To be at my wits end with 15 year old dd and latest escapade

[Flyingpigsleigh]

She wa allowed out tonight to go to friends house. We are strict with her as every single time she gets the chance she gets blackout drunk and endangers herself. It’s been a cycle for the past year. She goes out and gets so drunk she passes out. We ground her. She’s told she can gradually work up to going out again under certain conditions, eg keeps in touch, keeps her location on, keeps us informed of movements. She absolutely swore blind she was just going to a friends house and I dropped her off there at 8. All okay and she kept in touch and location showed her there. DH went to pick her up at 1230. Suddenly her location started moving from high street near her friends house and it was clear she was in a car. DH had to intercept her by chasing after the car using her location. She’d been picked up by nice people thankfully - a mum dad and daughter who sw her wandering barefoot down the street!!! Didn’t get much sense out of her but she said she fell out with friends.

Thus is the 4th time strangers have intervened and the 2nd time she’s got in a car with strangers. I feel physically sick at how this could have turned out tonight. She absolutely promised she was just going to be at her friends house. Her friend is quite sensible so I thought she would be okay.

it’s her 16th birthday next month and she is going to go crazy if I say she can’t go out but every single time we life restrictions she does this.

She’s seen a counsellor but tbh I think she just told him what she thought she should say and he thought so too.

I don’t know what to do.

OP I'm not looking for an excuse for her, but what do you think the root is of her needing to escape?
Is she anxious? Is she neurodivergent? Is she struggling with something at school? At home? I ask because every single person i know with an issue with alcohol atleast starts off with it making them feel calmer, happier, and like its an escape. To combat the drinking issue, I think she needs to be able to connect with WHY she is drinking this way.

Secondly, where is she getting the drink? Who is providing her with it? Is there someone potentially grooming DD by way of providing her alcohol? What are your rules around alcohol?
In my house, at about 14, I'd say to DD you can have the odd beer and it was less of a big deal when people offered her alcohol outside of the house and she would say no in those situations as part of our openness about alcohol we discussed that it was a way that "unsafe" people may disarm her.

She obviously has been told that she has been quite lucky to have not had anything bad happen to her drinking the way that she is. For now, I would be focusing on getting a GP appointment, they should be able to advise you on services for young people with these issues, referrals for assessments if you think she's neurodivergent, or referrals to young people's mental health services if you think that this may be anxiety related.
I would also be hosting anything your DD does with her friends. This isn't about punishment, but containing the situation so she remains as safe as possible.

This is not normal behaviour considering the frequency and severity and that she is a high achiever intellectually.
She sounds very troubled.
I'd be looking at putting her back in counselling. It can take a while to find the right counsellor.
I'd also be looking at whether she might have ADHD. This can cause anxiety and impulsive behaviour through sensory seeking
Definitely she needs firmer boundaries around going out. Yes shes going to be angry but whatever is going on with her she clearly isn't in control of it. You can't trust her because she cany trust herself. I'm sure she has no intention of ending up in these states but clearly she isn't able to cope with the freedom shes being given

next time she’s drunk, drop her off outside a police station and let her spend the night in a cell. She’s an idiot for risking her life like this.

Please could you confirm where the medical emergancy is in the OPs post to warrant going to accident & emergancy?

This 100 %

I would very much think anxiety is at the root too. There are a couple of extremely well written answers on here describing what this is like for drinking behaviour in teens.

I also had similar experiences: educationally bright but very lost and socially anxious. I used alcohol as as crutch and didn't know how to stop loading more of the feeling of relief it brought so got to stupid states. I was saved by finding a partner from a less boozy background but am still very lost; life is very, very hard for me and my self esteem rock bottom now as the only other solution I've found is retreating into family.

Try and sort the anxiety stuff as soon as you can and keep guiding her well into adult life. My parents moved to a very rural place a long distance away when I was at university and retrospectively I still really, really needed the adult help that I thought I didn't want.

I am sending you a big hug, such a hard situation for you all and I know how worried and stressed you must be - I’ve been in a similar situation with my then 14 year old dd who went totally off the rails for a period of time.

Won’t go into the details of my situation but we did a lot of what you did and also put in, after professional advice, a safety / trust plan.

It basically worked on the basis that we wanted to trust but she had to show we could. All our alcohol at home was removed / locked away. So step 1 was very restricted- only allowed to have friends to ours, door open, no sleepovers at ours or friends, no going out, phone removed over night, no access to money etc for a given period of time - eg 3 weeks, then if no incidents / rules broken move to step 2 which removed some restrictions eg could got to a friends house who we knew or who we had adult number for and we would call first to check, could go out with friends if adult accompanied them and so on like this with each step giving a little more freedom. Any deviation from the plan would result in going back a step for a set period depending on the breach. It was all written down and shared with her and we were all clear.

it wasn’t perfect, there was push back and set backs, but it really helped me feel less lost and more grounded in how I responded and consistent in what was allowed or what the consequence was for things going wrong. We are nearly a year past this time now and life is much much calmer.

i would also agree with other posters regarding your dds mental health / emotional wellbeing. My DD was highly anxious, stressed and struggling - it took us a long time to understand there was a lot going on for her and that this wasn’t just defiance, she was a mess. We also had a lot of school refusal etc, and not saying this would be your dd, but she has recently had an assessment and has a diagnosis of autism.

There are drug / alcohol youth organisations that work with children, and CAMHs if you can handle the long wait - my dd refused to engage with any form of support / counselling etc but if yours is open it may be worth seeing if you can find a different person for your dd or speaking to school or gp as they may also have services in school or that they can refer to.

Apologies for the long message, I just wanted to share as I know how hard and lonely this can feel. If you want to ask more or want a copy of our safety / trust plan I am happy to share, please dm me.

I was very similar to your daughter and drank extremely heavily- most weekends- from the age of around 14 to 16, and regularly to the point of severe vomiting and blacking out. I was otherwise a very well behaved and an academically high achieving child. I got into so many high risk situations, and was ‘rescued’ by complete strangers several times. I was sexually assaulted many times, and taken complete advantage of by numerous older men.

Getting to the bottom of what is driving her to behave in this way is absolutely the critical step, but it won’t be easy and may just not be possible.

My situation is different in that my parents didn’t really care what I was up to, and certainly didn’t punish me. The only reason I was able to get alcohol at all was because they either bought it for me, or gave me money for me to get it myself. We’re going back 23 odd years now so times were different to an extent, but I still find it baffling as they were otherwise very loving and supportive parents. I think they both drank in parks a lot as teenagers in the 70s and just thought it was typical teenage behaviour?!

It’s hard to know what, if anything, would have worked to address my drinking, but it was definitely driven in my case by depression, anxiety, and very poor self-esteem and confidence. I was very unpopular with my peers at my all girls’ school and I also had an eating disorder at that time and was extremely underweight. I was absolutely desperate for male attention (and got it very easily when drunk) and it was the only thing which validated me. Being drunk gave me confidence to interact with others in a way I perceived as being fun and outgoing in a way that I just couldn’t achieve when sober.

I think anything which would have boosted my self-worth, and which would have addressed the underlying anxiety and depression, may have helped. There is no way that being told about the health consequences of drinking would have done anything, nor would shaming me by- for example- taking photos of videos of me while I was in a state. I couldn’t have cared less about those things.

In my case, I’m afraid to say I only grew out of it because I moved onto taking different drugs when I went to college at 16 and made friends with a really decent group of peers, albeit ones who liked to party, and getting my first boyfriend who was lovely. This itself offered me validation, as did continuing to achieve very highly academically and growing in confidence in my learning. The drug taking had nothing to do with poor self-esteem etc, but simply because I was young and it was extremely fun. I had some extremely good times. Honestly though, I still think my taking a bit of MDMA at weekends was considerably safer than getting blackout drunk, and none of the drugs I took ever put me in anything like as risky a situation as getting blackout drunk.

I had largely grown out of all drug taking by the time I was 21 and finishing uni (where it had no impact on my attainment or ability to hold down a job) and though I had some heavy drinking times particularly in first year of uni, I was largely sensible. I rarely drink now in my 30s, don’t take drugs at all, and haven’t done for years.

I used to do the same at her age, though certainly not everytime I went out. I outgrew it, and barely drink now. Thankfully none of my teens drank much, 17yr old DD hates the taste of alcohol. I would sit her down and have a proper chat why she feels the need to do this.

I think your DD is showing you she cannot self regulate & that alcohol is having a hugely disinhibiting, dysregulating effect on her that simply trying to behave is not going to quel it. I second other posters’ advice re possible ND. She may be masking so much that alcohol & the transition of friendships, relationships, and this time in her life is all adding to the stress & dysregulation. She is completely letting go when under the influence. I’d be seriously wanting to intervene so as to protect her from the damage that this emotional time bomb could have in store for her as she fledges the nest. She needs to understand what’s going on with her & learn ways to self regulate & her vulnerability to alcohol. It’s v tricky esp as going out & drinking is seen as a normal rite of passage.

I have four kids, now grown up. We always taught them to be responsible with alcohol and not to drink to the point of not being able to conduct themselves properly and safely. Also to be with a group of friends they trust if they are going to be drinking. We also had an open door policy in regard to their friends. If they feel comfortable coming to your house, you get to see the kind of kids your children are hanging out with.
i don’t have much context, but it seems to me that maybe she is stressed by being a high achiever at school and whenever she can, she is letting her hair down, but in a totally unsafe way. Just talk to her about what’s bothering her. You need to try to build bridges here and see what’s at the root of the problem. Explain to her that not being in control of her own self and relying on literal strangers is a recipe for disaster and that understandably you are really worried about her. Just grounding her is probably making her rebel even more.

What a scary situation

And i imagine scary for your DD too, feeling out of control

Boundaries / grounding may be limited help as she may sneak out of the house, or drink in the park when she should be at school

And being super strict / disapproving may discourage her from opening up

Ultimately, as a adult she can do what she likes, so I'd focus on encouraging her to make good choices for herself, as well as trying to prevent her from making bad choices

I think my focus would be on educating her about the risks of alcohol abuse, seeking professional help, keeping her busy with pro social habits eg sport or a part time job, encouraging positive friendships (responsible parents don't buy booze for children) and most importantly, identifying why booze is attractive to her. What need is it addressing? All behaviour is communication. Is she drinking due to anxiety, trauma, wanting to feel grown up?

And where is she getting alcohol? It's an offence to sell to U18s. I hammered home to my DC that it was unreasonable to put a shop assistant at risk of losing their job and livelihood by trying to buy alcohol

Do you and DH drink alcohol? We're role models for our children so it's important to model a healthy relationship and lifestyle

Could your older children help by talking to her?

Good luck x

Make her watch ‘Rain in my heart’ on BBC iPlayer.

Next month sounds too soon to risk a repeat, given so little time to seek to make plans or improvements. It could be the time she loses or discards her phone so you can't track her.

This is a lot at 15. How difficult. She has to understand what the issues are.

I normally hate the instant shrieks of neurodiversity! But this was me at 15 and it went on until my mid 20s. I got excellent grades at A Level, studied at a top university, got a place on a great grad scheme etc but was incapable of moderating my drinking, dabbled with drugs, was promiscuous and got myself in some really dangerous situations.

I’ve since been diagnosed with ADHD and it all makes sense. I was impulsive, constantly seeking some kind of high, and risky behavior and excessive drinking seemed to somehow soothe my brain which was always noisy and running at a million miles a second.

I saw how upset and worried my mum was but in all honesty, I never fully absorbed it and there’s not much she could have said that would have made any difference.

I would look into ADHD and anxiety and see if any of it resonates.

I’d make a GP appointment for her and not tell her why she needs to go. Then bring up alcohol problems while she’s there. She likely will not be scared by this to stop drinking to be honest but you will be referred to the right services.

She sounds a bit like a family member (not DC) was at that age. Getting very drunk/smoking weed/running away from home:unsavoury bfs etc. Her DPs were at their wits end.

Now she’s in her early 20s she’s had a nice bf for a few years, is earning good money, still lives at home (DPs make it attractive for her but spends a lot of time at the boyfs).

Looking back we now know she was unhappy, had some disordered eating (at one point was very thin), but she turned it around.I also had friend who would get extremely drunk at parties (a bit older) and again? They were having a bad time mentally.

So I’d say therapy is a very good idea if she’s receptive to it. If you can afford it, go private. The waiting list for CAMHs is as long as your arm.

Good luck, it’s so tricky, but she will come out the other side.

This was probably more common in my old days, well alcohol on parks, but yes risky and scary and may seem more minor but for her potentially losing her friends, being hugely embarrassed (important at 15)
I think a good approach is for her to learn to do it safely as she’s unlikely to stop and this is actually mainly the approach of professionals such as drug and alcohol teams.
A friend’s child had a DAAT worker at around 15 and it was very much ‘stay safe’ eg/ around some houses to avoid and why, how to be drinking without puking, also info that would defo have put me off a bit eg/ dealers urinating on speed to give it a smell of higher strength/authenticity 🤢 - I can’t say the child instantly acted on it all, but I do think it helped them be a bit safer and ultimately they stopped any drugs and Ltd alcohol - knowledge is a useful thing that stays with us and helps if not immediately.
I’m not sure teens like their parents ‘knowing best’ (obviously you do here) so a worker would be ideal - but resources are fewer now. Maybe try and find if there’s a DAAT team, stay safe project or similar around, maybe school knows or could assist? I do think punishment such as grounding or rules like in early are fine alongside as she’s breaking your rules and there are consequences and I believe that helps kids feel secure, much as they may say otherwise.
Anyway, I feel for you - I’d try not to worry in between whilst she’s grounded and safe though try and get support - this as it’s so draining and you actually need your energy for when she is actually doing this/needs urgent support so staying heightened all the time doesn’t help any of you - just a coping mechanism that may help. You sound incredibly balanced and supportive and take credit for that and be kind to yourselves. Kids are people with their own drives, ways to do stuff and determination to do it whatever - actually most survive under incredibly risky scenarios when we think about it, from babies upward.

Lots of good advice here which I won't repeat, but I would be incredibly blunt with her about the risk of sexual assault. She was very lucky to be picked up by decent people. Things could have been much worse. I know it's an awful conversation to have with a 15yo, but she needs to hear it.

Also re university, how does she plan to fund all the partying?

Some great advice on here op.

To address the 16th birthday issue, I would advise her that she is not to go out for it on the basis that she clearly cannot keep herself safe, rather than stating it as a punishment.

15 year old gets so drunk she blacks out! As well as the more long term advice here, I think you need to take whatever practical steps you can to keep her away from alcohol.

She’s 15? Why would she ever need to be out past 8pm? My daughter goes to town with her friends in the day or sometimes they come here. She’s 15 and never goes out in the evening except maybe to the cinema and I drop off and pick up for that. Your daughter may think she needs “nights out” but clearly she can’t be trusted so just stop them. She can hang with her friends at yours or during the daytime but no parties as she won’t behave, end of.

She has been getting blackout drunk since she was 14? How exactly? Whilst my eldest is only 10, we are surrounded by so many teenagers in our family and friends circle. They are all lovely young teens, many babysit responsibly for us, one tutors our kid in advanced maths, all are heavily involved in some form of sport requiring numerous evenings of practice a week, and we know all the parents. We don’t see how any of them access alcohol this way and get black out drunk from 14?

I’m glad she’s safe. You & your husband worked fast there. Well done. Watch something on sex trafficking with her to help open her eyes to how she’s leaving herself so utterly vulnerable. My friend has a daughter of a similar age who goes hard with partying, unlike her other children. She has ADHD. It’s about the bingeing. You know she can’t be trusted now so you won’t be fooled so easily next time.x

Good luck.