AIBU to think we can’t profoundly change ourselves after middle age?

[wildfellhall]

Or to think it is impossible for most of us to really change our behaviour in later life ? And how do those who do so pull it off?

Of course you can change. I'm mid 40s and am far calmer and comfortable in my own mind and body than I've ever been and I've worked at it. I've changed careers and more than doubled my wage in the last 5 years and learnt new skills and technologies. I've lost 5-6 stone and completely changed my wardrobe too. I'm growing as a mum and partner as well as in myself. I've come a long way and am still looking to grow and learn more. If not now, when?

I'm autistic and middle aged, but I like to think I've bucked the trend. I went on a health kick in 2024, lost 3 stone, took up hybrid fitness training and have done 3 races, hoping to do my first Hyrox this year in a pair with a gym buddy.

I think what's harder when you get older is that old patterns are more entrenched and hold more of a pull. The couch still has a siren call, but I have to consciously not give in to it, and remind myself that's not who I am now.

You can - but you have to really, really want to. It requires motivation and self awareness. Often it’s prompted by a life event. It’s hard though so I understand where you’re coming from when you say it’s not possible, most people don’t have the wherewithal to do it.

I’m about to turn 51 and will graduate from my medical degree in June and start work as a doctor in August. I’ve lost seven stone and am far healthier than I was…and I look very different. This from struggling for 15 years as a skint single parent to two children. There are many obstacles to making huge changes in your life but I don’t feel like age is the biggest one.

I think this is nonsense. For a lot of people it’s the easiest time to do it as children may have heft home, or at least be much more independent, and you suddenly have loads of time to concentrate on yourself instead stuck in managing a home and kids lives, with patterns of behaviour you have developed to deal with all of that.

Imho op, very respectfully, you couldn’t be more wrong!

Once your young adult children leave home, it gives you a whole new lease of life. You now have all of this bandwidth to focus on yourself and this leads to profound changes ime. In fact I think it is one of the most dramatic life shifts that a woman can go through, judging from myself and my friends.

I’ve gone from being a pt sahm and pt sedentary freelancer in the city to an active lifestyle in the country raising animals where I am planning to set up a small business.

My closest friend has gone from being an sahm to being a commercial artist and now exhibits internationally.

Another friend has downsized dramatically and spends her life travelling solo.

Another friend had taken up deep sea diving with her husband,

One has joined a writing group and is trying to write a novel.

I could go on … .

At 49 I started a completely new career. Something I had never done before. I've progressed and now my life is massively different. I did it for extra security and to fulfil a personal goal which we now have and we are due to move this year into a home made possible by my career change. Every New Year I set my goals for the year (financial, personal, whatever) and they all involve some level of change.

This thread is totally inspiring. As someone driven almost to the brink of a breakdown by a horrible corporate job and desperately trying to remake my life in my 50s, this has given me so much hope and loads of respect for those of you who have relaunched yourself.

Rubbish. At 62 I have stopped smoking (after 50 years) and taken up weightlifting and learning the piano. I trained in a new career at 58.

If you want to believe you can't change that's up to you but your mind is the only think that's stopping you.

Yeah. I didn't go to uni until I was in my 40s, got a First, went on to do a Masters, worked in a research setting for a while, them trained to be a teacher in my 50s. Currently loving life.

You are wrong!

I started a business at age 40 after a decade of being a SAHM and now employ 40 people. It's been challenging at times and hard AF but I was very determined to do it and so I have. It only takes about 21 days for something to become a habit and so regardless of age, we can fall into habitual patterns very quickly - both good and bad.

My mum was a geriatric nurse for years. She always told me that whatever problematic personality quirks you had get worse when you're older, so its best to spot them and find ways to deal with them before you get old. In middle age we might notice these better (or our partner/family make us aware of them!) And I don't think thats too late to get counselling or therapy to work through ways of doing things differently. Your carers in later life will thank you!

Love this so much!

I had my first book published in my late forties, took up running in my mid fifties, lost four stone in my late fifties - not sure what else there is left of me to change, to be honest.

Absolutely possible. I am a vastly different person to who I was seven months ago. All it took was a messy breakup and self-reflection that followed. I had to relearn who I was after a long term relationship and decided that rather than doing that, I'd become someone I always wanted to be instead.

Menopause has been great. Am reinventing myself.

I think it's very difficult but it's certainly possible as I've done it

Put in a position where I'm married to, and by choice committed to, a man whose health issues have changed him physically and mentally, I've changed things about myself that I would have told you 5 years ago it wasn't possible to change.

It does, though, cause me a lot of stress and every now and then I have a meltdown.

And mine.

I think a lot of people do change quite profoundly in mid life - because you realise time is short and have had enough of living it on other people's terms, along with having gained more confidence in yourself over the years. Plus some people have more financial freedom.

I can think of quite a few people who've made dramatic changes in their 50s, 60s and even 70s.

The potential for change is different to the sort of endless possibilities privileged young adults have, but I don't think it's any less rich - arguably it's more layered.

Op, I do believe we can change, and for the better. I've made some significant postive changes and I know a number of other people who have changed their lives, some are close friends and family and I'm very proud of them and all they've achieved.

Depends on the risks associated with not making the changes I guess, and whether you care enough about the risk or whether they’ll impact greatly enough to (probably) scare you into making the changes.

I disagree:

in my late 40s/early 50s I became more confident, started exercising regularly and took on new activities like pilates, running and horseriding, moved to a new town by the sea, cut toxic relatives out of my life, bought my first house on my own and stopped worrying about what people think of me. I also ditched my toxic employer after 3 years of misery and got them to give me a financial settlement.

It is never too late to make positive changes.

It depends what you call profund change. I don't think people can change their core personality, but sometimes people behave in certain ways because of external factors or circumtances that can change. I also believe that people evolve naturally.

I have learnt French to A level standard in my 60s. Though I did do French O level 50 years ago. The real challenge might be to learn a language that I didn't do at school, like Spanish.

That’s amazing, well done to you and good luck with your new career.