To feel I’ll never conquer my messiness?

[Manifestingapersonalitychange]

On the face of it, I’m an intelligent, responsible parent and professional with a successful career.

but my home is a disaster zone. I can never get on top of housework or clutter.

I suspect I have ADHD ( have 1 ND DC) which may explain it.

im just so sick of living in chaos, but don’t know if I’ll ever change - am now in 40’s and feel like I still live like a messy student. It’s got to the point that I have to invite people to my home to spark a clear up.

id love to be able to invite people round on a whim, but if im not expecting guests, my home is a tip!

AIBU to just give up and accept this?

or could I do something that will change me?

You don't need a 'diagnosis'. You just have to care enough about tidiness to do something about it. I don't either. Visitors can lump it.

A cleaner won't make you a tidy person. A cleaner can't clean properly in a mess. Sort your stuff out properly. Make sure you have storage for everything. Use something - don't put it down, put it back where it lives. Put a basket at the bottom of the stairs for things to be taken up - and no-one walks upstairs empty-handed. Wash, dry, iron (what's necessary) and put it away. Don't let washing /ironing sit around in piles. Simple rules for everyone in the house. You may never be perfect but you can work towards it and if you are organised, a cleaner would be the cherry on top

I've had a cleaner since last April and she had definitely made me a tidier person. I have to keep the house downstairs tidy otherwise she can't clean properly.

Your post reads as too simplistic. If it was that easy, many of us wouldn't struggle.

It's supposed to be simple. If you make it too hard people can't be bothered. I'm not naturally tidy - ask my husband - but simple rules or "hacks" can help you organise. It may not work for you, but it works for me and other people. You find a system and stick to it. Makes life a lot easier for everyone.

I suspect I have ADHD- my 2 kids have it and are very like me, so…

My house is not perfect by any means.

I’ve found it useful to:

• give myself a dedicated amount of time for a task ie) 10 minutes to tidy my bedroom. The more I’m avoiding it, the shorter the time I set to work on it. Invariably, I’ll keep asking Alexa to give me another 5 mins, as I get hooked in to the task

• When the kids lived at home, we would do a ‘10 /20 minute tidy’ and I would give them very specific tasks

• I try and listen to a podcast or a book to distract myself. Has to be with headphones though

• I almost never complete a whole room at once. So, I’ll de parts of the bathroom continuously but at different times. So I’ll do the toilet daily, but then one day I’ll wipe the floor, or clean the sink or the tub. I just can’t bear doing the whole thing at once, but doing it in bits but regularly means it is always in a pretty good state.

• I do hate laundry piling up, so I do that regularly as well.

• I have realised that if there is a big job I need to do after work, I’ll do it as soon as I get home.

With the snow yesterday keeping us all at home I spent all day tackling the utility room and I’m so pleased at how much better it looks now and how much more functional it is now that it is clear and tidy. I could do with a week or two with nothing else to do to tackle the rest of the house but at least it’s a start and I’m starting on the spare room next. I just need to keep going now!

I have one room which is my ‘messy room’. This room is allowed to get messy and I clean it once a week at a set time, same time every week. Other rooms cannot get too messy - if needs be I will move stuff from the clean rooms into the messy room ready to be tidied at the set time. Confining the mess to one room makes tidying it a lot less daunting.

Moving things from the ‘clean room’ to the ‘messy’ room? Would it not make more sense - and save a lot of time - if you just moved things to where they belong?

Of course you need to have a system of where things belong, and storage set up logically, so this would be a good place to start.

Me too. Solidarity!

yes me - got diagnosed just before christmas and been trialling medication (elvanse) since 12th december. and it's night and day. absolutely amazing. house has never been so clean because i'm actually getting dopamine from doing things. task initiation is improved - i think 'oh, i need to clean that up' and then i just... do it! i'm cleaning as i go. the noise in my head has cleared. i feel like a grown-up at last (while on meds - back to normal as soon as they wear off of course!).

I was diagnosed last year, started meds and my house is now tidier than it’s ever been. Meds are not a cure all but they’ve certainly changed my life in terms of executive function.

Hopefully the wait isn’t long for you.

I have adhd and despite medication helping a bit I also really struggle to keep house. I've tried every strategy and read every bloody book, watched every bloody YouTube video but honestly the only thing that makes me blitz the place is having people over. The fact I'm on here currently obstinately ignoring the washing machine beeping at me to empty it says everything

It's really very overwhelming sometimes, so solidarity from me

Your post resonated with me, OP. I'm most likely AuDHD but awaiting full diagnosis. My home is so cluttered and untidy. I'm slowly finding things that are helping (which Mounjaro didn't):

1. I use The Organised Mum guided sessions as and when (not the full plan which involves 30 mins every day), with my favourite being a 90-min weekend tidy in two parts that I try to do religiously on a Friday. It keeps the main rooms of the house ticking over and looking okay and I know I've done some basic cleaning in the kitchen, living room and bathroom each week. There are lots of sessions on there so during the week I can do little bits here and there. Having Gemma in my ear telling me what to do next really helps me!
2. I try to keep things tidied away in boxes. I was once in a friend's house and looking around to see why her house felt lived in but tidy and I realised she had little baskets and boxes on shelves and cabinets to keep the clutter out of sight. So I bought a kallax-style cabinet with some cupboard sections and bought some boxes etc for the other spaces. Now I know where things are but they're not just out on the side or piled on shelves all the time. I also have baskets for the hallway so gloves, hats etc aren't just out on the shelf and the same for the bathroom.
3. I don't fold washing. If it's not something that requires a hanger, I just shove things in the drawer. Yes, my t-shirts are probably more crumpled than they would be otherwise but it's saved me one stressful part of the washing cycle. I'd love Marie Kondo style tidy drawers but my brain can't cope.
4. I have joined the Reset Your Home Challenge from the Declutter Hub which is free this week, with live sessions every evening and a workbook. I figured even if I only end up decluttering a little this week, it's a little more than I would have done and will give me a set hour each day to listen to the live while getting rid of some stuff.
5. A pomodoro timer. You can do different timings but normally it's 25 mins work and 5 mins rest, 25 mins work and 10 mins rest and repeat. This really helps my ADHD brain because I know I have a rest coming up when I can scroll on my phone or whatever. But there's an end time to that to get me back into work mode!

Good luck finding what works for you! Trial and error is the only way. Gamifying with an app does not help me, nor does the Slob podcast or trying to have one-touch on items. But they might work for you.

Hope you are ok @Manifestingapersonalitychange
Just you haven't been back since you said you were going to do an hour.
My then three year old daughter once got trapped in my bedroom when my 7 foot high ironing pile fell against the door and trapped her in. Luckily I lived in a bungalow and was able to get in through the window.
Just sending solidarity to you.

Thanks for checking on me @Luddite26 i haven’t been trapped under a giant pile of ironing.

I managed 1 hour on the 2nd…and fell off the wagon over the weekend. I am now however, getting stuck in!

have done about 20 minutes so far today. And also planning to take the decorations down tonight- I’ll include that in my declutter- just so I can claim the dopamine.

I think someone on here posted a good tip ( or it was Slob Comes Clean) to go for visible wins…my first project is to clear the hallway. It’s still not very tidy, but is better than it was!

id post photos - but still too embarrassed 🙈

How are others de cluttering efforts going?

M

Thank you for your update @Manifestingapersonalitychange I'm not managing at all I was really trying to do a no buy month but I have already now bought 10 books in total since NYD. All justified in my head but nowhere to put them.

Any progress is good. Just got to keep trying. But I have despaired all my life cos I just can't do it.

I know the feeling.

I'm trying not to beat myself up about it when i go back to my old ways. As long as I’m doing something beyond what I’d normally do each day, then I’m counting it as a win.

If this was easy for our brains, we’d already be doing it.

so I’m trying to take the view inconsistent progress is fine!

and books are great @Luddite26 so not all bad!

I went through the process of assessment for ADHD and remain undiagnosed- my symptoms were dismissed as cPTSD, even though the symptoms were present before any trauma, and subsequently DS has been diagnosed with ADHD this year - he got it from somewhere I tell thee!

I think there’s still a lot of patchiness in the service people receive. especially women.

i have a friend who is a doctor who said she didn’t think I had ADHD because I have a successful career ( and don’t behave like an 8 year old boy with ADHD) She’s surprisingly quite dismissive of it presenting in any other way than the stereotypical naughty boy.

also another friend who is a walking stereotype of adhd. She was told she didn’t have it because her parents said she wasn’t disruptive at school, and school reports didn’t report any disruptive behaviour ( even though it constantly referred to her daydreaming )

she took the test years ago before ND awareness exploded. I bet she’d be diagnosed if she went now.

There is a good podcast called ADHD Chatter.
I've listened to episodes about coping with late diagnosis and the physical effect on women. etc. worth a listen.

My light bulb moment was that the cupboards were stuffed full of things we weren't using leaving many of the things we did use floating around homeless. And it's hard to tidy if things don't have a home and if benches (and often floors) are never clear.

It took me moving house to half sort it - I still have a way to go - but I can more easily find things and cleaning is a lot easier. I've still got a long way to go but there's hope now.

Get medicated for ADHD. I can finally “see” mess in a different way and have the capacity / executive function to deal with it. Was off meds for two days this week (ran out) and I had trashed the house in two days. Without meds, I’m a feral chaos monkey. Just wish I could
afford them (GP won’t do shared care) but that’s gonna have to be a problem for future me.

You are just dis organised. I am exactly the same, im 46 and my parents still tell me off for being so messy! My employers over the years have always had to 'talk' to me about my classroom messiness! Im trying to embrace it while doing enough to keep me at a functional level of tidiness!

@MyLimeGuide I would put a fiver on you also having adhd. It is not 'just' disorganised. Nobody chooses to be repeatedly told off by their employers because of their untidiness... unless they cannot help it.

Even if you have ADHD, there is routines and tasks that you can put in place to really help you, the mess gets to you quickly, it is overwhelming and bleeds into other areas of your life. I loved watching YouTube videos of house organising and hoarder shows, they give you motivation. The fly lady was good but I ignored a lot of it. I cannot remember the lady who use to fold clothes and organise, an Asian lady, she was brilliant, it got easier for me.
It still takes me a long time to get things done but they’re mostly done.
I usually say okay, put 6 things away, then the next 6, rest, waiting on kettle, do 6 things, it might be rinsing 6 spoons but it is a job done. ❤️