To be at my wits end with 15 year old dd and latest escapade

[Flyingpigsleigh]

She wa allowed out tonight to go to friends house. We are strict with her as every single time she gets the chance she gets blackout drunk and endangers herself. It’s been a cycle for the past year. She goes out and gets so drunk she passes out. We ground her. She’s told she can gradually work up to going out again under certain conditions, eg keeps in touch, keeps her location on, keeps us informed of movements. She absolutely swore blind she was just going to a friends house and I dropped her off there at 8. All okay and she kept in touch and location showed her there. DH went to pick her up at 1230. Suddenly her location started moving from high street near her friends house and it was clear she was in a car. DH had to intercept her by chasing after the car using her location. She’d been picked up by nice people thankfully - a mum dad and daughter who sw her wandering barefoot down the street!!! Didn’t get much sense out of her but she said she fell out with friends.

Thus is the 4th time strangers have intervened and the 2nd time she’s got in a car with strangers. I feel physically sick at how this could have turned out tonight. She absolutely promised she was just going to be at her friends house. Her friend is quite sensible so I thought she would be okay.

it’s her 16th birthday next month and she is going to go crazy if I say she can’t go out but every single time we life restrictions she does this.

She’s seen a counsellor but tbh I think she just told him what she thought she should say and he thought so too.

I don’t know what to do.

She hasn't had an accident and isn't experiencing a health emergency, why would you think A&E appropriate?

Op it sounds like in between these episodes of drunken behaviour that she seems like a good kid who does well in life. So it’s just the drink. I’ve had a young man in my care (fostered) who was an absolute delight. Loved school, had nice friends, aspirations for his future and just completely lovely. But if he come into contact with alcohol then he couldn’t just have one drink, or stop when he felt drunk. He’d literally drink himself into a stupor and then get into trouble or be picked up by ambulance. Some people are just like this. Ones never enough and they have no limits. The only way he stays ok is to not have that first drink. we helped him get some counselling that was specific to alcoholism. He’s been doing ok (mid twenties now). He last drank at his 21st and it didn’t end well. It’s been two years since then and he’s not drank. He understands that if he does that it doesn’t end well. It’s awful and I feel for you op x

I work with young people (some with drug/alcohol issues). With you are very good - they somewhat realistically don't tell young to stop but work on harm reduction and safe usage. https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

Can you make an appointment with the GP and go alone and chat with them about it, see if they can give any advice ? It must be so worrying and I’d be at a loss as you are. Is she out with kids of her own age? If so they’re all really young to be drinking, where do they get the money from? Do you know any of the parents?

Maybe to check her drink hadn’t been spiked? I

These are good questions to be asking I think. I’d want to know how much she’d actually drunk ( difficult to know obviously) and where they got the money from to buy it and who actually bought it. I mean every time you buy alcohol theres an age check isn’t there? So who’s buying it?

Agree with the pp who have suggested anxiety/neurodiversity. But I would also be suspicious that there's been some kind of trauma you don't know about. Persistently drinking until blackout drunk is extreme at 15. Ask yourself when and how this began and what preceded it in her life, any other behavioural changes, any incidents etc. I would regard this as a mental health emergency combined with a terrible coping mechanism rather than bad behaviour.

Would CBT be worth a try? It could potentially help her change the way she thinks about drinking

My sister was like your DD as a teen, she's 35 now, a proffesional, a new mother, and she still goes and gets black out drunk. I very rarely drink with her as she always takes it too far

Dreadful and dangerous behaviour.

OP does she know about the poor young woman who was repeatedly raped and killed while lying unconscious on a park bench? She really is taking appalling risks.

Get in touch with your GP, she’s on her way to alcoholism. There were a lot alcoholics on my mother’s side of the family and they were like that from a very early age. It seemed to be a twist of fate whether you were able to drink alcohol normally or not in that family. Most were dead in their 40s early 50s after very successful high functioning careers- (pharmacists vets judges) or running lucrative businesses while at their home life was a shit show. It’s best she confronts this now gains acceptance that drugs and alcohol are toxic to her and she needs to get help.

This isn't the point of the thread, but where were that couple taking your daughter?
Im asking because it has happened to a young relative of mine who had run away. A young couple scooped her up and drove her around town...
I have never understood WHY? If you're faced with a child in any distress/unusual situation, would you not call emergency services?

This is definitely a very possible situation. Grooming /sexual assault often precede this type of behaviour. Extreme change in personality and behaviour- and yes often with an undiagnosed neurodiversity too. We have been in this situation and it can get even worse. Get all the agencies on board-particularly Social services Early Intervention- helpful as much for you as your dd

This was very similar to me too, down to the high achiever by day but drunk by night (though I basically stopped drinking during my alevels then started up again once I had got through those).
I don't know what the answer was but I didn't much enjoy being like this. Now in adulthood I drink v little and almost entirely sensibly, but to mid 20s it was all a bit of a mess.

I would aim for support rather than punishment. And, tbf, even though I wish my parents had stepped in a bit more, the fact they were chilled did mean I was able to call them if I needed e.g. if I missed last bus home, and I was kept safe because they were there for me.

I agree that a psychoeducation/harm reduction approach may be more likely to connect rather than and out and out abstinence - I understand she is only 15 but teens will drink/use drugs as they always have.

I’ve also wondered about a genetic type difference that means some people just don’t metabolise alcohol well and don’t seem to be able to drink moderately. Not every substance is a good fit for everyone.

Having said that most teens will drink too much and get ill/blackout until they learn their limits eventually.

Quoting this because it is all accurate. I was a teenager who drank and smoked weed from 15 onwards but not with my parents knowledge because there would’ve been war and I never would’ve been able to forget it if I had gotten into the state you describe your daughter in. You are not unreasonable at all for being concerned and I commend you as parents for doing your best to keep her safe.

Like your daughter I was going through stuff as a teen, because well adjusted happy kids simply don’t do this. I’m not blaming you as parents, your daughter could be depressed, struggling with fitting in socially or she could be simply bored. I would give the counselling a second go and try to get a female therapist if possible this time, it’s likely your daughter didn’t feel comfortable opening up to a man about her feelings or why she drinks.

I would stop all sleepovers for now unless they take place at your house, it’s obvious that you can’t trust your daughter to not drink herself into oblivion and the last thing any of you need is for her to get herself into a situation where God forbid something worse happens her while she’s under the influence of alcohol.

Your daughter needs some new hobbies that don’t involve alcohol, has she thought about trying a new sport, dance class or something creative? At that age I was into karate and athletics, it didn’t stop me from drinking but it went a long way towards helping me meet other people and distracting me from the negative environment I was otherwise immersed in.

If you are worried about her upcoming 16th birthday, suggest a family meal where she can invite her friends or a party at home where you can supervise things. Maybe she could have a couple of friends stay over for the night too? In any case I would not let her have free rein over what she does after this -she needs to know actions have consequences and that keeping herself safe is more important than any birthday. By all means let her celebrate it but with your supervision as parents and in an environment where getting blackout drunk is not possible, even if they have a couple of drinks.

There's a pill your gp can prescribe that will make her unable to consume alcohol. I'd be getting it and then telling her she's not allowed out unless she swallows it.
It hopefully will all come good eventually. I had two friends like this. Blackout drunk on every night out. We always looked after them and made sure they came to no harm. One is a doctor and the other a dentist now, with husbands and children and barely ever have a drink.

How long has your daughter been doing this? What happened prior to this change in your daughter's behaviour? How much is she actually drinking? Where is the alcohol coming from? Are all her friends behaving the same way?! In my view it's not normal for a happy 15 year old to go out with friends and get so drunk she passes out. However, an unhappy teenager or one who's suffering from abuse, grooming, county lines, bullying etc could very well be using alcohol as an emotional crutch. An anxious, overwhelmed teenager, who struggles socially or to 'fit in', could equally use alcohol to make herself feel more confident, and appear 'cool'. Your daughter is heading down the path of alcoholism, if she doesn't get to grips with professional help. I think you need to seek help from a alcoholism organisation, and seek CBT therapy with someone who specialises in alcohol dependency. You could ask for Early Help via SS too. We have a family member in my husband's extended family who's had a drug and alcohol addiction since his teenage years - he's now 40. It's been horrendous, and I wouldn't wish it on any family.

That is weird. I would let her sit in the back if she had no shoes on, but then call the police.

That must be so terrifying for you.
Does your daughter have any understanding of the dangers her behaviour holds?
Do you know of any underlying reasons she may be acting in this way?
How is a 15 yr old getting hold of enough alcohol to drink to blackout?

This sounds like my dds best friend, the parents don't seem to be doing fuck all. Out every weekend drunk, sleeping in the bus shelter or a random person's caravan. It's terrifying.

Ok OP, i am going to tell you it like it is. You are a weak, ineffectual parent, who can't hold a boundary to save their life- so afraid of standing yo to daughter you would rather put her at risk.

It’s been a cycle for the past year. She goes out and gets so drunk she passes out.

This is the 4th time strangers have intervened

FOUR TIMES IN A YEAR!!
So after the first time it happened you believed her when she said it wouldn't happen again, and the second time, and the third time?? And now it has happened a 4th time - who would have known? You are either terminally stupid, or you are too weak to say no to to her. I think this tells us which :
"it’s her 16th birthday next month and she is going to go crazy if I say she can’t go out.".
Well cry me a river!

Your daughter can twist you round her little finger. You mentioned that she just said what the therapist wanted to hear, but you don't seem to have twigged she
does exactly the same to you.
It is because you cant hold a boundary that she is so immature and irresponsible!