Yet another in laws one

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Backstory: I get on fine with my FIL and Step MIL. We’re not close, but we’ve never fallen out or disagreed, perfectly fine surface level relationship. DH has never been very close to his dad due to childhood absences and the divorce, but he desperately wants his approval.

Story: visiting in laws, staying with them for a few nights. Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs. They’re bored stiff here, and we’re trying to limit iPads. It’s snowing and not easy to get them outside. It’s not a kid friendly house. Lots of breakable expensive things. There was a crash upstairs (just a baby gate fell over). FIL started shouting loudly at children to get off the stairs and stop what they were doing. Step MIL then followed on with extreme shouting to the point I grabbed the youngest and walked upstairs away from her. We’re not into gentle parenting, we do discipline our children, we do not however scream loudly in their faces for prolonged periods. And i’d never do it to another persons child. They see the children 1-3 times a year. Dh knows I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to them yet and we leave tomorrow anyway.

AIBU if they approach me about it to say to them “I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”.

Im also trying to make things not awkward for my DH who is now trying to placate everyone. I just want out of here now. DH said that “this was how he was raised” and it feels horrible knowing that. I’ve never heard them raising voices before but they truly went at my children.

"I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”

Yeah.....that might not be the threat that you think it is.

Argh this is so hard. Ill never forget the day my mum really ripped into my kids (5 and 8 at the time) in front of me. They were scared and cried their eyes out, she had disciplined them plenty but never like that. They had ran off from her tbf (we were on holiday; they knew the hotel well but they had run off to find me against my mum's wishes) so she was justified in her anger. I had no idea what to do: I felt angry she had shouted and upset my children, I felt like a child again myself, but I also knew they had been naughty. In the end she left the room and we all just sat there crying even though I was nearly 30. I can laugh about it now.

If they are normally good I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, 2 and 5 are boisterous ages and we've all lost our rag at times.

If you are concerned just don't have them babysit unattended - I don't think this justifies an argument , or going no contact.

They probably thought that seeing as you and your husband couldn’t be bothered to parent the 2&5 yo children, they would step in and do it for you.

"There was a crash upstairs"

It could be they were absolutely terrified a 2 and 5 year old would / had hurt themselves ..sounds very dangerous. Stair guards pulled down...I'd be worried that worse could have happened...with fear then relief a shouted reaction is not all that inhuman ...regrettable but perhaps their nerves were frayed?

This is exactly the reason I never stay at other people’s houses, I always go for a hotel or Airbnb. It’s too stressful with the lively SEN kids.

i also would have lost my shit if they spoke to my kids that way.

Don’t agree with him shouting, but my children wouldn’t be charging about in someone else’s home, that was very bad, they should have been occupied quietly and respect others home.

Why does the first option have to end with a threat?

Seems you are looking to severe ties and if this isn't the reason, you were going to find something else down the line.

The rules in my house are very simple. Parent your children or i will parent them for you. If a 5 year old and 2 year old are unsupervised (which is wild to me, letting a 2 year old run amok upstairs without an adult) and have managed to knock down a stair gate what else have they already broken/could have broken? Or worse, a 2 year old could have fallen down the now guard-less stairs and broken a bone, got concussion etc. No wonder they shouted!
Id have shouted at them too and id have probably shouted at you and your dh for letting them run riot.
As others have said, give them a bloody ipad, its not the time or place to try and be a martyr about screen time!
And feel grateful that the most they/you had to deal with was shouting and not a hospital visit/stay.

2 year old needed constant supervision and the 5 year old needed checking up on from time to time .
The supervision and playing needed to be divided among the 4 !! Adults there .
It would be very difficult for them to completely child proof their home , I know my home isn’t child proof really ( family all adults now ) well not for the under 3 age group even though I’m not precious about a lot of my stuff .
I'm a mum of 3 and would feel frustrated about how many very precious and expensive ornaments and things my MIL had out 😩 but we did all share keeping the kids occupied or we took them out / let them watch kids TV .
I have a grandchild too and we all keep him occupied / play / take him out

If your kids were running around unsupervised and broke something, that's kind of on you.

Yes the shouting may have been OTT but you shouldn't have let it get to that stage if you didn't want your kids to be inbthe crosshairs.

I say leave. Actions speak louder than words.

Don't not visit them, but I think on this occasion just go home

I probably wouldn’t say anything but would get out as quickly as I could and not visit again. In the meantime I would ease up on limiting iPad time, that might help get you through this.

Sorry this has happened OP but the important thing is surely what you do about it. Lots of the older generation shouted, I know my parents did, but they were loving and are now wonderful grandparents who don’t ever shout at DGC.
I would try to have a non aggressive conversation with them before you leave about how you messed up too but how you are parenting without shouting so in the future you will supervise better but there can be no shouting or aggression. Maybe suggest how you would want them to handle a similar situation.
Families make mistakes, but I think parents of young children sometimes don’t seem to know how to deal with conflict, defuse a situation and move on to finding a workable solution. You could have intervened immediately Smil started for instance by removing the children or by calmly telling her to stop shouting and standing between them.
Sorry OP but your silent treatment is also a bit ridiculous and just adds to the drama.
She was definitely well out of order, and I too would never accept a repeat performance, but you have to decide whether you want to foster a relationship and if so how to make that happen.

This.

And kindly, this.

Along with its their generational way of disciplining when they thought you were being too lax as parents. They snapped. Glad they didn’t go on for a smack!!

Maybe the iPad time would not have been so bad as a rare occasion. The kids have had enough too!

It is the unspoken that can be the worst…

I would say nothing now and tell DH they need to come to you rather to their house.

Absolutely agree this is the best way to approach them

When you heard the crash... what did you and DH do exactly? Because if FIL managed to shout and have a bit of a rant and MIL got to do a long shouty lecture.. at what point were you parenting?
The easy way to shut this down would have been a quick 'I'll handle this Dave' as soon as FIL went to shout, go upstairs and deal with it yourself directly with the kids.
That should be all it takes, interrupt going 'I'll handle this' not letting them shout and moaning about it later.
Because your kids also need to know you'll stand up for them.