My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Certainly male-identified. Once you see that there are women who will always identify with the man in any given situation and not the woman, you can't unsee it.

I come down on telling the gf before she goes on vacation with him. Would she have sex with him if she knew he cheated? She doesn't have full knowledge of his sexual activity so if she has sex with him there's not informed consent on her side. He could be exposing her to infection and STIs. He's lying to her.

Tell us how it was “easily avoided” 🤔

Not particularly a question for you but do a lot of people on Mumsnet live very narrow lives that they call out so many perfectly plausible threads or posts on threads as made up?

& people like you why we have a societal problem with absent fathers, because their mothers condone their actions. Do you not see that this is disgusting for a parent not to say anything….what about crime or even murder would you say anything then or would you protect your son? Life is not Eastenders, society was based on morals that is why we had religion to scare us into living good lives. We should want to be good people seems you do not want that for your family.

After 37 pages I can’t believe there’s still people going on and on about the OP not informing her son she was coming home. How are people so spectacularly missing the point? Are people really so desperate to blame the woman that they’re ignoring the very very main issue of the son shagging a random woman in the OP’s house, just to berate the OP for not sending a text? I just don’t understand how people can read the OP’s first post, and their number 1 takeaway is ‘why didn’t you tell your son you were coming home?’. I personally would have sent a text, but who cares that the OP didn’t. It’s truly not important. What is important is the actions of her son.

I also think it’s morally questionable that the ‘you should have sent a text’ brigade are ignoring the glaring undertone of their advice which is ‘you should have sent a text so that your DS could have then hidden his cheating, meaning you would be none the wiser and he could continue on treating his girlfriend like shit without his meddling mother being aware of his actions’. Sure, ignorance is bliss, but saying this after the OP is already aware is essentially supporting the son having the opportunity to cover up the cheating. Why? Why should he have been afforded that opportunity? If people saying this caught their husbands in bed with another woman, how would they feel if they were told ‘well, you probably should have text him first to let him know you were coming home…then you never would have found out and you would have saved yourself the heartache!’. I just don’t get why any self respecting woman posting here would be happy to essentially support the son having an opportunity to hide cheating on his long term gf.

How many children do you have?

Did he use protection when sleeping with this other girl? Will be be using protection when sleeping with his GF? He could be passing an STI onto her.
Quite possibly if she’s on contraception then there not using anything else if she thinks there in a committed exclusive relationship.
There probably going to sleep together on holiday and if he decides to tell her / break up with her after the holiday after sleeping with her then that is horrible as presumably she would not have chosen to sleep with him once knowing he cheated.
I would tell her before the holiday if your son does not. She deserves to know.

As it is her house it is her business, and her son has put her in an awful situation considering she has a relationship with his girlfriend. Some people have higher moral values than others.

Sti check would be a good shout.

😬

Oh tricky one.

I have a son too and if he was to do this I’d be very disappointed in him. However, I’d probably tell myself that if he’s doing this then his relationship with gf isn’t ‘the one’! I’d explain this to him and it’s obvious that he should end it. However, I’d let them have the holiday together and expect him to let her know it’s over once home.

He could at least not ruin gf’s holiday plans (that’ll be embarrassing for her to explain to her friends) and make sure she has a nice time, he owes her that much at least.

Some women would rather not go on holiday with a man who has cheated on them (in a most calculated way) sleep with them while they are on this fool's mission and be dumped on their return.

There does seem to be a gang of morons on here doesn’t there?

We all have to get our kicks from somewhere but preying on a decent woman that has been put in a horrible situation by her adult DS
is the height of lowness.

Bordering on sadism. Go away, in fact take a good look at yourselves. You are the only reason you live sad little lives that gain pleasure from trolling.

He mentioned an engagement ring.

So put yourself in the girlfriend’s position you would prefer to have the holiday rather than know the man you known for 2 years has been cheating on you? Because a holiday is more important….is that what you are saying?

That is still quite infantilising of the GF - who is to say what arrangement they will come to over the holiday, she might indeed not go, or she might choose to just go on her own or take a friend with her instead (who says she didn't pay the bulk if she is wealthier than he is?).

Whatever she chose to do would be by her own agency, this is a situation about an adult woman and her health and sexual consent, and her ability to plan her long-term future - it's not like taking your old pet to the beach for a 'nice last day' before putting it to sleep.

A ruined holiday is trivial; sexual health and informed consent are paramount.

Fair!

But it is when it’s in her house he made it her business. Anyway she’s not deciding that she should just give the information, the GF makes the decision.

I don't even care if it's her house. Her care for the girlfriend is the most important thing and is valid regardless of anything else.

Have read through all your updates OP and scratching my head at why you're getting so much stick. The only thing that was a bit far was the ‘tell her or I will’ which you quickly rowed back on, you are fully entitled to take the position you have on the rest.
I hope your son and his partner can work it out in a way which is best for both of them.

He might be getting cold feet about moving in with her and the cheating was a blip. The holiday may be a chance to rekindle the relationship.

I said this is a tricky one! But the mum shouldn’t tell the gf, it has to be the son, either before if he definitely doesn’t to be with her or after if he’s unsure.

Go on holiday, show her a good time, then admit the truth of him being a cheat, so she can then see it was all based on a pack of lies?
Let me tell you, it is the lies that are hardest to handle with a cheat. Not the sex. The replaying of things and trying to unpick fact from fiction. It screws with your head for a very, very long time.

• He is also planning on moving in with her into her fully paid for flat.
• He downloaded a dating app, so there is premeditation, not got drunk and carrIed away.
• Now he is caught he is saying he loves her, doesn’t want to lose her and hopes to marry her!

Sounds like the girl friend is well shot of him and should know the truth. I with you OP, once you know you can’t unknown and you can’t lie by omission. He has really let himself down here, hopefully he will learn from this experience.