My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

You seem far more focussed on me returning to my own home than you do on him cheating. The only reason he wouldn’t want to stay here again is if he planned to be doing something nefarious, in which case I’d rather he didn’t stay.

These comments, family is family! CAN I just point out if this was the son who had found his dad cheating and asking should he tell his mum? Get real people! Too many boys are not being brought up properly. IMO I would make him tell her and then it’s up to her if she stays or goes. Either way I would want to know! She is young and has her life ahead of her if she has a flat and mature for her age she deserves better. FACT! Tell him to tell her or you will!

I get it you are fuming but its not your place to say anything. If I had said that ro my I know where he tell me to go. You don't know the inside and outs so keep your nose out of your sons business otherwise you will cause a wedge between the both of you. What does your husband say and while you are at it give your head a wobble

Okay. I'll bite.

Why would any self-respecting woman use the word 'hysterical' in this context?

I wouldn’t normally say getvinvolved in your son’s business - but here I 100% support it.

Don’t let him tell her on a holiday where she is trapped with him. She has to know before.

'Another person lacking basic morals'

Another one missing the point. Her son sounds awful, I'd be embarrassed too but I wouldn't be chucking women out in the middle of the night I'd have left it and dealt with it calmly in the morning.

I'm sorry your son doesn't respect you.

I'm not sure at this stage if these posters are all the same man, or there are a few.

I’m so sick of reading “he’s young…” as an excuse for this. He’s 28 fgs. DS2 turned 29 last week, he owns his own home with DDIL, they have a 2yo. He’s just about to finish his masters and starts a new job in a month so DDIL can cut her hours down.

OP’s DS is an entitled prick who thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. We all know some relationships don’t work out but have the respect to finish it before you start jumping into bed with other people.

And I’m telling you that I doubt I’m wrong. Without resorting to hysterical emojis. You seem to think the son and his girlfriend are swingers and it’s none of the OPs business what they do in HER home. No moral compass.

Honestly I despair at some of the comments here. If we ever wonder why men’s behaviour never seems to change no matter how much progress women make, this thread is a good example that progress goes out the window once it comes to raising their precious princes, it’s disgraceful.

I’ve been cheated on and wondered why no one ever told me (which probably hurt just as much or even more than the cheating) and saved me months of walking around like a clueless fool. This thread shows why.

Its not disproportionate though.

I think I'm in favour of telling his girlfriend myself: honest, matter-of-fact, just the information I have.

Why do we give precedence to the cheater, who will undoubtedly try to present himself in the best light, minimise his behaviour, or even lie outright? I care that GF has a full, accurate picture so she can make the best choices for herself.

So the idealised re-run would be: ring GF to inform her; kick son back to his own home and don't take him in when his consequences land; refuse to engage with drama.

Hopefully she'll take it out everyone's hands by finishing with the boyfriend for her own reasons 🙃

Surprised that so many people think you should have warned him you were coming home early TO YOUR OWN HOME. And then somehow that means it’s all your fault 🤪

I think I’d be like you OP. Although he’s an adult - he’s done it in your house when you have a relationship with his GF. Super awkward.

😱

They got her a taxi he paid for (and was angry he had to pay for btw) and she had him message to make sure she was home safely. They didn't chuck her out.

It would be much better to let them get up and make a lovely brunch and then remind them she needed to leave before his GF got there and caught him cheating on her. I am sure that would be much better.

But he needs to tell her - I think it’d ruin your relationship if you did it

I just think it's odd. Surely we all text family to let them know travel plans particularly as he was dog sitting so could have left earlier?

Were you suspicious or something and wanting to catch him at it?

'They got her a taxi he paid for (and was angry he had to pay for btw) and she had him message to make sure she was home safely. They didn't chuck her out.'

That is chucking her out.

No I wasn’t suspicious of anything, I expected to find him in the living room playing with the dog or upstairs watching TV. Our return wouldn’t change his plans so he had no need to know, he knew when we arrived. I was busy packing, rushing to a meal and just generally getting on with life, I don’t live on my phone.

I'm wondering how many of the MYOB are men.

Thanks for your position - his GF has a right to know. And, if he was resentful of paying for the taxi for his one night stand, he obviously needs some more training in decency.

Are “flings” by partners normal to you?

Whatever DS relationship status is, whoever the stranger is I do not care, I don’t let strangers stay in my home, DS knows this, he chose to ignore the boundaries he was fully aware of. The girl had 10 minutes home in a taxi and seemed rather glad to be going once she realised he had a girlfriend.
I don’t care what you would do in your house as her leaving wasn’t related to the cheating it was to do with the boundaries DS is fully aware of and disregarded. My boundaries weren’t the topic of the thread.

Absolutely disgusted at the amount of people telling you to stay out it, there is NO excuse for cheating it’s a complete lack of moral integrity and lack of respect and care for the person you do it to. I wonder if the situation were reversed and they or their child were the one being cheated on they would feel the same. As someone has mentioned he could be putting her health at risk if he hasn’t used protection. She deserves to know. You have been putt in an impossible situation and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.