To feel I’ll never conquer my messiness?

[Manifestingapersonalitychange]

On the face of it, I’m an intelligent, responsible parent and professional with a successful career.

but my home is a disaster zone. I can never get on top of housework or clutter.

I suspect I have ADHD ( have 1 ND DC) which may explain it.

im just so sick of living in chaos, but don’t know if I’ll ever change - am now in 40’s and feel like I still live like a messy student. It’s got to the point that I have to invite people to my home to spark a clear up.

id love to be able to invite people round on a whim, but if im not expecting guests, my home is a tip!

AIBU to just give up and accept this?

or could I do something that will change me?

So I’ve taken the first step today and requested a formal diagnosis for ADHD. Going through Right To Choose route.

Funnily enough, I bumped into my former cleaner at the supermarket… I wonder if it was a sign? 😄

as you can tell, I’m procrastinating madly and really need to just make a start on throwing things out..

I am going to commit to 1 hour today…

Me too, starting now- 5:00 pm ❤️

I was like this and still am to some extent. I just can’t keep things clean, when I was in my 20’s my room was constantly horrendous.

Things that helped me:

Getting a friend that would randomly pop round without much notice - meaning I had a reason to constantly keep on top of the mess (in case they were going to pop over).

I have one room which is my ‘messy room’. This room is allowed to get messy and I clean it once a week at a set time, same time every week. Other rooms cannot get too messy - if needs be I will move stuff from the clean rooms into the messy room ready to be tidied at the set time. Confining the mess to one room makes tidying it a lot less daunting.

Breaking things down into small tasks. If I have 15 mins before I need to sleep and still have some energy, I will put something on my phone and clean one bathroom or clean out the fridge, something small. Doing this even 2 times a week helps massively.

I also saw a tip on here that helps - everytime you leave a room, take something with you that doesn’t belong there. A tissue, a cup, a hairbrush. Just one thing and put it where it’s supposed to be.

id bloody love to tidy that all up. My own? Nah.

Isn’t that the strangest thing!
I am great tidying for others.

I am the same, it really upsets me.

@winterwarmer8274 when I worked in hospitality we used to call that Full Hands In, Full Hands Out - whenever you're going from one part of the house to another, you're rehoming something that's out of place at the same time!

That’s great @Manifestingapersonalitychange

have you looked at the Five Minute Mum method? That breaks down tidying and cleaning int micro tasks.

Oh wow, well done OP @Manifestingapersonalitychange - that's amazing. It took me months to get the courage to make an appointment to see a GP re: Possible ADHD referral, then five weeks to get the appt. She was then a little insensitive and clearly not kept up with training, as first thing she said was "right, so ADHD, that's, erm, hyperactivity right? Would you say you're hyperactive?" 🙄 I replied "internally, yes, my mind is always hyperactive". I get headaches and lethargy from my overactive mind and it's getting way worse since perimenopause has hit. I've been recommended this book so just ordered on Amazon -

The ADHD Woman's Wellbeing Toolkit

I'm currently in bed with task initiation paralysis. Need to wrap presents, deep clean the bathroom and vacuum downstairs as hosting Christmas for my family tomorrow (cooking for ten people). Maybe give the kitchen a mop as gave the cleaner the week off for Christmas. But instead I'm lying in bed on Mumsnet with my body feeling like lead...

Is A Slob Comes Clean only on podcasts? I can only deal with reading stuff, I just can't listen if it's audio, my mind drifts off and I miss everything. Does she have anything I can read instead?

I'm similar - really struggle to focus on podcasts and just listen properly as my mind wanders so much. However, I've found it easier if I listen whilst moving my body. Have you tried listening on ear buds whilst walking or pottering around the house? (Sorry if this is obvious).

I'm really hoping this is one thing medication might help me with.

She’s on YouTube as well

https://www.aslobcomesclean.com

@SoldTheMovieRights, A Slob Comes Clean also has conventional books. You can buy them on Amazon.

You might find 20 minute blocks is more successful than an hour, OP. Set a goal and a 20 minute timer. When it goes off you have to stop and take a 5 minute break before going again. You can do anything for 20 mins and the break helps stop the inevitable creep from decluttering the bathroom cabinet to googling the world’s best shampoo for your hair type etc.. it’s the pomodoro method, which was developed for ADHD brains. I have an app called Forest, which I use sometimes. For each 20 minutes you get to plant a little dopamine tree in your forest, which I find oddly pleasing.

Going forward on your diagnosis journey, be mindful of the tonnes of ADHD self help content around. They will encourages you to change your skincare routine, or your makeup, or have a capsule wardrobe and have snacks in small pots in your fridge etc.. I find the sort of stuff that pretends to simplify and declutter your life is a trap for dopamine seekers and it will add to the problem. Nothing you can buy or acquire will help, what you already have is fine. You just need less of it.

Good luck!

I managed to get on top of things by having less stuff. I’m absolutely very good at containing mess in baskets and boxes, then having lots of baskets and boxes of mess that stress me out!! At work people marvel at how messy my desk gets and how many times I tidy it up in a working day. My WFH desk generally looks like a bomb went off but I tidy it all up once Friday and start again.

Unfortunately my DD has inherited my ND and inability to keep on top of the mess. We blitzed her room the last couple of days - binned everything that she didn’t want to keep (no selling, very little passing on clutter to others….). A LOT of stuff left the house!! Reduced the number of boxes she has to keep things in and made sure they’re all open so she can see what’s in there. From now on I’ll get her to tidy it all up once every couple of weeks so it doesn’t accumulate.

I make sure the kitchen is tidy and clean every evening, try and make sure laundry baskets kept on top of (that’s one of my areas of terribleness, I swear I’ve spent the last 2 weeks catching up on laundry 😬), have a vague weekly schedule for cleaning. A cleaner wouldn’t help me personally but each to their own!

I also try and make sure everything has a place - but unfortunately if things don’t end up back in their places they tend to be gone forever.

there is a lovely free app called Finch you might like to help organise tasks - lots of ND people really like it.

Thanks!

I struggle with this too.
I I want to clear up, and I know how, but there is a force field over the 'start' button.

I am messy by nature and also suspect I have ADHD (my DS has it).

I have always had a cleaner, even when I hardly had any money in my 20s. I know I just don’t cope otherwise (always worked full time in busy roles, but I don’t think I’d clean even if I didn’t).

I’ve had periods of not having a cleaner, eg in lock down, and it wasn’t good.

One thing I do though is I won’t go to bed with the kitchen a mess from dinner time. That always gets cleaned straight away after dinner.

I totally sympathise and am exactly the same but have been making progress recently. I’ve always thought I could organize my way out of it but I’ve learnt that’s impossible. I used to buy loads of baskets or ‘organizational’ stuff and think it would help. It doesn’t - it makes it ten times worse. I had one bowl, acrylic organisers and a necklace tree on my dressing table along with countless perfumes for examole. All the organizers were just overflowing with crap. I got rid of them all, got rid of all the necklaces I don’t actually wear and edited down my perfume collection by gifting to friends. Decluttering makes the difference. Mind you, I could never live in a sterile empty environment either- it’s just not me. An v creative and work in creative industry so there’s always stuff but letting go emotionally and editing is your friend. Good luck xx

Honestly, dont beat yourself up about this. Im in my 40s, im really naturally messy and my kids are messy too. It’s taken me a long time to realise i attach moral value to tidiness, and feel shame about messiness, which only perpetuates a downwards spiral. ive had to work really hard to break the tidy=good, messy=bad associations. It’s just a skill, like baking. If you want to, yoh can improve through practice.

practically, i heard this framework on an insta reel which really helps me. It’s to only do three non-negotiable tasks AM and PM.

AM:

1. empty dishwasher
2. put away load of laundry
3. tidy bedrooms (make beds)

PM

1. run dishwasher & load of laundry
2. wipe down all surfaces
3. hoover

it’s been a game changer for me, as I don’t have to remember loads. For me, deep cleans / weekly tasks are easy but it’s everyday tidiness i struggle with, and this has helped hugely.

This is me! It’s so overwhelming and I feel so guilty that I can’t give my kids a nice tidy house where people can just call around without me spiralling into a panic. I’ve tried lots to sort it out but it never seems to make a dent in the problem.

I’m planning to start with the smallest space which is a disaster as hopefully that might be the easiest. It’s the utility room and if I can get it sorted then it will make laundry easier to do and put away and hopefully start to impact some other areas of the house.

Then I think my spare room is the next one to tackle as it became a dumping ground over Christmas.

Praying for a miracle!

Doing little and often was something that was advised on MN and it did help, especially when ds was small and time was precious - tidying and cleaning the basin, toilet and bathroom floor when ds was in the bath for example. I do think most kids have too many bath toys (too many toys full stop) - that’s an area the decluttering could really tackle.

Me too, OP. I’m diagnosed AuDHD with an ND DS and as yet undiagnosed DD who may or may not be. I love my house to be perfect. It always is… as long as I’m the only one in the house for a week. I just can’t keep on top of it when life is happening. I’ve always been the same, even pre children. I’m also a professional with a good career where I’m always (as far as anyone else can tell at least!) organised and in control. I dream of having a housekeeper.

I'm not ADHD or ND but my mind approaches most things like a puzzle or game. Some ways that work for me:

Basket walk - grab a laundry basket and chuck in everything out of place. Once your room is decluttered, feel your anxiety dropping, hoover/mop etc. Move to next room. Take basket with you. Empty the basket or add to basket as necessary and rinse repeat. Aim to have the basket completely empty before you give up.

Tunnel vision/zones approach - break your room into zones. Just focus on tidying that one zone and ignore all else until completely done. Then move onto next zone. This works well even if you give up in the middle as at least you have done some of it.

Keep busy in the kitchen all the time.

Lately I have been folding laundry straight out of the tumble dryer and take the piles up stairs without a laundry basket. I put the clothes away and then tidy the room if needed. Also helps get a bit more exercise into my day. I find I'm not tripping over or looking in despair at laundry baskets in the hallway. It stays in the tumble dryer until I'm ready to tackle it.

Dishes - attack all big plates first. They are the easiest to get a big pile reduced and help build momentum.