To feel I’ll never conquer my messiness?

[Manifestingapersonalitychange]

On the face of it, I’m an intelligent, responsible parent and professional with a successful career.

but my home is a disaster zone. I can never get on top of housework or clutter.

I suspect I have ADHD ( have 1 ND DC) which may explain it.

im just so sick of living in chaos, but don’t know if I’ll ever change - am now in 40’s and feel like I still live like a messy student. It’s got to the point that I have to invite people to my home to spark a clear up.

id love to be able to invite people round on a whim, but if im not expecting guests, my home is a tip!

AIBU to just give up and accept this?

or could I do something that will change me?

Throw away a LOT of your stuff. Like, a lot. I did this over the summer this year and it has made a huge difference. You have to be ruthless though!

I don’t think I have diagnosable ADHD but I’m in that ballpark. I’m afraid I don’t think Mounjaro has made any difference to that, a cleaner is much better.

I’d read put it away/touch it once advice many times, but until I actually saw in my own mind that it meant double the workload, it didn’t go in. So, pick it up/put it back where it lives is 2 steps; pick it up, put it somewhere else, then pick it up again and finally put it back where it lives is 4 steps. That made a difference.

I wouldn’t advise buying more storage in general, as it’s just more stuff - getting rid of things is better. But it is true that sometimes the right piece of storage (eg a washing basket small enough to fit in a cupboard, or a narrow IKEA pull-out larder) helps and is worth it.

Yeah unfortunately I know what to do. I just don't do it 🫤

I'm on mounjaro (undiagnosed adhd living with diagnosed x 2 dc and undiagnosed dh btw). I would say it hasn't made me better at starting tasks but I can do stuff for longer without feeling overwhelmed with boredom/exhaustion/ghastliness!

I am the same. Exactly the same. Also I have late diagnosed ADHD. Realise that it’s an affliction: people who are clear and tidy don’t spend nearly as much time as we do because we have so much working against us.

I have found that I need help. There are people that do this professionally.

Get rid of stuff and pare back to the bare bones. You cannot do this alone, in my opinion

I can only recommend listening to A Slob Comes Clean podcast, as others have mentioned, Dana K White. I have been listening to this podcast, and I find her relatable and realistic. I listened th the first 3 podcasts again today, and got rid of quite a bit of stuff. If you are overwhelmed then you probably have too many clothes, crockery, books, shoes etc.

I’d love to try adhd medication but I don’t feel comfortable speaking to my GP.
I cannot take WLI as I have a low bmi.
Can anyone recommend medication that helps with concentration so I’m armed visiting the GP.
I’ve always been up and down emotionally and suffered from an eating disorder.
Would you need a psychiatrist diagnosis first.

Me too

I also feel bad about myself and guilt ridden because of it! 😬

I'm ten years ahead of you with ADHD and I wish I could go back ten years.

Keep inviting people round - who cares if that's the only way you can tidy, use it.

I second Dana K. White - she really gets it. But I did Flylady too years ago and still use some concepts - keeping an eye on hotspots, 15 minute tidies and so on.

You must must get rid of clutter - just having too much stuff makes everything so much harder.

The truth is that almost everything you put to one side to sort out or mend or ebay you will never get round to dealing with, so just deal with it or get rid of it now. I know that feels really hard but I look at the things that have been in cupboards and boxes and bags waiting to be dealt with 'properly', sometimes for 25 years (nearly the time I've had children) and I could weep. I could have had the space where they were for all this time, and now I'm still not mending or recycling them, because I'm desperate, so I might as well just have chucked them from the start. (Dana White is good for this too.)

I'd say don't keep buying big storage boxes but many dozens of zip bags and even zip lock food bags of all sizes can be a really useful investment. Instead of drawers full of miscellaneous things I now often have drawers full of sorted things in bags that are so much easier to keep track of.

If you struggle with rubbish on surfaces, have as many bins as you need even if they're carrier bags hanging on door handles (assuming no tiny children around who that would be dangerous for). I gave up having one small nice looking bin in a corner of the bedroom like normal people and now use extra rubbish bags in strategic spots like where I put my make up on, which are really quick to throw away and stop things like cotton balls cluttering surfaces. That's just an example but the main point is to use whatever works for you not what you think your house ought to have. If you can afford upstairs and downstairs vacuum cleaners, get them. If you are leaving bathrooms too long and wipes would help, get some - just don't flush them!

Basically do whatever works for your brain to actually get things done. Atomic Habits is a very good book for how to build better habits in any way that works, too. I always listen to podcasts or books or music too, and I'd recommend the Tody app. But make sure you're still living your life and doing things - don't fall into the trap of thinking "I'll do that when I'm tidy" about too many things, because you genuinely might never be, even if you are mostly "tidy enough".

Yeah. We all do ❤️ but here we have found our tribe @tobee

You can do it OP! This is the year 🥳

Medication helps with the clear thinking needed to put realistic processes into place but consistency is another beast. I grew up in a tidy home and whilst my natural leanings are to chaos and clutter, I find a tidy space helps me keep me regulated and calm. My stuff isn’t organised, I’m forever losing things, but I have clear surfaces and my home looks tidy day to day.

My biggest tip would be to work with your brain not against it. Remove barriers to success. Storage isn’t the answer, less stuff and somewhere simple to chuck it is the answer. Get rid of everything you don’t need and question yourself/wait a bit every time you want to add something to your space.

You then need to remove as many of the obstacles that you can that make keeping things in order feel overwhelming. Multi step processes are our kryptonite. Really think about where the nests of clutter appear and deal with them in situ. A big help for me was the day I took all the lids off any storage I do need. Eg. I was never going to take off my jewellery and place it all back in its spaces in my jewellery box each evening. Way too boring. I now have a pretty dish on my bedside table where I can chuck it all. It’s in one place, which is the same place that I take it all off. It’s tidy and I’m not going to lose an earring by leaving it on a random surface, but it’s also easy. Periodically, I put everything away and start again. I have these sorts of trays and baskets all over the house for gathering things together. A big old tangle of cables in a basket is better than random cables all over the house.

Have a read about gamifying tasks you find hard, to incorporate a bit of dopamine. It’s amazing how consistent I can be when I have a little square to colour or box to tick.

tldr: chuck loads of stuff out and simplify keeping things tidy as much as you possibly can. Be realistic about what you’ll actually do. Find ways to make boring tidy habits more rewarding for your brain. Good luck, it’s a bit of a battle but the hacks really work!

I could have written this post OP!! Our house is large but absolutely packed with stuff. So many toys, trinkets, clothes and clutter I just can’t keep on top of it.

I looked at my bedroom at the start of the Xmas holidays and could have cried - I felt like mr trebus from the life of grime programme in the 90s clambering over piles of clothes that needed sorting.

yesterday I finally sorted it - it took the whole day, and tonight I am enjoying relaxing in a beautiful clean, tidy and organised bedroom - it still needs decorating though and the plaster is falling off in the corner where we had a water leak so don’t be too jealous 😉

I’ve found the biggest improvement is when I massively declutter. I don’t attempt any system. I just get a bin bag and go for it. Then keeping things tidy becomes easier (until it clutters up again!). Just had a big declutter and literally feel I can breathe easier. We also pay for a cleaner. Always have even when we were so poor we had to buy all our clothes second hand. It was just an essential sanity thing. I realise that is alien to most people as it’s a “luxury item” but it’s often not for ND families.

I've got a couple of ideas that I haven't put in to place yet 🙄

One is to bag up things into 3 bags. One for definite chucking, one for definite keeping and then one for "not sure". Then putting the "not sure" bag somewhere like a cupboard or spare room or a loft or something. Then after 6 months or so if I haven't missed anything from the "not sure" bag I chuck it. Because that's another of my issues - indecisiveness.

That's a good idea about your jewellery storage @Tinymrscollings. Although I might have to get one of those jewellery storage tree things as I'm always dumping my necklace chains and they immediately knot irretrievably. 😵‍💫

Although I see a pp has mentioned that storage things put away for another time might not be such a great plan.

My house is cluttered and messy and I look at it and smh. I don’t know where to start. My oldest daughter who is an early childhood educator thinks I have adhd!! Unfortunately I’m now 71 and figure why bother now 😝! I sure wish I’d known about it at age 6. Everything was such a struggle.

I’m like op and others. Being ‘tidy’ is highly valued in society and I’m terrible at it. I try to, if not accept it, then try not to stress about it, it’s just one of those things I can’t ‘get’ because of how my brain is wired. But appreciate the wiring also gives me the ability to do some other highly valued things others can’t.

I’m a messy old person OP. Always have been and always will be. I’m not interested if I have adhd or not. I have found little things that help me. One touch method meaning if I pick something up I have to put it away where it’s meant to go, not just move it to somewhere else. I try to do a little bits of stuff often. For instance I’d rather iron for 10 mins 3 times a week than iron a big load at once because I find it overwhelming to do it that way and I don’t finish it. I also set a timer when I’m tidying and stop when it goes off. I’m less likely to get distracted and start something else doing it this way.

I'm the same OP. I try so hard though. Seem to spend so much time trying to get on top of it, but never manage. It's so hard to clean when there's clutter. We've had a massive clear out, but still we struggle. Having 2 teenagers certainly doesn't help! They are so messy.

I was like this, I don’t think it was adhd or anything, I was just untidy and busy doing other things. Moving in with my very tidy partner was an adjustment for both of us.

Ive learned to appreciate that things having their place is good.
we have a cleaner.
I have less stuff.
I have a rule that I can be as messy as I like in my wardrobe.

Set a timer. 1 hour. Put on your favourite music, and don’t stop cleaning until the timer goes off. You’d be surprised at what you can achieve.

It’s so hard and there is no easy solution.

The only thing to help me is decluttering and going extreme. The less stuff I have the more manageable I find it.
I look at homes on Pinterest and insta and I Love the maximalist, colourful homes but they don’t work for me. I can’t keep on top of the cleaning and dusting. I am far from minimalist but the less stuff I have the more manageable it is.

I could have made a fortune over the years by selling stuff but I just don’t get around to it. It all goes to charity shops or the recycling centre so it’s gone straight away.

DH is a huge help. He does more than his fair share and really goes out of his way to help make things easier for me. He understands that if I put things off it won’t get done. DH does 100% of the laundry. He knows that putting clothes away is one of my problems so he calls me upstairs and puts his away whilst I put mine away. He body doubles me a lot. Last night he helped fill my car for the recycling centre as I have to go past it to meet a friend for lunch today. It would never have crossed my mind that I could drop it off before meeting them. Once the food shopping has been put away he pops the bags back in my car.

I have tried all the apps and notebooks and they are just a waste of money for me. One thing that has helped is writing a list of wins in my phone notes. Things that I have achieved each day that I wouldn’t normally. It could be making that appointment or organising something. It sounds childish but it really helps my mental health. Feeling like you can’t function as an adult is soul destroying.

I am the opposite and I hate it. I only have to see something left on the side and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it’s in our genes and also our upbringing.

I am not a naturally tidy person and do find it a battle to keep on top of housework. However I find mess really anxiety inducing so try really hard to keep things tidy.
A few things I do now that have become second nature and really help.

• reset the kitchen straight after dinner every evening. Clear the table, load the dishwasher, wash up, wipe the surfaces and sweep or vacuum the floor.
• empty the dishwasher first thing every morning so dirty dishes can go straight into it throughout the day.
• scan a room every time I enter or leave it. So if I go into the living room and there’s stuff in there that doesn’t belong I’ll quickly deal with it before I sit down (eg putting stuff on the stairs ready to go up or taking the mug to the dishwasher). When I leave the room I take anything that I took in there, straighten cushions etc.
• fold laundry straight off the line and put it into piles for each person. I used to use crates for each person but people started using the crates as a wardrobe extension and not putting stuff away so now they get a pile left on their bed or by their door instead.
• I try to use the one touch rule and put it away not down but we have four flights of stairs so things do get left on the stairs until the next time we go up or down as otherwise I spend all day running up and down (live with five other messy people who leave their stuff everywhere and I can’t do it all for everyone)
• If a surface or room looks really bad I’ll do a five or ten minute blast to do as much as possible.

I didn’t start doing all of these things at once btw, I added one in at a time until it became habit.