My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

As someone kind of older (60s) I'm very familiar with the term "while you're under my roof" , the all extending tentacles of which covering what parents considered misdemeanors conducted 1000 miles away.

In this case, it was actually physically under their roof, their home and disrespectful in the extreme. I rather think the OP's son would have been too cheap to pay for a hotel room if his attitude to the taxi fare for this quite possibly unsuspecting of cheating young woman was anything to go by.

Awaits chorus of "perhaps he didn't want to leave the d-ooooo-g".

Nope no paracetamol in the house, we don’t tend to keep a massive supply and we’d had lots of guests over Christmas so it ran out before we had a chance to replace it.

Maybe you let strangers stay in your house, I don’t, DS knows this, it has always been like this, we have never been a spot for one night stands, not now, not ever. I don’t want strangers in my home and I pay the mortgage and the bills so DH and I get to decide that.

Utter bollocks. He has brought a complete stranger into a house he doesn’t live in. Stop being nosey? Are you serious? He’s cheating on his girlfriend and disrespecting his parents home and you say “mind your own business”. The mind boggles.

He was dog sitting! So no he didn't want to 'leave the dooooog'.

These odd parents trek home via train and taxi passing no doubt a load of shops stocking milk and paracetamol. They decide not to let their adult son even know they are returning then decide he needs to take them shopping in the middle of the night and lo and behold find a fling in his room.

Disapprove yes, tell him off the next day and request he dumps his gf yes. That is it.

the op has left the thread
so you can stop now if you like

The 'complete stranger' was with the ds. Not as if he gave her keys and left her to it so yes, if my adult dc brought someone home I wouldn't be overly impressed but I would deal with it calmly. The op is overly invested in the whole situation.

I think you’ve done the right thing! I would be so disappointed in my children if this happened.
He brought a stranger into your home but clearly he thought he could get away with it.

You’re teaching your son morals, no matter his age, he is still your son. You’re doing the right thing in explaining to him that he can’t cheat, think it’s okay to hide and then decide to propose to clear his guilt. My worry would be that he would continue to cheat in their relationship. He is disrespecting his gf and clearly isn’t happy with something as he wouldn’t cheat if he was.

I’m glad you’re not telling her, I do think it should come from him but I would absolutely stay on him to make sure he does it. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable driving them to the airport for a holiday if she didn’t know the truth.

I don’t announce returning to my own home, I expect anyone who is staying there to treat it with respect including DS. Therefor I don’t fear returning without notice as it is my house.

DH didn’t have a headache whilst on the way home, we didn’t know the milk was run out (we left a 2 litre carton).

You can run your home differently, this is how I run mine.

Stop being nosey?

Yes how dare @ErsBears have the audacity to want to know who is in her house!

FGS, this thread is an eye opener. So many people with no integrity and morals of sewer rats.

She was here 5mins ago?

If you have, in fact, read and correctly understood the OP then you can easily establish that the whole thing was easily avoided and did not require a hysterical reaction.

Could have been avoided by me announcing my return?

Should I announce my return to DH too, so he can cheat in peace! How dare I impose myself like that in my own home.

You're asking for opinions hun so mine is let your ds know your plans, stock up on paracetamol. If you ever find a 'stranger' in his room deal with it quietly and calmly.

The OP last commented 3 minutes before you.

We can definitely see the origins of mens' entitlement is in the home.

If their route home took them via every Tesco and Sainsburys in the UK, it makes no difference to what he did.

In the 80s my parents returned home shortly after leaving for a holdiday (forgotten passports) to find my younger DBro and HIS FIANCEE (later wife) emerging from his bedroom in a state of fluster. DM was outraged and when she vented to me later (I'd long moved out) I basically told her not to be so utterly ridiculous, Dad agreed.

Totally different situation here. Op's son is a disrespectful cheat and @ErsBears isn't going along with rotten behaviour.

The whole thing could have been easily avoided if the son didn't cheat on his girlfriend in his parents home, yes. Not sure how that's the OPs fault or where you're getting hysterical from.

Men do like to call women hysterical when they feel any sort of emotion though, eh?

Whoever thought one might use those new fangled gadgets called phones to communicate ones travel plans. Far better to up <in your own home has that been mentioned> to catch the son at it with some 'stranger'.

I wonder when the 28yr old adult son will ever ask to stay again .

I don't think you should get involved. Your DS isn't married and although he is clearly in a committed relationship, he is still young. I think it's good that you have told him how much you disapprove of this behaviour, but I'd draw the line at telling her what's happened if I were you. You're his mum after all. He may well never do this again and if he does then it's clear he's not happy in his relationship, that's an important thing to find out before commitments like mortgages and kids happen.

How did she not deal with it calmly and quietly? She removed the woman from her home and set a clear boundary with her son, who frankly is old enough to know better. She has no need to let her son know her plans, on the off chance he’s brought someone home for an illicit shag.

Look, her son is a little shit. I'm not disputing that. Cheating is wrong. It's the disgusted raaaaging reaction that seems disproportionate imo.

Another person lacking basic morals. Her son brought a stranger home to her house to have sex. He is in a committed relationship and lying to his GF. OP does not owe her son everlasting loyalty to cover his disgusting behavior. She may love him unconditionally but does not have to support or condone his cheating.

These responses are exactly why we have so many men (and women) treating their partners so horribly. They run home to their mummies who say there, there it's alright. You are my special boy and can do no wrong. You can be as horrible of a person as you want and mummy is here to tell you it's okay and you are still always right and perfect. 🙄 That is called shit parenting and you are raising disgusting humans.

OP, you are right to keep instilling the same morals you always have. You don't have to compromise them. Your son may choose to be a cheater, but you do not have to support and condone it. I wouldn't either.

Totally on your side in being disappointed that your son isn’t living the values you’ve taught him and that this happened in your own house.