I Hate Living Alone

[Beelineshmeeline]

I split from DH in July and he moved out after I found out about cheating, we have DC who is 6 and has disabilities. I'm struggling so much, the split was out of the blue and I have no idea how to get on with things.
But everyone keeps saying to me how nice it must be to live alone and get all this quiet time when DC isn't here or when they're in bed or at school, but I don't get it. I hate it. I've taken to having Alexas in almost every room to have the radio on because I can't bare the silence. When DC goes to bed or to my ex, I feel so lost. People come round to keep me company but then I dread them leaving. I hate coming home from work to an empty house, going to be alone, waking up alone, eating alone, watching TV alone.

I know it's early days, especially when we were together for 20 years and lived together for 18, but I don't want to be alone. I'm obviously nowhere near ready for another reactionship. But I never wanted to be on my own. I can't take a roommate in with DC. I even tried going to the pub alone and a local weight loss group yesterday, but again, I came home and felt more lonely than ever.

Does anyone just hate living alone? Or does the good come when I'm less of a heartbroken wreck?

Totally agree with this - I have friends who think it must be wonderful to have so much time alone, but it's the ones who have never lived alone, or live really near family and pop in every other day. Pets do help, but they're not humans. Groups help but sometimes you're just exhausted (or unwell) and you have to weigh up whether you need company or rest more. Sometimes you just want to sit in silence with someone, or watch a TV programme together or for someone else to bring you a cuppa.

However... I've lived alone at various times in life (currently for coming up on six years) and while it isn't my preference, it is so much better than what I left - a terrible relationship. I try to remind myself of that when I get down about it.

It's not being alone that's the problem, it's the fact you're grieving your relationship.

I'd seek some counselling to help you with the latter.

A few evenings alone is great! You can watch / eat / do whatever you want. I spend my evenings alone catching up on my Etsy shop and on my hobbies. I do a lot of crafts.

Mostly I love my alone time because I can be completely selfish and focus only on me.

I see these posts periodically so I’ll say what I always say having been through similar.

Let yourself feel lonely. Just feel it. Don’t stifle it or distract yourself with friends etc.

You will get through the other side of this, get comfortable in your own company and start to enjoy it.

It’s important to do this, it means your boundaries will be strong and you will never compromise your space for a shit relationship because you don’t need the company.

It must be very tough right now. But as you said, you’re missing your ex partner and coping with the shock of him leaving. I was in the same position as you many years ago (no children). I left so low and coming back to an empty, silent house was soul destroying. I now live by myself out of choice, and I love it. I’m sure they’ll come a time when you’ll relish a day at home by yourself. But in the meantime try to keep busy, feel the house with music and break the day into chunks. Getting a rescue cat is a good idea,
not a dog (amazing but much harder work than people think). Take care of yourself.

Excellent advice!

I've been where you are many years ago. To begin with you are dealing with shock and upset, worries about your DC, and the breakdown of the family unit-how that will affect your child.
I was also dealing with disgusting, abusive manipulative behaviour at every turn. My DC were 2 & 1 at the time. Remember this; nothing stays the same for ever, good, or bad. It just can't. So the positives were, I changed career, being an animal lover I rescued a cat, then we got a dog, I co-parented the best I could for the sake of the DC, who are now both through Uni, in emotionally stable relationships and on the way to having successful careers. I kept the radio on day and night, kept up with old friends, and made new ones but that takes time and came with the career change. I remarried but that didn't work for very different reasons and we remain good friends-but living alone with my two dogs is where I've found my peace. I absolutely love it and will never share my home with anyone ever again. Wishing you all the happiness moving forward OP-things do get easier.

Hobbies. Whether that’s a dog, cat, painting, listening to audiobooks etc. When I’m absorbed in my hobbies I forget everything else. But give yourself time to adjust and get used to your new situation before you can figure out what YOU want!

OP, can you pinpoint exactly what it is about living alone that you don't like? Because those of us who enjoy being alone do find it hard to understand.

You don't have to explain yourself to this person OP. Anyone with a shred of decency knows what you mean.

So sorry for what you're going through. My mum was the same after dad left for much younger woman. She was utterly devastated and terrified alone. It got better but you need lots of time to heal.

People saying you must be enjoying the alone time have obviously never had their lives turned upside down ffs. Mum always described it as a bereavement of the person she married, while this awful version of him was nearby humiliating her.

Mum eventually built a whole new life and community through her church and genuinely ended up very happy with her peace.

Short term, agree with others that a pet could help, gentle group/hobby activities such as walking and perhaps some counselling?

I think this is so true, with wise suggestions that also worked for me. You’re possibly feeling a bit of a failure OP - I did- plus it doesn’t help that culturally, coupledom tends to be presented as the ideal. So give yourself plenty of time to adjust.

Your home is your refuge and as you found out, there is great loneliness in an unhappy relationship. It’s worth taking time to make it a space that is comforting and welcoming to you.

In the end, we are all alone.

I promise you it will get easier, I think your lonely and sad, well done for going out on your own and making an effort, this feeling won’t last, I have in the passed volunteered at a charity shop, you could do every other Saturday, it will get to chatting to people and getting to know them. Do you think you need to talk to a Dr could you be depressed? Which with such be changes could be possible. I hope things will get easier for you and I’m sure they will.

I would try to organise regular social activities for the nights your son isn't in. Some kind of club or just regularly seeing friends.

I am sorry you're facing this, as others have said, it will get better but it does take some time. I found when I was abandoned in a similar way that changing my routine in very small ways made a significant difference.

The DH who left me and I had had cups of tea together for years and years, so I swapped to making fresh coffee every morning for myself. It was a small change but it marked a new version of life. I did this in other ways as well. It doesn't have to break the bank or be earth shattering.

I also agree it is grief and part of coming to terms with that is acknowledging the pain you feel and how it may stay, even as a remnant, forever. Acceptance of circumstances is key.

I hate living alone too.

As someone who's lived alone for over 20 years, I love that.

ETA I initially ran away from it - a lot of socialising and holidays. I'm happy by myself now, but the grieving takes time.

I’ve been a single parent for years and it does get easier. Always have the radio on too and try and get out of the house at least once a day.

I live alone very much by choice and have done most of my adult life, but tiny things I do which I think might help you a little bit:

• lights at least downstairs on smart plugs so they can either come on before you get in, or I tell my watch to switch them on as I unlock the front door. So much nicer not getting in to the dark.

• heated throw for sofa and heated under blanket for bed - more luxurious and comforting than I expected

• Giant squishmallow for hugging harder than I can hug the cats, if I need to

• when I had a 9-5 job I timed heating to come on just before I got in in winter, so house was not dark and cold. I'm now self employed and have zero routine but house is usually warmer than my studio so kind of has the same effect!

• wireless earbuds so I can listen to whatever I want, at any daft time of the day or night, without disturbing my neighbour through our connecting and not very thick walls. Sometimes I like silence, sometimes I want music, and sometimes I just want to hear voices so stick a podcast on.

I'm not much help otherwise because I hate sharing my space & life, but I have found these little things make living by myself much nicer so I hope they help a bit 💙

Would you consider taking in a lodger? Adult DS has his own flat and has a lodger. He offers a very good rate which means he gets a lot of applicants and can choose someone he gets on well with. His last two have been great - a lovely ambulance man and a man who works in the West End and gives DS free tickets. They have all become friends. You can specify age and sex, and maybe look for a woman who is at a similar life stage to you.

You could also create a self-development plan for the days DS is at his dad's. Find a really interesting adult ed class and a good fitness class, and book to meet with a friend afterwards, then you will be tired enough to just want a shower and bed when you get home. Use the quiet mornings for journalling and meditation. It's so lovely to get used to being alone and enjoying your own company, once you get over the initial change.

And get a cat!

I think you should join a nice gym and go to swim or sauna on your nights ofd

I do understand this, I work alone, live alone & my family do not make that much effort. I know that I need a new job to see more people however that isn't always the case either. (Left my job once to go with in a well known supermarket who banned staff from speaking as talking wasted time!)
It is very lonely
To try to stop going quite mad?
On the days when DC is at dad's try to pick up a hobby, exercise classes or boardgames groups...granted I do that& there's little conversation there either. Go to the cinema, join a club any club.
Don't go to the bloody pub! I used to so that when I was 18, I was the weird oddball that sat in the corner Billy no mates it was awful.
I've few bits of advice, right now it's zero degrees so there's not a whole lot of places anybody wants to go but once spring comes try to get out and go for a walk, join groups, try out new things.
Making friends is hard. I guess you have friends but they don't stay full time. You will adjust in time. I've always lived alone (spent 2 years with my brother but we were passing ships in the night).
Anyway I will stop rambling on

@Beelineshmeeline you get used to it. Sorry.

Check out ambiguous grief, where there is a loss but no conclusion such as a funeral where there is loss is equally shared/experienced. Refers to divorce, family estrangement. The principle is the person gives themselves time to come to terms with the loss and life upheaval. Hold your nerve @Beelineshmeeline you will adjust. Humans have been wired to do this.

Are there any charities you could volunteer for when your DC is with your ex? It’s sociable, worthwhile and increases your network of contacts where you may make new friends. Also going to the gym? Or a hobby group locally ? You are grieving the loss of your old life and your imagined future but you will adjust. Just be kind to yourself as it takes time.

I've lived alone for years so don't mind that, I just miss work colleagues or those close sort of friendships others seem to have but I lack. Living alone, I'd be embarrassed to have somebody round as the place is a tip!