Yet another in laws one

[namechange215555]

Backstory: I get on fine with my FIL and Step MIL. We’re not close, but we’ve never fallen out or disagreed, perfectly fine surface level relationship. DH has never been very close to his dad due to childhood absences and the divorce, but he desperately wants his approval.

Story: visiting in laws, staying with them for a few nights. Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs. They’re bored stiff here, and we’re trying to limit iPads. It’s snowing and not easy to get them outside. It’s not a kid friendly house. Lots of breakable expensive things. There was a crash upstairs (just a baby gate fell over). FIL started shouting loudly at children to get off the stairs and stop what they were doing. Step MIL then followed on with extreme shouting to the point I grabbed the youngest and walked upstairs away from her. We’re not into gentle parenting, we do discipline our children, we do not however scream loudly in their faces for prolonged periods. And i’d never do it to another persons child. They see the children 1-3 times a year. Dh knows I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to them yet and we leave tomorrow anyway.

AIBU if they approach me about it to say to them “I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”.

Im also trying to make things not awkward for my DH who is now trying to placate everyone. I just want out of here now. DH said that “this was how he was raised” and it feels horrible knowing that. I’ve never heard them raising voices before but they truly went at my children.

I’d be suggesting they visit you for a while as kids get bored on boring houses, at home they’re in their own space

Absolutely no acknowledgment from @namechange215555 that she left a 5 and 2 year old unsupervised to run riot ON A DIFFERENT FLOOR of the house and how wildly inappropriate that was - despite the vast majority of posters pointing that out. and yet it’s SMIL who’s wrong 🙄

The entitlement is strong here.

You’re partially to blame here - the kids are bored, claustrophobic and have nothing to do and you’re limiting screen time.

Give them the iPads for ffs.

I Would just let it go this time. I would then make the visits shorter in future and if you can find a air BnB nearby to stay they might be better, i think they obviously just felt tense as needed house back / not used to kids and heard the crash and freaked out

Sounds like you were all out of line. You shouldn't have been letting such young kids run around unsupervised. You should have been better prepared with books, games and toys if you are limiting as screen time when you know you are going to a house that is not kitted out for kids.

Your In-laws over reacted and disciplined them in a way that was natural to them. I'm wondering though if perhaps they were at their wits end. You'd been there a number of days, you were limiting screen time, leaving the kids unsupervised to do what they liked, and you didn't have enough toys, books, or games to keep them occupied in a home that isn't kitted out for kids.

I've shouted at my niece and nephew before because they were playing near the stairs and I had to shout at them to make them stop because I was scared they would fall! Maybe that's why they shouted out of fear of them getting hurt more than anything, my sister understood completely when I told her and said she'd have done the same

This is really inappropriate of them, they were sat with you, they should have spoken to you if they had an issue, equally your dh should probably know them well enough to know this game wasnt a good idea in their home and you all shouldve found somewhere for them to burn off steam. If they dont want them running around upstairs (fair enough) then they say to you "is it ok if the kids only run around in the garden". Personally, I wouldn't raise it this visit, I'd go to bed and then leave as soon as feasibly possible. My kids would be allowed that kind of game at my parents but not in a million years at my FiLs, he has shouted at my son before but luckily dh stepped in and said something. As a result we simply do not stay with FiL, he refuses to child proof and our children can't relax there, so neither can we as we constantly have to say "dont touch that, dont run, dont shout etc" he wont even let them watch tv or have electronics. We get an air bnb nearby and see him less than we see other people as its expensive.
I'd suggest leave it. Get home. Discuss a strategy with dh and then a joint call/video call or similar to discuss with them how you move forward. I'd be saying;
You can't shout at our children like that
You're welcome to set rules in your house and flag to us if they're not being adhered to, we will parent the children to stick to those rules now we know your boundaries
Alternatively if you don't feel comfortable having small children at the house we can stay elsewhere when visiting, or meet halfway
If that type of shouting happens again we will automatically not be able to visit again as its abusive behaviour and we wouldn't accept it from anyone, I also don't believe they'd speak to another human like that (e.g. an annoying call center worker or similar)
You're entitled to disagree with our perspective and parenting, but they're our children and that is how it is. It is also your house so we totally understand you may not wish us to stay under those stipulations.

See what they say, I honestly think some people totally forget what young children are like, they have silent houses with delicate stuff that they spend all their time cleaning and carefully curating. It's just not a good environment to have cooped up children in. Grandparents also sometimes slip into loco parentis because they feel they have a right to, it's hard to find a balance between - they're house they're rules and our children/our parenting. If they can't cope with that balance dont stay.

Anybody who doesn't make some attempt to childproof their house when small children visit is bloody stupid. I just wouldn't stay again, your children don't deserve this crap.

Op, you can make a mistake around supervision and still be upset that your children were screamed at in an extreme way. I wouldn't personally allow them visit again without you. I would say sorry we took our eye off the ball, I don't want the kids to experience shouting, in future we will stay in a rental and visit for short periods. It will make it easier for everyone.' What a horrible memory for your five year old.

they crashed in to and knocked over a baby gate while running around unsupervised in an unsafe house. Look after your kids. And be thankful you are dealing with people shouting rather than a hospital or undertaker.

You're not being treated as a nanny - you are their mum and so have a greater responsibility. Why is it all hands on deck ? They're your kids!

I think its really sad they hardly see the children and need to ‘extreme shout’ at them for running around. Grandparents usually have the most patience and I hope to be that grandparent. Its not like they are doing everyday childcare etc like alot of grandparents do.

Im all for discipline and having house rules but you dont need to shout in kids faces. You could perhaps forgive an exhausted parent who has worked every hour that week and it was the last straw. You stay once a year so if it was either set of our children’s grabdparents, at most they would have asked us to tell the children to stop running if it was too loud.

I would have a think if its the kind of home you want to stay in next time or maybe keep visits shorter. The kids are only going to get bigger and louder. Yes its important to respect rules and a home, but kids do run around from time to time and were probably extra excited not in their own home. My kids dont run around often at home but even as older kids, they do get excited staying away and are not always as calm as they would be at home. Sad that the kids will remember that part of their stay.

Did the grandparents do lots of fun things with them aswell?

You nailed it really. All I remember of one of my grandfathers is that he had a coin collection, had us over occasionally as children and we had to be invisible. I was around 7 when he passed and I don’t remember anything positive about him, which is really sad. We won’t be staying with my FIL again. They are highly educated people and barely got a word from me today before leaving so they know there’s a problem, but didn’t address it. I think there’s an obvious conclusion,

i wouldn’t dream of not being physically next to my two year old in someone else’s house, but he can be pretty destructive at times. My previous thread where he was shouted at might be of interest to you! https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5305276-aibu-to-think-you-dont-shout-at-other-peoples-children

i wouldn’t say anything now, but next invite don’t stay in the home. Get your husband to tell his dad that you’re staying in an air bnb and can meet up there, as they both clearly got very stressed out by having young kids in their home last time.

I would pack up my children and leave. Immediately.

If you are going to stay at someone else’s house you have to live by their rules. I’ve always found it much easier to stay in a nearby hotel or airBnb. It’s too stressful trying to watch your children’s every move and noise just to comply with being a good guest in somebody else’s home. Perhaps it may even be easier to invite them to yours most of the time, while the children are still young.
I agree they shouldn’t have shouted at your kids, and should have asked you to deal with it, but they are from a generation where that was the norm. You can’t change them and what they have learned ver the years, but you can change how you manage the situation for next time.

They both stood there like deer in headlights? But they didn’t cry or get upset? You’re more annoyed about this than the kids. They probably behaved after that and got over it whereas you’re the one dragging it on. How loud was the shouting? We’ve only got your word on it here but people’s descriptions and levels of shouting differ. Id possibly describe it as the kids got given out to by the grandparents but you’re explaining it almost as a full on top of the lungs roaring session. People can have sensory issues and the running round screaming from small kids likely pushes them over the edge as it mostly likely wasn’t the first incident. It can be extremely annoying when parents just sit back allowing their kids to run wild and do/say nothing because they think “they’re only kids”. I’m sorry but this is 100% on you and your husband by the sounds of it and I don’t believe it was the first time the kids were allowed to run round being chaotic while staying there either. If your husband has stayed there alone with them before he’s either giving them iPads to prevent it happening or he’s been stern with them when you’re not around, I think you mentioned in the OP that you don’t gentle parent, are you sure about that? Because by the sounds of it you are.

Now you know never to stay with them again.
Send your husband to visit on his own.
Men like him that are desperate for approval are too weak to protect their own wives and children.
Tell him to visit on his own, but your children will not be staying there again.

I’d say they’ll be delighted not to see you going forward. Your lack of insight is startling.

If I'd gave been running around knocking things over my parents or grandparents would have screamed at me too. I couldn't imagine my parents doing it with my DC now, but I don't think they've been in a position where the children have been misbehaving and its not being dealt with by me or DH.
You shouldn't have allowed your young children to be running around upstairs. If the home isn't suitable for them, you should not be staying there for long periods. I don't think it's worth saying anything to grandparents, you don't agree with the shouting, they don't agree with children running riot in their home. Just take it as a lesson learned that staying there with your DC doesn't work.

You should have been parenting your children. 🤷‍♀️

Obviously they should not have shouted at your dc op. They may have been raised like that but times have changed.

But I think it’s unacceptable to let your children run around and dive in and out of bedrooms that aren’t theirs.

I have been in a situation where a sibling visited and didn’t supervise their dc effectively, or do anything really, and I have had to really breathe and hold my tongue because of what they were allowing the children to do.

On the other hand it’s hellish trying to entertain young energetic dc when you are far away from home and the weather is inclement.

Your in laws have opened up their home to you all and you haven’t had to pay out for a hotel. And it can be quite demanding being around the energy levels of young dc when you are not used to it!

And you have made the effort to travel with young dc which is usually very stressful.

My point is, there is give and take on both sides necessary here.

GPs were definitely wrong to shout and they should apologise and promise never to do that in future. But a small acknowledgment from your side that your dc had got a bit feral probably wouldn’t go amiss either. This is real family life op, Communicate calmly and clearly about it and in a reasonable manner. You can make it clear that you don’t want them shouting at your dc while remaining polite.

I think one (obviously one of many) reason why you need to keep small children safe and under control is that you only have so much control over how other people will react if they misbehave. You can't guarantee that other people will be on the same page as you with this and chances are that people who aren't recent parents won't have the wanky parenting advice blogs aimed at them by their internet algorithms.

Ask them not to shout at your children but leave out the bit about not being around them if they do it again. Perhaps you could arrange that your next visit is a bit shorter-easier for you and your kids!

I think they just snapped. They're not used to the children and the noise and chaos got too much. Say nothing and make plans to stay somewhere else next time