AIBU to think we can’t profoundly change ourselves after middle age?

[wildfellhall]

Or to think it is impossible for most of us to really change our behaviour in later life ? And how do those who do so pull it off?

Most are commenting about changing their lifestyles. I think changing who you are is harder, as requires a lot of inner work and self reflection to really understand our patterns etc. Harder but doable

Jo Moseley is a brilliant and inspiring example of someone changing profoundly later on in life.
https://www.instagram.com/jomoseley/?hl=en

I have changed a lot since my partner died when I was 47. For the better. I am healthily, happier, have lots of friends and left a job I hated. The menopause aged 54 has really been positive for me too.

Thank you
I’m 55 and loving it x

For me, changing who I was came as a consequence of changing my lifestyle. My confidence has increased exponentially and I’m so much happier than I’ve ever been. I’d pigeonholed myself into thinking I was one type of person and now I realise, I contain multitudes.

Of course you can. I think it's actually easier in middle age than when younger because giving no fucks is much easier.

I think mid life is the perfect time for a change. I am 47 and have changed my life hugely in the last 5 years. Children growing up has made a large difference and given me time to explore what I want. Hopefully I will continue to grow and change. I think it is good for us all to do so through our lives.

Research suggests that your personality changes every 7 years, throughout life.

Ive been through an absolute crucible of a life experience in my late 40s and come out the other side a very different person. Older, wiser and a lot more grown up. Ultimately more at peace with myself so its a positive change on balance, but one I didn't ask for or pursue. Absolutely we can change later in life, particularly as a response to trauma or adversity.

I took up weights late 50s. I know people who gave up drink. A friend of mine emigrated. Of course you can change things in later life.

@Pebbles16 🤣 I agree, it’s so much easier not to give a shit when you’re middle-aged, you genuinely don’t care what other people think.

More grown up! That’s exactly how I feel.

I spent my forties caring for sick relatives and in my fifties I began to care for myself. I took up exercise classes and met many new friends and ran the London marathon twice , once when I was 54 and again when I was 65. I still run and exercise and find each day inspiring and something to look forward to. I have finally been able to get into the great north run after 5 years of trying so the next few months I’ll be out running again. I feel the fifties were the start of the rest of my life and they have to count

Can I ask what trade you learnt? And whether it was from scratch or if you had some experience?

Also, what about those who find the strength to leave a bad relationship after several years?
They start anew, brilliant!

I changed my life massive in my fifties. Change is absolutely possible.

We can change our behaviours - of course we’re always responsible for our behaviour - nothing changes if nothing changes, etc.

But we can’t change our personalities and character. We’re stuck with those 😂

I completely agree - I’ve changed SO much since I was a shy, introverted 18 yo who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I.e. massive, sustained changes to my personality not just a change of career/ becoming sporty (those are cool too!).

Totally disagree. I’m 66, gave up drinking in my late 40’s and have changed from an arrogant hard hearted person to a humble caring person. Went from a very Senior hard nosed manager in an Investment bank to a full time carer for my husband. I also know many people who have continued to grow and developed well into old age. It’s down to attitude and willingness to change.

Of course you can change yourself! It took me years to come to terms with a terrible childhood - parental alcoholism, poverty, violence and abuse. I was a self loathing young woman on the way to alcoholism myself. I woke up, stopped drinking and started running marathons in my 40s, got married and started to work hard and do well in my career. Got big promotions in my 50s, the most recent at 59. Left and started my own business last year, age 63. So now I’ve changed myself into an entrepreneur! This isn’t a smug ‘I’m so happy’ story - just be a I’m sober doesn’t mean I’m now in la la land. I still struggle with myself, I’m not very happy right now and I find it hard not to fall into feeling inferior, lonely and self-hating sometimes but it’s my choice not to give in to those negative thoughts or to try to make them go away with drink. They are not going to win because I’m in charge. It’s really hard work but yes you can change.

Anything is possible, no matter what age you are. Only you can keep you back.

It depends.

Jobs, driving, holidays, exercise, diet, study - all possible to radically overhaul.

Being abusive, manipulative, coercive, violent, long long long term drug abuser/alcoholic with all the manipulation/coercion/abuse inherent in that? Nope.

Being sexually aggressive, with unpleasant or illegal preferences? Never in a million years.

So are you thinking it's too late for you to learn to skydive - or are you being told by a fundamentally horrible person that they've changed/will change if you carry on accepting their wants, needs and temper have to be served and don't divorce them?

If it's the former, go and book it. If it's the latter, no, they can't change, they won't change, they don't want to change, they will never change, so don't waver.

No, not at all, you just have to want to badly enough. I'm early sixties, and in the last few years I've started painting, card making, daily exercise, and completely overhauled what i eat to really healthy. As I've gotten older I've become more confident, and I say no more often, if I don't want to do something. I want to spend my later years doing what makes me happy. Also, after having survived cancer, I don't put up with nonsense anymore.

I think it's certainly hard to change very suddenly, and any big change is usually a reaction to something.

I'm.ASD, grew up an awful procrastinator, demand avoidant, struggled in jobs etc.despite objectively being fairly privileged and bright. Didn't really lock into a career path before kids.

After having two children back to back I realised how little time I had to actually achieve my ambitions and realised that the person I was couldn't get there (and noone was going to hand it to me). At 34 and still breast feeding, I taught myself a new piece of technical software which led to building a decent portfolio. That allowed me to get a job with a big name in my industry. I was only there a year but afterwards went freelance.

With the threat of having to get a 'real' job I was motivated to chase new clients (I cold called them!! ). That side hustle has become a real earning business and is growing every year after 3/4 years.

On top of that. 2 years ago I joined a writing group and now I'm working on my second novel of a trilogy.

This year's project is to exercise my lazy creaking body and get in shape. Signed on to a gym on the 1st Jan. Second visit was this morning!!!

Sadly think one group - angry, abusive men -very rarely change, even if they do specialist counselling (regular and couples only makes them feel more justified)