Yet another in laws one

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Backstory: I get on fine with my FIL and Step MIL. We’re not close, but we’ve never fallen out or disagreed, perfectly fine surface level relationship. DH has never been very close to his dad due to childhood absences and the divorce, but he desperately wants his approval.

Story: visiting in laws, staying with them for a few nights. Children (2 and 5) were running around upstairs. They’re bored stiff here, and we’re trying to limit iPads. It’s snowing and not easy to get them outside. It’s not a kid friendly house. Lots of breakable expensive things. There was a crash upstairs (just a baby gate fell over). FIL started shouting loudly at children to get off the stairs and stop what they were doing. Step MIL then followed on with extreme shouting to the point I grabbed the youngest and walked upstairs away from her. We’re not into gentle parenting, we do discipline our children, we do not however scream loudly in their faces for prolonged periods. And i’d never do it to another persons child. They see the children 1-3 times a year. Dh knows I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to them yet and we leave tomorrow anyway.

AIBU if they approach me about it to say to them “I understand this is your house, but you are not to shout at my children. If you do that again, you will not be around my children”.

Im also trying to make things not awkward for my DH who is now trying to placate everyone. I just want out of here now. DH said that “this was how he was raised” and it feels horrible knowing that. I’ve never heard them raising voices before but they truly went at my children.

I don't tell my DGC off if their parents are there, I do believe it's their job. And they always have

If they're not there then obviously I do but I don't think, although I've raised my voice, I've ever shouted in their faces. Why would you do that?

Does the stepmother have children herself?

There isn't anything to suggest they haven't already done that.
All we know is that the kids are bored. This could be managed better by the adults looking at what they could do.
Like I said my in laws are a bit like this and have lots of china in window sills and easy to reach places. They also have a habit of getting out toys from DHs childhood which are in poor condition. This is why I would take my own toys when they were younger and wanted to play with things like this but also why I would plan in advance days out.
Before the trip DH and yourself could have looked at what to do in the area and made suggestions for your visit. Wouldn't it be nice to take the children to the zoo? How about going bowling one afternoon? Shall we bring our swimming costumes and book a session at the local pool?
You say DH doesn't have a good relationship with his dad - maybe his dad isn't good with children and maybe the in-laws need more guidance for what to do when you visit.

I think they went a bit OTT at shouting so badly.However older people arent used to small DC .And a 2 and 5 year old running around unsupervised, would be difficult for most people I think.If you can get to the soft play centre today, it will help them to burn off some energy! TBH I think you are half to blame as well although they shouldnt have shouted so badly.

Both of you have valid concerns. Your in-laws for worrying about their possessions being broken and not being used to little children so perhaps were at the end of their tether. And you for worrying that your children were screamed at by their grandparents simply for acting like little children.

My own view is that grandparents should always be kind and lovely. My grandparents didnt raise their voice to me once. My parents did frequently because their job was to parent me. My own in-laws never tell off my children and they are greatly loved. My mother does tell off my children even though she sees them only once a year and it's jarring. It's not her place. Shes their granny, not their mother. If my children were playing up in her house it would be my job to discipline them.

It's just shouting 🤷. Sometimes kids need to be shouted at.

Go home.

It’s up to all four of you to occupy the children. When my AC visit they parent their children but we’re quite blasé about possessions in our house. We know they’ll be skipped when we fall off our perches and had “precious” in-laws when ours were young which caused conflict like yours. DH’s family refused to remove anything they didn’t want touched so I feel your frustration.
Tbh your children should have been downstairs whilst running around, not on a separate floor, for their own safety.
Instead of this tension, why not use today to show your FiL and stepMiL how you do parent in their house (being on holiday does not mean you’re off duty) so that future visits run smoothly?
They were wrong to shout but must have reached the end of their tether. All
must see it from each other’s point of view and formulate a strategy to move on.

@Moonnstarz I think you missed the part about snow

Op literally said that there are breakables everywhere.

To make ops life easier the in laws could have packed their breakables away, given the young ages of the children.

Op hasn’t specifically said that the in-laws didn’t play with the children but she has said they were very bored and nothing for them to do.

I wouldn’t go again. It sounds terrible.

Ah thanks yes I did miss that! Though have they not gone out to play in it?
Mine would absolutely love that (we live where it never snows) so taking them out for a snowy walk and to make a snow man would be a treat!

I don't think the FIL and MIL were friendly or reasonable at all.

But you cannot expect to allow kids to play unsupervised in a home that isn't set up for small kids. If you are referring to my home as being unfriendly, I literally just spokke to my brother who said it was the most relaxing Christmas ever! Yes one of us kept an eye on the kids at all times but it was all hands on deck so myself, my DP etc all took turns

To be fair . Like most elderly people who don't had kids around often , they are intolerant to noise. Chances are they were sitting down stairs getting more and more stressed listening to the kids thunder around upstairs waiting for you to step in and address it which you didn't . The loud unknown crash probably sent them over the edge and thy over reacted .
I personally wouldn't fall out over this. I'd use it for a life lesson about how they can and can't behave in other peoples homes especially those without small children . 🤷🏻

@Whyherewego well yes all hands to the decks
No one should expect mum to be on guard In a strange home with nothing to occupy children at all and precious things everywhere.

Fil shouted at them to get off the stairs
Yes he was wrong to shout but they were playing on stairs and had knocked the gate over so potentially could have been a lot more serious. Maybe it gave him a fright and that's why he shouted. Young children need supervision

The children should not have been darting in and out of rooms. I don't really know why none of the 4 adults told them to stop. (I do not hold to the "nobody must speak to my children" bollocks. If they are in my house and the parents aren't stopping them, i will)

That aside. It is not acceptable to scream at children in their faces. (i get it if you are shouting at them for trying to run under a bus and you are shocked, that is it)

And i would be telling the in-laws that it was unacceptable and is not to happen again. (check before your next visit that you have enough to occupy them, weather sensible clothes, and that there is a hotel nearby where you could go to if it isn't working out at the inlaws).

Good luck

yes but "nanny to the children"? her own children?

and why the heck weren't the kids out playing in the snow????

I was about to write the same thing.

Survive until leaving time. And don’t visit again for a long time. You aren’t going to change their opinion by talking to them

@Brefugee yes treated as a nanny if she is in a house of four adults and no one but her is expected to watch the children non stop.

That's being used as a nanny in this situation not as a valid adult person who may also like to have some adult conversation and a break

In which case op being there and the Dc are redundant.

not a nanny - the parent of her own children. And if the other parent doesn't step up? she presumably has a tongue in her head?

Exactly, the way people carry on about shouting on here, you'd think someone has cut a child's arm off or something

It’s not just about putting a few niknaks away if a 2 year old is going to be left on their own like that you would need to check furniture such as chest of drawers are secured to walls properly incase children climbed them and it fell on them, have to go right through any bathrooms to check all medication, bleach, bathroom cleaning products are out of reach, put cabinet locks on bedside tables, make sure baby gates are properly secured to the wall (which it obviously wasn’t if it fell over) etc that is a ridiculous amount of work for a couple of days, much easier for parents to properly supervise them and when they want a break to use electronics. If we ever went anywhere when our child was small we expected to do the work/supervise them/provide toys.

Sorry delayed response here. A few responses:

• it was night time (right before bed) and they had been playing outside and at a center during the day.
• Step MIL does not have children so isn’t used to this.
• They ask us to visit them but will literally come to our area, drive past our house, and not stop in. In the time the children have been alive FIL has visited twice and step MIL no times. We had an expiring flight credit which was the only reason we asked if they wanted to see us, and at the time they seemed delighted.
• I agree I should have cut off their game. It quickly escalated from quite harmless play to what it did.
• I wouldn’t bring my youngest to visit them again until he’s old enough to express himself fully.
• if here again I’d 100% stay at a hotel.
• step MIL is the one I’m most annoyed at. FIL shouted first and I understood why, then he stopped and she started after it was all done, and really went at them. They both stood there like deer in headlights.
• everyone is pretending everything is fine today so I haven’t said anything but I’m not ok with it.

counting down the seconds till the plane

Presumaably your mother in law did not choose to be a parent and therefore has no interest in caring for or being around small children?

So its yourself you need to be most annoyed at, it sounds like she is trying to work along side your father in law to include you all but it is her house as well

No way. If the biological grandad has told them off you don't stick your oar in and start the shouting up again afterwards.

She might have thought she was backing him up? Who knows. She isnt a parent and just like theres no manual for parents there isnt any for her.

All that needs to be done is to help her know this, they've been told off, thats ok and enough theres no need for back up or follow up next time

But if the parents had been parenting them then there wouldnt have been this problem in the first place