DH told me “there’s no point in crying” after seizure

[Likelysmike]

I’ve had repeated seizures over the last 2 weeks. I’ve never had them before and I’m frightened.

i was in hospital for 2 days just before Christmas but wanted to go and see my mum on Christmas Eve. When I got there I was crying and he said “what’s the point in crying?” In front of my family.

I had another seizure Christmas Day and he told me that I just needed fresh air and to eat something and that I needed to “want” to get well

Had a further seizure 29th December and was in A&E. I was sitting there sobbing whilst he was on his phone. When he saw me he said “what are you crying for?” When I said I didn’t feel well he said “there’s no point in crying” and “stay positive”

hes just said his “life has been on pause for 2 weeks because of your illness”. Then he was saying he’s not allowed to be tired or complain about his cold because my seizures “are the main talking point”. He said “the world doesn’t stop because you might have epilepsy”

aibu to reconsider my marriage? Am I being OTT or is this entirely heartless from DH?

You deserve so much better than this mean arsehole.
When men behave like this when their partner is ill, it just proves that they view their partner as personnel, or as some kind of appliance or service provider. When their staff/appliance is faulty, it's just an inconvenience to them. They want you to just snap out of it and resume normal service. I'm sure they tell themselves it's just that they want you to get better. But it's not fof your sake, it's for theirs. Disgusting attitude.

I've only read your posts OP, so PP's have probably said this - possible epilepsy aside, please fast forward to a time when you may find yourself very vulnerable due to any number of mental, emotional, or physical conditions. Or frail and doddery or confused in old age. There appears to be a very high chance that your DH could be emotionally or physically abusive in these situations,and you could be trapped, due to vulnerability, in his "care".
He is appallingly selfish.
Also, fears aside, it is very normal to be exhausted, emotional and tearful after seizures, whether you are feeling self pity or not.
What an utter bastard.
Do not hide his behaviours from your families - he doesn't deserve it, and you deserve all of the support you can get.

Sending support OP. I was diagnosed with epilepsy later in life. It was a frightening and unsettling experience but all is good now. Your DH is behaving appallingly. A partner should be there to support and console you. I hope you have other more dependable people in your life.

And yes - two things that always happen to me after a seizure - I cry and I need sleep.

Well you know who the main character in your marriage is. He resents you for needing support and attention (it’s possible he’s scared too but if he is why is he being so dismissive) I’m not sure I could forgive him.

Incidentally you’re not a big drinker are you? As alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures.
Exited to say I’m sure if you drink a lot you will have been told that so possibly unnecessary. Hope you get sorted and feel better soon.

Ffs, he’s a dick. Bet he’d want the fucking nurse act if he so much as broke a nail as well! You’ve seen him as he really is op. I’d be seeing a lawyer and making plans, this doesn’t bode well for the future as you both get older. PS I hope you get better soon, and kick this twat to the curb.

He said what? I wouldn't treat a stranger like this.

He sees you as a convenience for his life. You being unwell is an inconvenience.

My ex once said that my crippling PND was worse for him than I.

You would be better on your own. Ideally hope you are soon well.

@Likelysmike what a heartless, cruel, selfish arsehole. Why do women put up with partners like this?

I'd rather be single than be with someone like that

I’m so sorry op but I doubt very much that there’s any coming back from this. The contempt he’s showing you is disgusting.

im epileptic. When I come round from a seizure I’m very tired, groggy and emotional. I get teary. It’s normal. Mine are very well controlled with medication. But if I do have a seizure my dh takes care of me totally.

i hope everything goes ok for for op xx

I’m so sorry that you’ve been treated this way. It must be terrifying enough for you without having basically zero support from the person who is meant to love you and be there for you. I’d be rethinking the relationship. I had a similar experience of the “tough love” treatment when I had a breast cancer scare and then when my mum had cancer and it just killed the love for me. We’re now getting divorced. You deserve better.

I'm so sorry but I think he's shown that he doesn't care for you or about you at all.

I'm on the other end of your situation, my husband developed epilepsy in his 70s nearly 2 years ago. I can see how much a fit takes out of him fir at least 24 hours. I can see how scared he is. If he cried about it I would be pleased he could release some of his fear that way, but men of his age were taught that big boys don't cry.

I can understand that your husband might just be terrified of what your epilepsy means. It is very frightening to watch a fit, and very scary that you don't know how bad they're going to get. Very scary that the causes could be really bad news. Depending where in the brain it starts, it can also (and has in my case) change your personality and he may not like the changes.

But I don't think any of that excuses the level of his neglect of you and your needs.

You obviously know that you need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about the future. I'd suggest that a mediator/counsellor would be a good idea too.

I wish you well for the future. Whatever meds they put you on, just be aware they have a choice of several and some don't suit some people. Leviteracetam dropped my husband's blood pressure and gave him constant headaches, Keppra suits him much better but only if he also takes B6 with it, otherwise it makes him short tempered.

Good luck, I wish you had a better partner.

Wow, just wow. Please read one of the many 'ducks in a row' threads and when you're able to do so follow them through. This man is clearly incapable of supporting you/your children at your time of need so it's time he packs up and gets out. I'm epileptic and the vulnerability you feel after a seizure doesn't quite compare to anything else. You need someone there who wants to try understand that. Basic compassion for someone who is seriously ill is something most of us would expect of anyone, I've had more care from strangers in your street than your husband is currently offering you. Please get out, you deserve so much more.

This is very cruel of him, his attitude stinks and is extremely selfish.

You poor thing, this must be such a shock for you and having seizures is very emotional and exhausting. Have you been given medication?

Its great that your mum and dad are their supporting you, such a kid in the teeth the when the chips are down your husband isn't

This is really sad any man in my life would rally around. He’s acting like a seizure is a common cold or a paper cut. That’s so bizarre.

Sending love and support from a fellow seizure sufferer. I too get very emotional following a seizure, it’s a very traumatic experience. My dh found my first episode very traumatic too but has been my absolute rock throughout.

Honey, you ned to leave him.

The reality is that many men cannot stand having to step up and look after ill wives. We're apparently supposed to look after them, and if we don't, we are discarded (speaking generally here - my DH is fortunately not one of these, but I've watched this play out a lot).

He will not support you, and he is likely to neglect you if you seize. He will not accommodate you at all. It will be unsafe for you, and for the children.

He is very heartless and maybe in denial about how serious seizures can be. Ask him why he is being so horrible. Wish you well soon OP

OP I feel for you having been in a similar situation. I developed a chronic illness 7 years ago and my ex was supportive at points and an absolute cunt at others. My health scare basically threatened his idea of what our life would be like.

If I cast my mind back there were warning signs of this. When our eldest was a baby and not sleeping well, I had a stomach bug and was on the toilet floor doubled over in pain when he stormed in to shout at me to get back to bed and feed her because he couldn’t settle her. He was so cold and callous.

Fast forward to this year and I was hospitalised with dehydration, exhaustion and a raging infection (suspected sepsis) after carrying on through mastitis with my youngest. It was one of a few final signs to end my relationship of 20 years and he has been a bastard. But I’m free of his mean heart at last. He spent his first night in his new place last night, likely stewing over everything he’s lost.

And what his is sister saying to his abhorrent behaviour? Its not like you're being melodramatic about a cold, you're having fucking SEIZURES and he's tantrumming because he's not the centre of attention/might actually have to help? Wow, just wow.....he needs a come to jesus chat today, and if that doesn't see him step up, then I'm sorry OP

My God he's a right charmer isn't he!?!!

Absolutely fucking boot him if he can't give you even a little sympathy after you've had seizures.

Please ensure your family know the whole picture about his behaviour. You need love and support. He is redundant. Get rid.

Sorry but the lack of sympathy over your illness is just the tip of the iceberg, isn’t it? If you think back will you find that actually he’s always been selfish/tired/had better things to do than parent?

I think all this would signal that he would be best effing off completely, then at least you can set up your emergency back up plan with your family to support you and look after your DC if/when it happens again.

Anyway, those are just two examples, but he had form for it and was a prick at points before and after my health scare. I think he actually makes my chronic illness worse, causing the stress that leads to flare ups. Will be interesting to see how things change for me being single and not needing to cope with his horrid attitude on top of health scares anymore.

Sending you love and strength because I know how utterly heartbreaking and blindsiding it can be to see someone change like this in the face of a challenge. But maybe there were warning signs all along 💛

When you're feeling up to it, absolutely look into getting him out of the house.
Woman's Aidwill help you.

I'd also be asking when did he become such a nasty, uncaring bastard

I'm so sorry, I couldn't see a way back from this.

I don't understand how he doesn't seem to care? Is he always like this?

I had a neurological event similar to a stroke last year and when I came home from the hospital my husband "hovered". He was either in the room whilst I slept or stayed in the house and checked on me regularly until it was clear I was out of danger of it happening again.

Leaving the house without his phone is unthinkable in this situation.

You can't rely on him, he's meant to have your back but is showing his true narcissistic colours.

You'll be better off without him honestly.