To feel I’ll never conquer my messiness?

[Manifestingapersonalitychange]

On the face of it, I’m an intelligent, responsible parent and professional with a successful career.

but my home is a disaster zone. I can never get on top of housework or clutter.

I suspect I have ADHD ( have 1 ND DC) which may explain it.

im just so sick of living in chaos, but don’t know if I’ll ever change - am now in 40’s and feel like I still live like a messy student. It’s got to the point that I have to invite people to my home to spark a clear up.

id love to be able to invite people round on a whim, but if im not expecting guests, my home is a tip!

AIBU to just give up and accept this?

or could I do something that will change me?

If you are ND then tidying up as you along yourself and having a designated place for all your stuff won’t come naturally to you and that’s completely understandable.

But I wouldn’t feel completely defeated. It may help to enforce a routine where you have a good blitz once a week.

My house is generally tidy and I give the floors a regular clean. But if you look in my cupboards and drawers it’s absolute chaos.

You are probably right to assume you will never be a super organised person who takes housework in their stride. But you can probably get to a better place than you are now, if you’re not happy with how things are going.

This is me. Literally had a cry today about how unmanageable the house feels. It is a constant battle and I've tried every strategy but it just doesnt work for my brain. Solidarity x

I could have written your post, so I'm here for the tips!

Also here as I feel similar. We have a cleaner but so much stuff. Someday I feel like all I do is cook and clean and it's bums me out as after all these years I'm just not good at it
(Cooking I'm ok at)

I do have ADHD though and it is a real achilles heel in terms of managing a house.

Exactly the same here. I have no idea how my DH tolerates it. The only solution that I have is to get a cleaner. Ours comes on a Monday so I’m forced to tidy up for her.

Here for solidarity!!
I just find it impossible to keep the house tidy. I put stuff down randomly as I move about the house, and then forget where it is. Then I have to look for it. It's exhausting. I am 41 and have always been like this.
Have recently been trying the "don't put it down, put it away" method but it's slow going.

I’m diagnosed ADHD and also ASD and I really can’t keep a house tidy in my own. I rely very much on DH.

Have you ever come across Dana K White? I found her so helpful.

Anyone like this but diagnosed ADHD and now taking medication? Has it made any difference?

Declutter ruthlessly and have way less stuff
Don't leave a room without moving something to where it belongs
Do a 10 minute burst of tidying
Hoover everyday and pretend you are on a shift closing up your restaurant kitchen - hoover and spray mop and wipe the kitchen counters. Dishwasher on. Done

Lots of little things you can do with random surges of energy but having less stuff and the stuff you do have being in a "home" where you can easily access is imperative
You can label etc if needs be
Stops you losing stuff and then having to buy it again. Adhd tax

One of my adult daughters seems to live in chaos. What I’ve observed is

1. she ‘double handles’. So she has something that she is using and then she puts it near where it goes. So a make up brush will end up lying on her dressing table instead of in the pot 30cm away. Then that one make up brush adds to the mess, it ends up getting dirty or under something so she can’t use it the next time she needs it.

2. she has too many things. She’s got five pots of Vaseline on her desk, all with a little bit in.

The make up brush and the Vaseline are just symbols of a bigger problem. She’s like that with everything so ends up with far too many things, none of which seem to be where they should be so she’s eternally living in a chaotic situation.

I’d be interested in this too…

I’d heard that Mounjaro has also helped people with their ADHD.

i reckon I’d rather pay for ADHD medication rather than a cleaner

My house is permanently like this.
Cleaner fortnightly helps with a tidying blitz that puts me in a very bad mood.

I have Vaseline’s in each room (often more than one), in all coats and bags and cars and still end up searching for one!

The kitchen table is permanently buried under a mountain of pens, notepads, magazines, bags, letters, cups, dog toys, tops and jumpers, bags of things that are ready for other activities or left after activities, as I need to keep those specific things in a bag and will use it again maybe tomorrow or definitely next week………

I have a cupboard where I keep bags and bags of things on the floor that I need. I can barely close the door now and couldn’t tell you what 80% of it all is……

All kitchen surfaces are covered in various supplements, hot drink packets, Tupperwares of snacks, bags of dog chews, bottles of unopened wine, tinned tomatoes, cleaning products, charging leads, bowls of fruit…….
Cupboards are full, hence everything on the surfaces……..

I can have a massive tidy (which still isn’t perfect), then 10 hours later it’s back to chaos again!
There’s 2 of us in the house……. I don’t know the answer…..

I’ve heard this too. Not that it treats ADHD as such but it can help people focus at work.

Same, it’s depressing.
I sometimes wonder if I am heading into hoarder territory and the worst is we have so much house space plus barns.

Our house looks beautiful too when it’s not cluttered.

Fortunately we have a weekly cleaner but she’s just broken her foot.

You will. Try hire a professional organiser to give you a head start, get more storage, bin everything. I have to try very hard, it doesn’t come naturally, my kitchen/dining area is now sparkling but it took 4 hours and will be messy again tomorrow. An 8 week deep clean helps. I do one room deep clean each week listening to a good podcast.
My upstairs looks like a bomb went off right now.
(tomorrow job)
Even better if you can afford to hire someone to help you out. I don’t like doing it but I grew up in a messy chaotic home, even now we’ll lose a shoe or a school bag causing mayhem, so I organise each night to save myself from a breakdown, every day as children we were searching for something before school, a shoe, matching socks, school books, I didn’t want my children going through the stress. It wasn’t good not having space to do homework etc.

Do you have enough, good, practical storage?
Are you good at decluttering? (The tidy up after is another issue)
Do you ever get the urge to “get shit done”, possibly at inconvenient times?
Is your child able/old enough to help at all?

What distracts you enough to put a good chunk of work in? Books, music, podcasts, tv shows?

Well I’m ADHD. I think even when not ND messy to some extent is fine. It’s cleanliness you need to be monitoring!

I have a system where I use my wash baskets for junk that needs sorting and putting away. One for the kids room and one for the living room. Then I have to sort them when I need a basket for the washing!

put it away not down has changed my life. Cleared the living room floor today to vacuum and there was part of a track my dd got for Christmas, previously that would have been put on the side just to clear the floor today vaccume but today I walked the 3meters to the box and put it away 🤗 life changing habit for an adhder.

I also never stand still in the kitchen. So boiling the kettle for tea or boiling pasta or rice etc. I will load/unload the dishwasher rather than stand there.

I have disgusting boys so find I have to clean around the toilet far too frequently but I will clean the sink/side first then use the cloth for the wall/toilet and stick it in the wash.

robot vacuum/mop has been life changing too. It won’t tidy the toys so I find I’m clearing the floor more frequently as it cost me so much money I will be damed if I do t use it lol.

but ultimately if you keep the house clean then mess is responsible imo. I absolutely love visiting a messy house it makes me feel more normal!

Following for tips. Marie Khondo has helped in the past
storage is key, then even if I don’t have energy to put things away neatly- oh, how I hate that word, I have at least put them away
so in every room I have two levels of shelving - in adddition to usual cupboards- that goes right round the room, I put storage boxes on the shelves so things can be dumped in there. When I can, I sort things in the box properly The key is having each storage box for a designated purpose, for example books, socks, paper. That way you can also find things..
I get the nicest shelves I can afford and boxes in colours I really like
does it look different- yes, generally people comment positively and it lets me organise my space well enough so I am not ashamed to have guests
oh and a stick hoover that recharges when not in use and self empties- game changer

ND (AuDHD) over here too and having cleaners on Friday is something they will have to prise out of my cold dead fingers. DH and kids and I ensure things are TIDIED on Thursday evening, then the cleaners come in and blast the place ready for the weekend.

We are messy (all of us are ND diagnosed bar youngest but that’s a matter of time) however: 1) googling storage/organisation hacks for ADHD and ordering a lot of storage tubs and so on from Ikea has helped so much - a place for everything etc 2) if we have a reasonable week we can mostly stay on top of it so thurs evening isn’t too bad and if not there is a limit to how bad it can be in only a week and 3) it’s incredibly relaxing to me to know that whatever else happens in terms of mess the eg floor is CLEAN underneath any mess as it is cleaned weekly so it’s not dirty or unhygienic unless something has been spilled etc. 4) if it all goes wrong you can always shove the mess in one room close the door and tell the cleaners to ignore that one.

Obviously if you can’t afford a cleaner this is no use, but if you can and you find a good one, arrange to pay monthly so it’s one less weekly job.

The organised mum method worked for me.

Also, practical systems. Eg: a box for my hairdryer and straighteners that lives on too of the wardrobe and I put it straight away when done (I know, it sounds simple, but it took 10 years of adult living to work it out!!! Bonus- I now don't have 'the fear' of turning them off.

I'd love to hear other people's systems.

As @Forgotwhatimdoing says, you need to listen to Dana K. White. Her webpage (with links to her books, podcasts, YouTube videos) is called "A Slob Comes Clean."
Systems such as "organized mum method" failed for me over and over again, despite seeming to require just a bit of effort each day. Any putting away system that required several steps, like boxes under the bed, is just a no. I just could not do it. But Dana K. White's methods work for people with ADHD. It is life-changing.

You need an end goal. For me, moving was the only thing which made me declutter. I need that extreme external, no flexibility outcome which forces me to do something. I can leave in pretty extreme filth. The only times I’ve changed is when people are coming over, moving, having a lodger or when social services came over!

You can change. I did - at about 45 years old - maybe a bit later. I came acroff Flylady on MN and started following some of her tips. These days I think people prefer organised Mum (who has ADHD, I think.)

My home will never be the neatest or the cleanest, but I learned the Flylady trick of keeping the hallway clean and tidy so it looks orderly if someone comes to the door, and of keeping one room clean and tidy at all times, so unexpected guests are welcome - could be the kitchen or living room, but focus on it and the hallway.

I tidy up in 5 minute sessions and clean in 10-15 minute sessions, unless I am doing a deep clean, which I do twice a year. 5 minute Flylady 'room rescues' and '15 minutes to company arriving' Flylady techniques are perfect for ADHD brains. I'm even pretty good at them now, and enjoy them.