AIBU to think we can’t profoundly change ourselves after middle age?

[wildfellhall]

Or to think it is impossible for most of us to really change our behaviour in later life ? And how do those who do so pull it off?

I honestly don't think it's possible at any time after about age 18.

I was brought up (born in 1950) "never,say never" and "there's no such thing as can't, can't means won't". Some fabulous, inspiring stories on here. I learned to ride,did full contact karate,watched the Karate Kid,boy did it hurt! Learned to swim. The karate also meant learning a bit of Japanese.

At 56, I'm unrecognisable from the person I was at 48. I was a miserable, anxious, short tempered couch potato, who ate junk, drank, had very little interests outside of the TV, and would never step out of my comfort zone.
I'm now a fit as a fiddle teetotal vegan who will try anything once, loves the outdoors, reads extensively, seeks out cultural experiences and is as calm and happy as a clam.
It started with a health kick in lock down and has just gone on from there.

I strongly disagree. I have seen people make big changes during and after middle age. People change abusive patterns, people gain qualifications for a career change, people get over addictions. It's never too late.

I changed my relationship with food in my 50s and have lost 7 stone along the way and took up the gym at 67 and go almost every day.

"It ain’t over till it’s over, OP." @BlueEyedBogWitch

This!

My friend celebrated getting her PhD when she was 70.

MNers and maybe British people in general or maybe the English-speaking world in general, the loudest voices are the most negative.

Take away the negative thinking and every day has new opportunities.

I will say... I think first episode of parenthood after 40 or marriage after 50, I have seen mostly a lot of stress, people are so settled into their ways, big shocks to learn those new relatoinships. And yet... I know some fantastic invested flexible compassionate fun parents or partners who defy my rule of thumb.

Choices continue all your life.

I honestly believe if you really want to change, and are prepared to put a bit of graft in, then you can.
Ten years ago I was a bit overweight, not physically active, and had nothing at all just "for me" There was just working, and housework. Unexpectedly, I was unwell for a period of weeks, and gave myself a kick up the backside after seeing a man running whilst I was having a walk.

I decided to have a go at running, and suddenly discovered something I loved. That spiralled into generally taking better care of myself, getting out more, and making friends. I don't recognise 46 year old me at all, she wasn't happy amd I'm glad I gave her a better life!
It's benefited DH and the kids as well because I'm happier and healthier 😁
It wasn't an overnight thing though, and it only happened because I really wanted it and worked hard to make it happen.

100% you can change your behaviour. So long as you are mentally and physically capable anyone can apply persistence, willpower and commitment in any area of their life. I hate it when people write themselves off. I'm always learning new hobbies and skills and developing as a person and hope i always will be.

I think I can. For example you might have more time or money to do things. Health wise I think it gets harder - that's because what you did 10-5-3 years ago shapes the health you have now. But best time to start is always now.

I believe other people don't change though 🤣 That comes from hard won lessons of trying to help people.

I try and embrace change as much as I can at 58. I’ve just relaunched my business which has required a lot of learning. I am now a very regular gym goer and do Strength training. This has changed my life as I have been able to significantly reduce the knee pain I was experiencing. I try to always say “yes” to any invite to something new or interesting. Change is scary but essential to being human I think.

I think so, but it’s a choice. I’m mid-40s and just finished writing my first book for a major academic publisher; I’m educated to doctoral level in the humanities but, whilst I love being an academic (non-teaching), research is poorly funded and contracts mostly temporary.

I needed something that would occupy my brain, earn me money and provide me with a good pension, in a field where I can put my nurturing instinct to good use. So a year ago I began a degree in an entirely different field (BSc).

I’ve also lost nearly 5 stone and am about to start running again.

It’s taken a fuckton of self-reflection. But we’re here for a good time, not a long time. I’m not going to waste the second part of my life sat on a sofa watching Loose Women, like my mother does/did.

One of my SIL’s (58) got her Ph.D five years ago!

I think you can change. I am more confident, things or people that used to bother me just glance off. I am harder, I am stronger mentally. I no longer follow the herd. I am fitter. I dress how I really want to dress, I used to want to blend in. I now think I can do anything and handle everything. All this came at middle age.

I have transformed in my forties - went to counselling, have shifted from a reactive person to a much calmer, more relaxed fun person and have retired the self critical voice in my head. This alone has had knock on effect in many other parts of my life!

My dad gave up smoking
he just decided to stop
I presume it was a challenge

I think perhaps it’s easier to change when a little older / greater self awareness perhaps ?

Oh dear.

I think post-middle age gives you the freedom and confidence to try out new things, think differently with wider life experience and often less responsibility. Many people are constrained and defined by work, careers, parenting and looking after elderly relatives. As these stop being parts of our lives, we can become the person we were always meant to be - the young version of people is not the finished product that degrades as we get older, is the prototype that we add to, refine and develop as we get older.

Love your definition @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads(and your name!)

This is a great thread. So inspired by big career changes in 50s + as want to do similar. You can definitely change - stat with something small even but make it every day - so a new habit - or drop a bad one. Going from a drinker to non drinker or lazy to active - It's doable. You pull it off mainly by getting so sick of feeling stuck in a rut change is easier than staying the same.

🤣

I have always loved this quote from The Golden Girls:
'My mother used to say, 'The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.'

Only if you are fixed mindset, for anyone who’s got a growth mindset, age doesn’t stop you from learning, growing and changing

I’m nothing like the person I was at 18. I was a mere child back then! I’ve changed beyond recognition post-menopause. I used to be an anxious, people-pleasing doormat all my life. Now I say “No” without a second’s thought. I put myself first most of the time, instead of always being last.

I so wish I hadn’t left it so long!

I spent my whole life as a people pleaser until I was 60 when I had an epiphany and decided that never again would I let people take advantage of my desire to make everything ok for everyone. I'm not nasty now but Im trying to have more boundaries.