I am wondering if your dd is perhaps neurodivergent? Perhaps undiagnosed? She sounds to be sensory seeking and unaware of her physical and mental health needs.
Unfortunately all you can do right now is have cast iron boundaries. I know what a worry it is. My 17 yo dd is vulnerable for different reasons (and possibly neurodivergent, the ASD assessments are booked) and dh and I have to parent very differently to the average teen parent. Every time I get rudeness or the door slammed in my face, I take her phone for an hour. She tried to walk out of the house a couple of months ago. It was dark and very cold and I had to physically restrain her. She needed, even subconsciously wanted, me to do this because she needed me to help her regulate. She also has to get permission to do stuff and is grounded sometimes, that regulates her.
Dd is naturally quite independent in her thinking even if she depends on me so much. And if we grounded her almost all of the time, this would have the opposite effect. We go for better the boundaries to get her being nicer and more cooperative with the things she needs to do.
So I wonder if what is missing with your dd is the carrot because you seem to be giving the stick a lot then as soon as she is allowed to do something, she goes wild so she possibly needs baby step carrots rather than being allowed out all in one go. Take the example of going shopping with her friends in the afternoon to a local shopping centre then perhaps back to her friend’s house for tea and picked up at 6 or 7 latest. ‘Ok sweetheart, we are going to let you do x. And we want you back at y place at z time sober and to be honest and open about where you have been and what you have done. This is a test and depending on how well you do will depend on whether you will be able to do this again. Because we need to be able to see that you can keep yourself safe. So please take the time between now and x day when you go out to think about how you can keep yourself safe.’ Then you remind your dd. Then you thank her for being in the right place at the right time (if she manages it). Then you build on it. Slowly. So you do that again. Then next time she gets to go to the local city, maybe has lunch out then comes back at a set time etc. Then when you think she’s trustworthy, a sleepover.
If she doesn’t succeed, heavy guns of disappointment won’t work. Very much do this from a place of love. You have 1-2 years to get this right. As for feedback to her, you can be a bit sad that things didn’t go to plan. You can see that she wasn’t quite ready for that. And you can talk about doing things differently another time. And maybe when she’s sobered up and the dust has settled, you can ask her if she has any ideas how to manage this one. She may not though. And if there is failure, you let her earn something perhaps a little more manageable next time. And hopefully if you can all get the balance right, she will succeed.
Dd does chores and earns stuff. This is important to move her forward and to reduce the controlling behaviour... she has always tried to control me from age 4, perhaps younger. So for example she’s away and now asleep in a hotel with a friend having been to a rave (dd is 17 and year 13). For that she had to do a bunch of things related to her specialist needs to move her on. Ongoing we’ve instigated things like studying 3 hours at a weekend and 1 hour in the evening Monday-Thurs, stacking the dishwasher and tidying the kitchen a few times a week, emptying her bin twice a week. The studying is new and we are in the process of cracking it btw. She needs to do this get very high grades for the course she really wants to do but isn’t capable yet of instilling the self discipline.
This all perhaps sounds a bit controlling to most. But absolutely necessary if dd is going to be able to look after herself, which she isn’t capable of doing right now. And we are doing this with specialist advice btw.
We are perhaps 18 months / 2 years or so ahead of you and dd is coming up 18 and also fixed on the idea she will move out at 18 on the dot. You don’t have long. And these are the years, where kids really start to go off the rails if not given boundaries. And your dd needs more boundaries, not fewer because she is vulnerable. My dd’s lovely friend now is pretty ill, waif thin, pregnant, engaged and living with a violent / controlling drug user. He loves her and in essence he is a nice person. But the baggage…
You and your dh need to be seamless in this. Right now you’re fire fighting. This is how I am approaching it with dd. Lots and lots and lots of love and ‘love bombing’, messages with kisses and hearts about how much dd is loved. Encouraging dd to spend family time (this doesn’t happen much). Drip feeding all of the stuff dd needs to learn about life. Eg
- several boy discussions on various themes eg being first choice rather than an option, careful of being used for sex, a lot of small conversations about how some boys/ men are because I could see some big red flags from a lad, who was love bombing her but she still months later is struggling to see what he’s really like… living examples from what happened with her friends, people we know etc. And we have dd’s friend over and it’s really useful to talk to her about stuff in front of dd
- friendships and who she spends time with being people, who should have her back because she is vulnerable even if she doesn’t feel that way,
- condoms. A lot of teens think it’s not cool to use them btw…
- about how dd gets to decide the level of freedom she has based on how much she can participate in the stuff she needs to be doing to move her forward
- loving and respecting herself etc
I write notes and scripts in my phone to deliver them to dd. And ask dh to deliver some as well. But it’s mainly me as I have the time, the guts to do it when dh just wants an easy life, and the attention to detail.