Does anyone else have this approach to friendships or am I weird?

[BarbaraVineFan]

Since I was at school I have always had close friendships with a few people (typically only 3 or 4) and only really acquaintanceships with everyone else, although I am always friendly. However, I am wondering now if I’m a bit odd, because I basically get very close to these people for a period of time (for example, for the duration of a job I will make close friendships with a few people) but then don’t maintain the friendships afterwards when I leave the job.

Of course, I have retained some friends throughout my life- for example, my two closest friends from university- but I only see them a couple of times a year and usually talk/text every couple of months or so, whereas on a day to day basis I feel closer to my ‘current’ work friends and would tend to see them outside work more frequently, say once or twice a month. I am definitely not someone who wants to see friends constantly and am quite happy in my own company or that of my family.

I’m just wondering if this habit of making close friendships and then ‘discarding’ them and making new ones is normal, or am I a sociopath?!

I’m very much like this. I do a have a few close friends. A couple are from uni/old work who I see a couple times a year, a couple are in my life more recently and I see more frequently but not all the time. I prefer my own company, and the company of my partner. I move on from friendships really easily. It’s not because they don’t have any more to offer or feeling that I don’t gain anything from it, it’s more the other way around, I don’t feel like I have anything more to offer. I also have a low tolerance of people. If they only bring negative energy I move on. Spent too long being treated poorly so now I just walk away if I feel people are taking the piss. I sometimes wonder if I am a sociopath. I’m strangely okay with the concept.

I've got ADHD and I find it hard to stay in touch because "out of sight, out of mind" It's quite a common ADHD thing. I'm also awful at arranging things because I think way too much into the logistics, overwhelm myself, then forget anyway.

I've got 2 close friends who are natural organisers/hostesses, so I see them fairly often ♥️

I hate being like this because I've "lost" so many friendships through not being proactive and letting my anxiety take over. Just to add, I never turn down an invitation because I'm actually a sociable chatterbox, I just can't seem to fix my brain 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes I do this, lots of fairly intense situational friendships, great at the time, then drift when the thing that they’re centred around ends, things like primary school mums (DC now at secondary) football mums, dance mums etc, no fall outs, no discarding, just a gradual fade and on with our lives. DH is entirely the opposite, his main friends, now at 50 are friends from his primary school 🤯

This is my approach too.

I gwt what you mean. I wonder if it's an adhd out of sight out of mind type thing. I can't remember what ifs called

Sounds relatable. If you stayed close with everyone you met along the way you would have no time at all!

I completely agree with this.

Op you sound completely normal. It's always been common to lose touch with work colleagues once you've left the job and people only really stay loosely in touch nowadays because of social media. I've had many good times/nights out with colleagues/pta mums/primary school mums etc but often once you leave the situation the friendships fade and you naturally move on. No falling out or big dramas, it just fades. Sometimes one might "stick" and you become friends outside of the situation despite not seeing them everyday at work or school etc and that's great. But there is no need for people to put labels on something that has always been fairly common. I mean how many people say they will keep in touch with neighbours once they move!

Relationships fading out when circumstances change has always been normal. Personally, and this might sound harsh, I think because social media means that we can easily get in touch with someone that we last interacted with a over decade ago people kid themselves that these are still current friends.

Sounds completely normal to me and probably most people I know. My truest friends are from teenage years and I’m only in touch with x2 of them - there is no expectation for regular contact or meet ups but when we do it’s exactly the same as it ever was and always lovely. We will always be friends but that doesn’t mean we need to be messaging each other every day.

i had a friend who became extremely demanding and intense, didn’t accept I was too busy for regular catchups and continued to push - when i was actually going through something difficult at the time - this made me completely distance myself from that person because it was just too much!

Fair enough but that’s what it sounded like in your original post.

I am similar and don't see a problem with getting close to people I am with a lot, then the friendship fading. Having things in common is very bonding.

I have been the same and tbh I don't actually have any friends because I chose that because friends now bring drama and ugh I can't be chewed with it I'm 38 and most people still act like they are in school. I also feel I can't hold conversations with colleagues because I'm not in to what they are and so conversation goes stale almost awkward. I am suspected ADHD and I have autistic kids and father so I wouldn't put it pass me to also be autistic which won't help socially lol 😂

I have literally just said this I am suspected ADHD and possibly autistic as I have 3 kids father and siblings who are autistic and I find small. Talk with people hard because it's not my interest and so conversation always feels stale or awkward sadly where I live wait lists for diagnosis is 5 year plus :(

Hey OP, I think it's more complicated than people realise. I had parents that moved house every 5 years and always to a different area, school and always to the detriment of my friendships and they did it again when I was 15 and so I lost the last school friends I ever had. I did reconnect a few years back with a childhood best friend but the sad reality is we have nothing in common anymore, she has kids, she's a single mother and has had problematic relationships, I have a partner, no kids and travel a lot.

A big battle in life is finding people you have something in common with especially if you didn't go down the having kids route and you are a bit better off financially than most people you know and travelling a fair bit. We've met some brilliant like minded people travelling but there's never anybody in our home lives like us.

I was made redundant last year when our plant shut down and I that's a work family I really miss working with everyday but again once everyone has gone on to different jobs, lives in different places, different interests and age groups etc. I have stayed friends with a guy and he's a good guy but he is emotionally fragile too!

Just because you don’t like small talk, this doesn’t make you autistic!
Is this the effect of social media where everyone thinks they should be having the fake perfect glitzy life portrayed on social media? Don’t be taken in!

I think it's clear from this that you are not the only one. I've often wondered the same, always found the OTT "love you's" groups of friends a bit fake. I don't miss people that I've felt close to in work or whatever, when that situation/role changes. I'm happy if I bump into one and have a catch-up, but I have rarely actively maintained them. I put it down to my childhood in a busy household, living in a village and being unable to go out and do activities etc with schoolfriends readily. Throw in a few times where I did put in the effort and have a "best" friend, only for them to disappear when they got a boyfriend, or in one case after I helped one get through her driving test, and I concluded that it's not for me and usually I was "rescuing" them.

I've had the odd "angel" who's been in my life through a certain situation, and really been there for me, but then once it' over, they just fall away. I've also been the "angel" for others. I occasionally wonder how/if I'd find my "angels" to share my good fortune if I won millions on a lottery, but even then I don't think I'd aim for a reconnection, but rather get a solicitor or whatever to contact them on my behalf, anonymously. They were there for a time and a place, and I hope they have the happy lives they deserve, but other than that, our roles have played out.

I know many people, some who might think we are "friends" but those I'm really glad to know and have in my life are few and far between, and rarely seen, but I know if anything happened I/they would be there. I love when I see them, would see them more if they lived nearby, but they don't. I don't have the time/energy or inclination for fake or superficial stuff, or basic bullshit, so my way suits me perfectly for the most part - occasional family dramas are enough to remind me why!

It sounds as if you’re simply not good at making and keeping friends, and have convinced yourself as a result that all friendships are superficial, drama-filled or temporary.