Yet another in laws one

[namechange215555]

Backstory: I get on fine with my FIL and Step MIL. We’re not close, but we’ve never fallen out or disagreed, perfectly fine surface level relationship. DH has never been very close to his dad due to childhood absences and the divorce, but he desperately wants his approval.

Story: visiting in laws, staying with them for a few nights. Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs. They’re bored stiff here, and we’re trying to limit iPads. It’s snowing and not easy to get them outside. It’s not a kid friendly house. Lots of breakable expensive things. There was a crash upstairs (just a baby gate fell over). FIL started shouting loudly at children to get off the stairs and stop what they were doing. Step MIL then followed on with extreme shouting to the point I grabbed the youngest and walked upstairs away from her. We’re not into gentle parenting, we do discipline our children, we do not however scream loudly in their faces for prolonged periods. And i’d never do it to another persons child. They see the children 1-3 times a year. Dh knows I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to them yet and we leave tomorrow anyway.

AIBU if they approach me about it to say to them “I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”.

Im also trying to make things not awkward for my DH who is now trying to placate everyone. I just want out of here now. DH said that “this was how he was raised” and it feels horrible knowing that. I’ve never heard them raising voices before but they truly went at my children.

This was our approach when visiting family over Christmas. Grandparents are great but only have so much energy so we let DS watch/play stuff in-between sessions of football in the garden/board games and so on.

However it doesn't sound like the best environment for them until they are older. Can you stay nearby next time?

YANBU they shouldn’t have shouted and lost control like that. It’s not on, hopefully they feel bad.

YABU to limit screen time for a 3 day trip you knew was tricky with no entertainment for the little ones. 2yr olds can’t be left alone in unsafe homes, why did you think that was ok? They could fall down the stairs, climb something dangerous, fall off a bed. I think you should have saved adult conversation time for when they were on screens. Off screen, one of the 4 adults should be actively watching them, or go for a walk or day trip all together.

So you’ve locked your children in an unsuitable house where they can’t run or play, they don’t have toys, they don’t have any outlet and you won’t even let them have the iPad? Come on now. Limiting screens is one thing but you’ve created some kind of toddler hellscape here. Of course they’re climbing the walls. Just let them watch cartoons/play games for 3 days out the year FFS.

Let it go - you were both in the wrong. Don’t stay there again whilst the kids are young .

I can't imagine leaving a 2 and 5 year old to entertain themselves in a strange house which you've said yourself is not child friendly.

If you were downstairs and the children upstairs with a stairgate in place (before it fell down) who was supervising? A 2 year old should be in sight or very close by at all times. A 5 year old also needs an adult actively checking what they are doing.

The grandparents shouldn't have shouted but it sounds like they are stressed by the children running around the house.

How did the stairgate fall down? Did one of the children cause it to fall? If so that could have been very dangerous.

I suggest a proper talk between the 4. adults when the children are not around, online if necessary. Say that you don't want the shouting to happen again and want a plan for avoiding it in future. This may mean shorter meetings or not meeting in MILs home, or one of the adults always supervising to avoid accidents.

@namechange215555 , to recap your very young children were playing unsupervised upstairs out of your sight in a home other than your own which you know is full of breakable, expensive things? Neither you or your husband thought this might result in damage to your hosts home? Or cared?
My guess is that your laissez faire attitude has resulted in continued stress for your in laws during your stay and while I would never suggest shouting is an effective form of communication for any situation I think they probably snapped. The bottom line is that if you abdicate responsibility for parenting your children you should not be either surprised nor put out if someone does it for you.

Or it may involve parents parenting the children rather than letting them run wild

At an appropriate moment :
It's been quite hard on the children being here as they are so young and obviously you both have been stressed about them running around.
Is there anything we can do collectively to make the next visit smoother ?

See what they say ...do they blame you /DH poor parenting ? Badly behaved DC...go from there and at some point gently impressed upon them ....because I can't have my children shouted at like that again.
There has to be give and take what have you donw to prepare for two small DC ?

The result maybe that they won't want to have you visit....which maybe a win !?

I personally would not even put myself in this situation.

I would not be staying at someone’s house with two young kids, away from all of the children’s home comforts. Especially when, as you say, the house is not child friendly. It sounds like hell.

The grandparents should not be screaming and shouting at the children. Any loving grandparents would help and play with the children, do they even want you all there?

Your husband sounds like an absolute drip, typical man who can’t put his family first.

No, the children shouldn’t have been upstairs unsupervised but the whole visit sounds shit and quite frankly I wouldn’t be going again.

@Moonnstarz really ?
What's the point of visiting then ?
That's asking a hell of a lot from the parents who can just stay at home and be safe and content ?why on earth should they visit.

My goodness is it to hard for these in laws or anyone to relaise op is in the thick of it with two small DC and may like a hand ?? If op is running around after the DC with neither fil or mil helping what's the point of being there ??

Unless i didn't want them to visit id never treat future gc like this.
Removing some precious items ,getting toys in from charity shops and some activies etc is no hardship.

Did they invite you to stay? If so, they should at least make an effort to have something in to entertain the grandchildren. It us very hard to visit family with two bored young children in a non child friendly house.
Perhaps going forward, they can visit you instead.

@namechange215555

You can see from some of these selfish and brutal replies what the mind set of your in laws may be.
In which case do not visit and I certainly wouldnt allow my DC there without me

Exactly, if you’ve got your son and dil visiting with young children.

Wouldn’t you put your ornaments and breakables out of the way? Get some charity shop toys in, arrange a few things to do, put some kids films on the TV?

Make your guests welcome? Unless they believe that children should be seen and not heard.

This is your husbands situation to deal with.

They’re his parents and he should be the one having a word with them about how if they want you to all come and visit they need to understand that children are children. They get bored, they need entertainment and they want to run around.

Yes really..is it that hard to say to the children you need to stay downstairs? Could they not have suggested a board game to play (snakes and ladders is pretty easy for all to enjoy).

I don't understand why seeing the grandparents always becomes a dump the children on them for them to supervise and then moan about when they don't want to do that. As a parent I take things with me. I remember lugging a big bag of stuff around when mine were little to keep them occupied.

Either of the parents at any point could have said about going out for a walk. Surely the in laws have internet or these days you can use your own data to look up playparks or activities in the area. It's no wonder the kids are causing mayhem as the OP herself said they were bored - it seems bizarre that both mum and dad just ignored this though and didn't do anything about it.

100pc this. My DB and kids came to visit over Xmas and they equally don't like the use of screens. But my house is not toddler proof at all, plus I have cats. So the kids watched a bit more TV than normal and we had an adult with the kids at all times even if the kids were only in the next room.
So I think you were both being unreasonable here. MiL shouldn't have shouted like that but you need to adjust parenting to the circumstances and the circumstances were not conducive to allow kids to play undersupervised

It’s meeting half way though isn’t it?

If grandparents actually want to see their children and grandchildren, then why should they share some of the load of playing with them? It isn’t dumping the children at all. They could at least have packed their breakables away. Everyone knows that toddlers are into everything.

When we used to visit my in-laws my fil would spend ages playing Lego, he bought one of those little tikes cars and would push all of the dgc around in it. Mil would set up a craft table.

@Whyherewego i can tell you now in such an unfriendly home there is no way I spend my holiday with two small DC in such an environment. Being used a nanny to watch the Dc all the time whilst everyone else has a relaxed sit down.
With young DC it's all hands to the wheel and put the DC first.
Fil sounds stupid and selfish and the fact that the real mil is fine and spends lots of time with them says loads .

If you don't want people to visit fine.

You need to leave and probably not stay again but I think you should have been looking after your children. A 2 year old upstairs without supervision is not on. Just a stair gate! It could have really hurt one of your children.

@Readyforarefresh my disabled Df used to get water colours out and do painting and yes also got a remote control car, Lego ,puzzles

Leave this morning & don’t stay again have them visit you or book a hotel. It’s clearly to much for them however you should of been supervising your children. No exccuse.

@grinchmcgrinchface and what about two young humans who have been screamed at

I think leave, OP, but don’t say what you’re thinking or what you have suggested. Silence speaks loud other than words and, on reflection, possibly everybody could’ve managed this a bit better.

Discretion is the better part of valour.