Yet another in laws one

[namechange215555]

Backstory: I get on fine with my FIL and Step MIL. We’re not close, but we’ve never fallen out or disagreed, perfectly fine surface level relationship. DH has never been very close to his dad due to childhood absences and the divorce, but he desperately wants his approval.

Story: visiting in laws, staying with them for a few nights. Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs. They’re bored stiff here, and we’re trying to limit iPads. It’s snowing and not easy to get them outside. It’s not a kid friendly house. Lots of breakable expensive things. There was a crash upstairs (just a baby gate fell over). FIL started shouting loudly at children to get off the stairs and stop what they were doing. Step MIL then followed on with extreme shouting to the point I grabbed the youngest and walked upstairs away from her. We’re not into gentle parenting, we do discipline our children, we do not however scream loudly in their faces for prolonged periods. And i’d never do it to another persons child. They see the children 1-3 times a year. Dh knows I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to them yet and we leave tomorrow anyway.

AIBU if they approach me about it to say to them “I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”.

Im also trying to make things not awkward for my DH who is now trying to placate everyone. I just want out of here now. DH said that “this was how he was raised” and it feels horrible knowing that. I’ve never heard them raising voices before but they truly went at my children.

Their reaction was OTT. You should try speaking to them calmly about how you didn't appreciate the way they yelled at the kids and how you would prefer that they correct the children when they do something wrong. You're not saying the kids should be allowed to get away with everything but you would rather not yelling and rather addressing the issues calmly not screaming at them.

Depending on how the conversation goes then you can escalate to telling them they would not be all pee bear your children again if they are not willing to discuss calmly or sensibly. I expect they would be defensive if that is how they raised DH so be prepared to put boundaries firmly in place and stick to it if they refuse.

It really should be your DH handling the conversation but unfortunately he seems incapable due to past history etc so yes you should take the initiative and speak up.

I wouldn't be okay with people yelling at my children, but I wouldn't have allowed them to run around in someone else's house either. Was someone supervising them?

We were downstairs talking to his parents, and they were playing a game around the house so would dot in/out of rooms. Agreed they had gotten too amped up and we should have stopped it.

It was just such a massive overreaction, particularly by Step MIL. I’ll sit DD down tomorrow and tell her that she was being too energetic, and shouldn’t have done that, but grandparents should never have spoken to her like that and if it ever happens again she is to tell me. Sometimes DH takes her solo to see them due to my work, and now I’m questioning that, but fortunately she’s old enough to tell me.

It sounds as though you've maybe stayed a little too long and the in laws and kids had had enough? I would suggest shorter visits. I would also probably be packing up and "driving whilst the roads are quiet" to escape tonight. I would probably talk to them after the visit. I always found it easier to have people to us when kids were little as they had their things, garden and toys etc

Unfortunately we’re flying back or I would be going ASAP. I’ve suggested a kids soft play center to my husband to bridge the hours we would be in the house tomorrow. Agreed re. the timing being too long. It’s sad as it’s only been 3 nights. My MIL is night and day with the kids vs my FIL and step MIL. I guess I should just be grateful for that.

I would say nothing. As hard as that is , because they are out of line. But believe me it will pay off long term if you don’t escalate this in the moment. Go home as soon as you can and later say that it’s too tricky to stay with them for a few days,

I wouldn’t stay with them again. It’s just too hard anyway when kids are small. Just sit on it for a bit, don’t react, let DH handle it. You can think it through and put in your boundaries later. You can think through DH taking them alone and whether you are comfortable with that.

I would never shout at my grandchildren it’s not my place. If they doing something that I think is unacceptable in my house which they have done in the past. I would ask my daughter to speak to them about it. I have asked them not to do something in my house when I thought they might hurt themselves and then explained to my daughter why I did so. If I was you I wouldn’t visit their home and perhaps get them to visit you instead explaining that their home is not suitable for young children. They might be happy with this solution.

I wouldn't appreciate the shouting at all, but it's completely inappropriate to leave a 5 and 2 year old playing upstairs without any adult supervision. Is this something that's quite normal for you? It sounds like havoc.

They 100% shouldn’t have shouted however it may have been in frustration at you not watching them properly ad equally in someone else’s house you should have eyes on kids their age at all times, more supervision is definitely needed by you or your partner especially as you have said it’s not a kids friendly house and lots of expensive breakables or you need to give in on your electronics rule when you need a break.

Why weren’t you parenting your 2 year old and 5 year old children as opposed to
letting them run wild, unsupervised, on a different house floor to you in a house which “isn’t kid friendly”?! You’re lucky real damage wasn’t done to them, let alone any material possessions!

Dont stay there again.

“We’re trying to limit iPad use” might be very virtuous of you in normal circumstances but you’re in a house that isn’t child friendly and have given the kids no alternative to running around wild. That’s on you. I wouldn’t like that either if I was your in laws. The shouting was wrong but you need to pre empt the issue and work out what your children should be doing that isn’t causing such disruption to your hosts.

Why would their house be kid friendly? They don’t have small kids. Tbh mine was never kid friendly either. It’s was your responsibility job to provide toys and entertainment etc, if you haven’t, then iPad use is fine.

They shouldn’t have shouted but if your DC have been running about, knocking things over and unsupervised for a few days, then theyve snapped.

if it has been one of MIL/FIL then they may be the ones over-reacting, but the fact that both snapped suggests you/your children were out of order.

Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs.

Your PILs were annoyed at your children running around unsupervised. They thought as nobody was parenting them, they needed to step in with their 1970s/80s version of discipline which is shouting.

Under these circumstances why are you trying to limit iPad use? For the short time you are there, surely keeping the kids entertained in a quiet fashion is your best option?

Why cant inlaws make their house kid friendly for a couple of days

You left a 2 year old and a 5 year old run around unsupervised on a different floor to you in a house that you know isn’t child-proofed and contains lots of expensive breakable things??

I wouldn't stay there again. They obviously don't enjoy the company of your children and step-MIL's reaction to a stair gate falling over was extreme. I don't think that children should be shouted at like that particularly as nothing was broken and nobody was hurt.

If your MIL is lovely and good with the children, concentrate your efforts on her in terms of visits and relationships with your children.

Give them the benefit of the doubt, did they know what the crash was? It all sounds like a boiling point situation with FIL reaching the end of his tether. At 5&2 they aren't really old enough to be left alone running around someone else's house.

Your job is to protect ur children - they were shouted at it was out of order. Your DH should have put a word in thats why you have this odd in between space of whether u should or not say anything. So you say nothing now but say everything with how you allow ur children to interact with these people going forward. Certainly from now on they don’t visit without ur ok and/or ur supervision. You actually need a very serious discussion with ur OH about whether he is capable of protecting his children from further inappropriate intervention by his dad and SM. If he is unable to do that then OP you have to keep ur children away. Or he has to understand that if it ever happens again - and it will - that you will intervene and u expect his backing. Sorry you had this.

Why should they? As soon as your kids are out of this age you move past this stage and designing your house like that (to be honest I am not sure our house was ever suitable for a 2 year old to be left unsupervised on a separate floor). Our child is a teenager and if I had 2 small children in my house that were going to be left on a separate floor I wouldn’t know where to start making it toddler proof, I think it would be near impossible.

Hmm not sure over the extent of the extreme screaming but I have certainly shouted at my own children if they have been running around upstairs causing things to fall over. It's not ok to do that (I don't like it in my own home so wouldn't be letting them run wild in someone else's house, especially knowing they have breakables) plus also depending on the house we live in a semi detached so I always think the neighbours must hear some noise too if they are running about.
I expect the in laws were hoping you would stop them running around and intervene before it reached this point. You mention they were upstairs playing games...at their ages I wouldn't have left them to do that unsupervised - not only could they have broken something they could also have hurt themselves/eachother going from room to room if they were shutting doors and caught someone's finger in it.
I think you needed to plan the visit better - when we go to the in laws we stay in a hotel, I look for activities we can do in the area to get the kids out the house and run around. I also think as someone else put, if you knew all the adults wanted to sit around and chat then screen time would have been fine.

You let your kids run around unsupervised upstairs in a strange house ? You let your kids become destructive because you let them get bored ? I suspect this was the thin end of the wedge for your in laws

Its unrealistic and unhelpful to children to 'child proof' every environment, you need to parent

Yes they shouted, but shouting is less harmful than one of them coming to harm which is possibly what they were worried about after hearing a crash. They wouldnt know what the crash was so were probably heightened even after seeing what caused it

Im interested in why the focus is on 2 people who are not bringing the children up and how they seem mainly at fault, when if this thread was the other way round with someone posting that the parent didnt seem to be 'parenting' the child there wouldnt be recommendations for not having the children visit again or going low contact etc

If we accept OP that you should have done better but lesson learned and no big deal then the same applies to the parents in law.