AIBU to think we can’t profoundly change ourselves after middle age?

[wildfellhall]

Or to think it is impossible for most of us to really change our behaviour in later life ? And how do those who do so pull it off?

I disagree

I believe that every day there is an opportunity to learn something new

I believe that there are many opportunities to do new things, go to new places

However, there are some people who are content with the status quo
Or
Some people who are afraid of change

Personally, I am one of the people that enjoys change, exploring, learning

I know several people that have had multiple careers

I agree with those saying some things are easier to change than others.

You can definitely take up a new language, travel, recommit to your career, make new friends after middle-age, and many do once they get free from either family ties or hormones.

Personality traits are hard to change, as are emotional responses- although I do think some small shifts are possible if you work hard, or start up meditation or have therapy. Mainly, though, I think people tend to embed pretty much at this stage, and someone who wasn't empathic at 30 isn't going to suddenly become so at 50.

If you are with a grumpy middle-aged man who is set in his ways- it would all be down to his motivation to change. A few do, and take up a hobby/new friends/new career, but mostly they seem to bed in to that role.

For me in my late 50’s it’s now only about being happy, not pushing myself to any target just to get there.

My father died in October and, at 65, I’m finally feeling free from years of aged parental care.
I’m giving myself a year to sort all the finances/properties etc and then I am off!!

A woman I know worked in a factory until her late 40s, then the factory closed down. With the support of a government scheme (in Portugal), she finished school, studied law and opened her own law office. She's in her early 60s now, completely different, self-confident woman, she is and looks fabulous

You can do almost anything if you want it badly enough.

I became a parent at 56 completely unexpectedly and changed my life from being a singe pensioner

It is absolutely possible; see once I retired I have lost a stone, lift weights twice week, have learnt a musical instrument (grade 6), travelled the world, done a university course in history and archaeology and volunteered in new areas. My life is richer and I am fitter than when I was working, overweight, unfit and spending my life bringing up children. I am calmer, less stressed and happier. I am probably the same person underneath, I was always a kind and happy personality, but I am able to express myself better.

I had a baby at 46, so yeah, things are changing all the time. Started the career I always wanted at 48. I'm a late bloomer, good things come to those who wait and all that, feel like I'm only just getting started.

Cheers to anyone who's living the life they want, whatever age you are. We only get one, as far as I know, so do with it as you will, but don't blame anyone or anything, not even age, if you're not happy with it. It's all in your hands.

It depends on what formed your personality, or 'character'. Illness, accidents or medication can change our personality. If you've developed via a traumatic childhood, then violent relationship etc and because of that you have negative traits, impulsive behaviour, anger issues etc, you can change that. Research shows that Buddhist meditation can change our brains. Techniques can help us to change. Empathy can be learnt. We can learn how we are all connected, why rules etc are important.
If that wasn't the case we couldn't rehabilitate trafficked children, child soldiers, drug users, sex workers etc.

Well done you 🙌 ☺️
I loved reading all the stories here , so uplifting & encouraging.
What a really good thread .
Love It ❤️

I suppose what I’m saying is - we can change nurture. But we can’t change nature.

Can I ask whether you go to the gym or weights at home?

My life has since 37, has been plagued by poor health ( yes I left my ex husband and sons, having spent a decade trying to fix marriage), then severe menopause at 45, bad depression at 59, which I believe was Parkinson’s kicking in at 60 , diagnosed then.
Told probably had it 5 years, I’m jealous of the very able 60+ folk, it is what it is mid stage.
i aim to do what I can when and have no regrets

I think it's more about working with our nature. I've learnt be much more aware of irritation and acknowledge it and let it pass through me rather than surprise it and let it spike as anger later on. I recognise getting irritated by small stuff isn't ideal but it's part of my makeup so I have to work with it so it doesn't impact me beyond being a minor discomfort. Other people will have different challenges but accepting who you are and working with it rather than letting it limit you is certainly something I'm honing in my 4th decade

I’m 74 and I am still changing. I changed to a vegetarian diet 3 years ago. I have worked on changing the way I relate to people and with consistent practice it’s been effective. Since my husband died I have taught myself more practical skills. I just think you need to want to change things and be willing to put some effort in.

I agree with @DarkForces , we might not want to change some aspects of our nature, it’s who we are but if something isn’t serving us we can work to modify it. Mindfulness practice has made me less basically anxious. I naturally avoid conflict, I used to throw myself under a bus to avoid it but I have practiced setting boundaries while still being polite and it’s becoming how I naturally operate now.

If course you can change if you want to or have to
It's someone whose behaviour is nasty and they are happy with it even when it affects other people says they can't change what they mean is that they don't want to change, their behaviour gets them what they want, or they are just too lazy to change for the better

Wow, these replies are so great thank you!

well I’m over sixty and dealing with job loss (redundancy) and adjusting to quite painful arthritis in my hips (but not hip replacement level at this stage).

I need to get back to work but have lost so much confidence. The hip pain is making me feel extremely dispirited but I am starting to really accept it and tackle the exercise which helps.

Your posts are helping me think I need to keep positive. I’ve never had a lot of genuine self belief.

Please walk, it will do wonders for your state of mind. I have both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis and my hips would be very painful if I didn't walk. The recommendation is 3 or 4 miles at more than a dawdle but less than a march, 3 times a week.

God luck with the search for a new job and a new you!

Totally agree @Imdunfer.DH and I started doing 10K steps a day late last autumn and it’s great, we both feel much better. I had two foot operations last year and had to ease carefully back into exercise, walking is a great choice.

I've changed so much in the last 15 years. Absolutely we can. I expect to keep learning and changing until I die.

Yes! Of course you can! You change when a teenager to when you are in your twenties and then change again when you become parents or have a career!!! Fundamentally you are who you are but life pressures and circumstances determine your views and outlook on life

I am in my 50’s and am not the person I was when I was in my 30’s because my children are grown up and my day to day life is very different

People who don’t change are those that don’t want to and that’s fine but change is good!!!!!

I am researching new career options there’s always hope

There are some awesome examples on this thread. I'm stuck in a rut in my mid forties, despite being a big believer in our ability to change, and am very inspired by some of the posts on here. Thank you everyone for sharing and good luck OP - walking sounds like a great place to start. There's so much evidence about the mental health benefits of walking as well as the physical ones.

Of course you can. I just keep getting better with age. At 64 my career has never been better, I've moved cross country for a better life and made lots of friends. Ive lost the 5 stone thats been hanging around for 30 years and ironed out the worst of my personality flaws and had some therapy for that.
Women are better at this than men though.