Does anyone else have this approach to friendships or am I weird?

[BarbaraVineFan]

Since I was at school I have always had close friendships with a few people (typically only 3 or 4) and only really acquaintanceships with everyone else, although I am always friendly. However, I am wondering now if I’m a bit odd, because I basically get very close to these people for a period of time (for example, for the duration of a job I will make close friendships with a few people) but then don’t maintain the friendships afterwards when I leave the job.

Of course, I have retained some friends throughout my life- for example, my two closest friends from university- but I only see them a couple of times a year and usually talk/text every couple of months or so, whereas on a day to day basis I feel closer to my ‘current’ work friends and would tend to see them outside work more frequently, say once or twice a month. I am definitely not someone who wants to see friends constantly and am quite happy in my own company or that of my family.

I’m just wondering if this habit of making close friendships and then ‘discarding’ them and making new ones is normal, or am I a sociopath?!

Theatre is odd. Unless it’s a long West End run it’s ’instant family’ - then, 6 weeks later, another one! And the job demands a degree of instant trust that a HR department with their horrific ‘team building’ weekends can only dream of! Everyone’s besties from Day 1.

Then there’s musicians. Ultimate teamwork. Unlike actors, rarely any ego issues. Management trainers should watch a top-rate string quartet rehearse - they co-operate fully in service of the music. But very often their social lives are completely separate.

Maybe it’s because musicians are selling a skill. Actors are selling their personalities and emotions.

I've only got a few close friends, they have been friends for years. I've had periods of being very close to work 'friends' but then it's not maintained. It's not conscious and I never ghost them, it's just a natural drift when we move on with life. I wouldn't say it's unusual, work takes up a lot of time so it makes sense we get close to people when working with them and see them more than real friends. They share the ups and downs of work that friends wouldn't get but once you take the shared workplace out of the equation, the relationship just doesn't have as much as it did.

My friendship patterns are exactly the same as yours OP.

All these posters who don't have the energy or inclination to invest in friendships - do you all have (decent) partners? Close siblings?

I just cannot fathom not wanting a community around me, people to share life with. I am longterm single but even with a partner I wanted to maintain friendships - apart from anything else it seems precarious to rely on one person. But also I just enjoy and feel comfort from sharing life with more people.

Just curious, as I DON'T have those close people atm, and find it very sad not having people to share special moments of life with. (I'm not completely alone, but I mean special close people, not just friends who have other closer friendships/relationships).

You sound like me. I maintain a few close friendships from school/uni but have had friends at work in the past who I don't maintain the relationship with after I've left. I just couldn't keep on top of maintaining every friendship I came across in life. I'm an introvert so would be way too drained to maintain friendships with more than about 5 people.

Out of curiosity have they tried to maintain contact with you? If they tried but you ignored/ didn't reciprocate their contact, then yes that is a bit rude, but if the friendship just run its course and neither side made an effort it doesn't seem so bad. I only have maintained contact with a small group work friends who I meet up with we have all retired and have a WhatsApp but due to other problems we haven't met as a group for ages but I still think of them as true friends who would come in an emergency. my other friend is someone I meet up with more regularly, ( weekly) we met when we attended ante natal classes and have been mates ever since.

You’re just an introvert, like me. I like to keep a very tight social circle and form just a handful of friendships at a time. I prefer a few close friends who I can be “deep’ with, rather than a whole tranche of friends with whom I share only surface level interactions . Nothing unusual about that.
It took me many years to come to terms with that, though - for a long time I thought I was “odd”.

This. People are so quick to slap labels on perfectly normal personality traits these days.

Everyone does it differently to what suits them and their personality. Unless it's making you miserable and you want a change don't stress the small stuff.

I am similar. The thing to watch for is what happens when you are no longer working. You will have to make the effort to join something like U3A or could end up quite isolated. I think you just get all your social interaction from work at the moment.

I do this too 😬

You sound like you are an introvert, many people are.

I was listening to the Mel Robbins podcast recently and one of her guests was talking about some research that suggests most people only keep half of their friends every seven years….so I reckon you’re normal. I’m the same as you. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever and are quite situational. Doesn’t mean they are any less valid or important

I don’t think it’s odd not to stay friends with old work friends. Often when you’ve left the job it isn’t the same/not much to keep you together.

I have adhd, and one of the features is almost not having ‘object permanence’ with friends. Like I can be really good friends with someone while I work with them but when I move to another area I don’t really think about them or miss them. It’s just like they disappear. Could it be this?

I'm just like this. All of my friendships are situational, and that suits me just fine. I'm well aware that if I leave this job I won't speak to any of my (lovely) colleagues again, I've done it before with colleagues I've considered very close to me and shared a lot with, although a few have reached out. I don't speak to anybody from school or university now, although I had some great friendships when I was there and again, some people did try to maintain friendshops. I know full well that I won't see any of my lovely school Mum friends once our children all split off to different Secondaries.

It doesn't bother me. I find friendships quite tiring anyway, and I'm far too disorganised and lazy to keep in touch with people I'm not seeing most days.

I think this is quite normal in teaching TBH. I’ve grown very close to the people I work with at a time and then, if you move somewhere else, you make strong bonds there. Teaching has its own trauma bonds!

I don’t think I’m particularly an introvert or have any signs of being neurodivergent, I just think what you’re describing is quite normal in teaching!

This thread has made me feel normal (or like I’ve found my little tribe of abnormal people!) I’m exactly like you op, and also a teacher with a big family like other posters. Totally agree with the pp who said our jobs suck the niceness out of us - I’m also an introvert so by the time I’ve done 5 days of school often there’s nothing left for anyone else.
When other friends are meeting up with their big gaggle of old school or uni friends sometimes I do feel regretful of letting so many friendships slide over the years, but I have several lovely friends who I’ve collected through different times of life who are all important to me. I’m trying to accept as I get older that this is just who I am.

I'm exactly the same. I have maybe one friend from each life stage and they're all pretty much at arms length (ie I see them a couple of times a year, or have different people for different things, eg a cycling friend, a yoga friend, a hiking friend etc). None of them really know each other. As my jobs have always been national roles and all over the UK, I've got friends all over the country too. Ive had probably 5 best friends too who I'm no longer in touch with at all.

I've never been one of those who kept all their school friends, or who 'rallies the girls'. You're pretty normal as far as I'm concerned 😊

Edit to say this sounds like I've hundreds of friends and really I have a decent handful. And it's more than enough

It sounds like you keep friends when they are convenient for you, then get rid of them when they no longer serve a purpose. It’s normal to make friends at different stages in life, but as you describe them as becoming very close friends then dumping them when you no longer work with them, you sound like you just use them.

I don’t think this is true at all. The friendships tail off naturally. Unless someone is actively unpleasant, I have never ‘ dumped’ anyone in my life.

I think it’s usaual for teachers to be friends if they are at the same- there’s so much work you tend to socialise together and have the mutual bond of shared stress. None teachers just d’get’ the stress.
and yeah, due to aforementioned stress and work when you leave you don’t have time to keep up with them and your new colleagues.
and you are still in touch with old friends

Nothing jumped out at me here as being outside of typical for this age and lifestyle etc. I think this sounds more common in 'real life's than the responses received.

Im still friends with someone I worked with 8 years ago but I consider that very very unusual especially as we dont even live near each other. Meet up a few times a year. But I've had a lot of jobs and most friendships from work tailed off a few months to a year after leaving no matter how close at the time.

Verdict: youre not weird.

I agree with you. I've had all my friends from teenage years.