Does anyone else have this approach to friendships or am I weird?

[BarbaraVineFan]

Since I was at school I have always had close friendships with a few people (typically only 3 or 4) and only really acquaintanceships with everyone else, although I am always friendly. However, I am wondering now if I’m a bit odd, because I basically get very close to these people for a period of time (for example, for the duration of a job I will make close friendships with a few people) but then don’t maintain the friendships afterwards when I leave the job.

Of course, I have retained some friends throughout my life- for example, my two closest friends from university- but I only see them a couple of times a year and usually talk/text every couple of months or so, whereas on a day to day basis I feel closer to my ‘current’ work friends and would tend to see them outside work more frequently, say once or twice a month. I am definitely not someone who wants to see friends constantly and am quite happy in my own company or that of my family.

I’m just wondering if this habit of making close friendships and then ‘discarding’ them and making new ones is normal, or am I a sociopath?!

I realised myself that I have always done that too... Social media has made it easier to keep in touch, and I'm better at it now, but yes, few friendships lasted beyond the context within which they were made.

Completely normal for anyone who has a busy and fulfilling life. Friendships come and go and some remain longer term.

Nothing at all out of the ordinary or neurodivergent about what you’re describing.

What’s neurodivergent about what the OP is describing? She’s describing the normal passage of time and friendships coming and going.

This is me exactly. I have loads of people I was really close to previously but out of sight out of mind! I have one friend from school and one mum friend of 12 years. All other friendships have been really good and close with just a few people but not really has longevity other than comments on fb or insta.

I Jane loads of people at work that I'd chat to but wouldn't dream if planning to see them out of work and only 3 people I'd consider actual friends.

Also I'm not in direct contact with anyone from uni fur undergrad or postgrad!

I'm the worst friend!

I have one friend from when I was at primary school, who I don't speak to a lot (maybe twice a year) but it genuinely doesn't matter to us because we can pick right up where we left off.

And I have one friend who is the parent of my son's friend and we're so similar that it's shocking. Like, I never thought I'd find a friend who's like me. And I see her every day (or near enough).

Then I have my partner, who is basically the male version of me.

Sometimes I feel lonely but then I remember that I just can't keep up with lots of friendships because I really don't have the mental energy

I don't have any friends from my youth, student years or 20 years of office-based work. I have a couple of good friends that I met through DC friendships, and that's it. I'm very happy with that.

I'm ND, and it definitely affects my ability to socialise and form meaningful connections.

It can be too do with proximity. Once you're no longer scheduled to share space with the work friends, you don't think of them very much. Old school or University friends, for some people, occupy a more inner circle because they were friendships formed in earlier years when we turned to share our lives more intimately as a developing adult.

Depends where you work and for how long sometimes. Situational friendships are entirely normal, and making close friends only when we're younger is normal as in life you are often thrown together with people you wouldn't choose as lifelong friends. There wouldn't be enough hours in the day to keep close friendships with everyone you've ever known. I find only since my kids were older that I have the headspace to pay more attention to cultivating friendship again.

I have two friends from primary school on SM and comment on each others posts but meet maybe once or twice a year tops. Two university friends see them 2-3 times a year and phone them every couple of months. A few work friends maybe one from each job over the years. Great friends where I used to live with had, loved the area and loved my friends but had a husband who became an ex who was abusive so pretty much moved and I realised many people weren’t my real friends. Worked hard at friendship in my new town but they take time! People do to become real friends and with working full time and kids to look after I don’t have it. I am too tired to pop round in the evening etc I am getting there after 10 years and so have friends - close ones and other friendships. It is a bit like concentric circles coming out DH, close family and friends, other friends and acquaintances.

My best friend is my new DH I say new but it’s not really, I love him and he is my best friend.

Maybe it is me but I once read an article (science based) where they said 5 friends is the maximum anyone can really have as a friendship. You can have lots of acquaintances but 5 deep connection meaningful friendship was the most really like 4/5. Some people have many less eg just a partner. Some people can make more but it’s probably about 5. Some people have these all together like the sitcom friends. Some people have none or start off transactional in approach think Sheldon and then these develop.

Friendships ebb and flow. It hurts when they fail. They are living breathing things and Covid actually showed us our real friends I think 🤔

Seems normal to me. Work colleagues are not really friends - they are just people you socialise with while you work there - so when you leave a job you don't socialise any more. A sociopath is someone who demonstrates anti social behaviour eg commits crimes so not sure why you would think you are one of those.

Seems normal to me.

I would think it's quite normal to make friends with some people you work with, you see them every working day and if you get on well you almost inevitably become friends. But when you move to another job you lose that daily intimacy and drift apart again as you start to become friendly with your new workmates. A very few perhaps become permanent friends. The same with the mums you meet at school, your children become friends and the mums become friends, but at some point the friendships mostly drift apart again.

I am similar. I developed 2 close friendships at school who I now see couple times a year But I’ve had friends for periods times during jobs or when kids were little that have drifted after the situation changed. But it’s not just me that didn’t maintain those friendships the other person/people didnt either.
The issue is (I don’t know how old you are) but I’m 50 and have my two school friends and a couple of women from school who I occasionally go for coffee with. (My current job role hasn’t led to friendships) it’s not a major issue currently as I’m very busy with family but down the line I may want more connections.

I’m like this. I make very close friendships when I work with people but then when I leave or they leave, it just ends up being an occasional text. I am naturally quite a loner who prefers my own company and I don’t really enjoy planned meet ups.
I’ve never worked out why I’m like this, but I do have Asperger’s so it might be that.

It just sounds to me like you need some proximity to maintain friendships. I think modern life with lots of moves and job changes can be quite hard when you need this.

How are you comparing your friendships to other people's? I used to think I didn't have many friends compared to others until I read a thread where people were referring to "friends" that they'd not even had contact with in 2 or more years and to them it was normal. To me that's just someone you still have the contact details for but it made me realise that we all define friendship in very different ways.

I think a true friend is someone you can rely on and who you would help if needed to!

I have friends similar to yours and some are worth hanging on for!

Others will use you for your time and knowledge and then stab you in the back.

I decided a few years ago that I don’t keee needy or negative friends in my life and I now see them once a year to ‘catch up’ this is them talking at me and taking no interest in my life!

Maybe you are just being choosy? Nothing wrong with that. Friendships are two way streets.

I think it's pretty normal that when you leave a job, despite having previously interacted with people for many hours each week, and probably shared confidences, without the 'situation' to bring you together most relationships fade away.

Same for hobby groups - without the shared interest there's no 'need' for you to meet up again so usually you don't. Nothing weird or cold about your approach, just life.

There’s a saying - friends for a reason, season or lifetime.

nobody stays friends with everyone from all their previous workplaces. Nobody stays friends with all the mums they met at toddler groups.

some people do make an effort to keep friends, more than others, but most friendships wax and wane.

This is totally normal. There is research by Robin Dunbar that people can generally only maintain a certain number of friendships at any point in time. So 5 very close friends, 15 in a wider circle and then up to 150 acquaintances. People move in and out of these circles over time, so if you develop a new close friendship, another moves to an outer circle. As you have some who have maintained their place in the ‘5’, there is nothing to worry about.

I am not ND, I have zero friends from school, not one.
I have a few friends from work that I have kept in touch with for many years but other than that I think most of my friends would be described as situational.
I am happy with that. Life is busy, I have a few health issues that zap my energy and I just don't have the inclination to spin the plates required to maintain multiple longterm friendships.
If that makes me a sociopath then so be it, I don't have the energy to change 🤷‍♂️🤣

This is completely normal. I imagine most people are the same.

As other have said friends are for a reason/season/lifetime. With social media we maintain the loose connections with the reasons/seasons than we would have done previously, we would have just said lost touch before and wondered what they were up to.
I have a similar (unintentional) approach to friendships, once I accept this is how most friendships work I worried less about forcing connections and have more friends now as I am now so concerned with finding BFFs.
My oldest/longest friends I see the least, but they’re the ones who I’d say truly know me as a person. Similarly, thinking of the mum friends I made during mat leave, most of these naturally fell away as we went back to work etc. There are a couple that I stayed in touch or reconnected with and we meet now although our children aren’t friends themselves. There are other mums from that time that I see again through primary school/activities and we have become good acquaintances again- very much of a season/reason though.

Been doing that all my life OP. If YABU then so am I.

Thanks all, a real range of responses! Please note that the sociopath comment was tongue-in-cheek of course- I don’t really think I’m a sociopath!