viewpoint.

That's it! That's what I was trying to remember - perfect 😊

@Ilovelurchersi never said I didn’t retain any past friendships? I said that I retain one or two from each stage of my life.