To be at my wits end with 15 year old dd and latest escapade

[Flyingpigsleigh]

She wa allowed out tonight to go to friends house. We are strict with her as every single time she gets the chance she gets blackout drunk and endangers herself. It’s been a cycle for the past year. She goes out and gets so drunk she passes out. We ground her. She’s told she can gradually work up to going out again under certain conditions, eg keeps in touch, keeps her location on, keeps us informed of movements. She absolutely swore blind she was just going to a friends house and I dropped her off there at 8. All okay and she kept in touch and location showed her there. DH went to pick her up at 1230. Suddenly her location started moving from high street near her friends house and it was clear she was in a car. DH had to intercept her by chasing after the car using her location. She’d been picked up by nice people thankfully - a mum dad and daughter who sw her wandering barefoot down the street!!! Didn’t get much sense out of her but she said she fell out with friends.

Thus is the 4th time strangers have intervened and the 2nd time she’s got in a car with strangers. I feel physically sick at how this could have turned out tonight. She absolutely promised she was just going to be at her friends house. Her friend is quite sensible so I thought she would be okay.

it’s her 16th birthday next month and she is going to go crazy if I say she can’t go out but every single time we life restrictions she does this.

She’s seen a counsellor but tbh I think she just told him what she thought she should say and he thought so too.

I don’t know what to do.

Is there any chance there is some sort of exploitation/grooming going on? Or her friends getting her drink deliberately? Does she always get drunk on the same sort of situation, ie out with certain friends, of are the circumstances variable?

I did think this. I had a brilliant best friend at 16 and we looked out for each other when we were going (underage) clubbing. You can't forcibly separate late teens from their friends though so I'm not sure what the solution is.

Was it the sensible friend she fell out with?

I would personally take her phone for a month. Only a brick replacement for keeping in touch. Not allowed out of the house for three months. No birthday celebrations without you or dad. You pick up and drop off from school. If it happens again, grounded to 17. You have to be very tough on this behaviour, it’s not long until she’s 18 and she’s an adult, you’ll have much less influence then.

This is possible.

I think a conversation with the DSL (safeguarding lead) at DD's school in the New Year would be a smart idea.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but Dd was a bit like this.She is now 19 on a gap year 3AAAs at A- level, aspiring medical student, has a job, a driving liscense and is honestly great. Hold on in 3 years she will be out the other side. Adolescence is brutal.

She also spent a lot of yr9 grounded.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. I was a bit like this as a teen but luckily all my friends parents were pretty good and would not have allowed us to do this. We were allowed to drink for special occasions but it was done at our house or at a friends house and was limited to 1 or 2 drinks.

Could you host her 16th at your house? That way you can make sure she isn’t getting drunk. She is 15/16 and really shouldn’t be drinking, are all her friends getting blind drunk too? Are their parents allowing it?

Can really relate to everything you’ve posted and was also going to suggest the same. Counselling isn’t much help in this scenario, psychotherapy is the way to go. I hope you are able to get your daughter the help and resource’s she needs.

Agree with others re anxiety, mental health issues and/or ND. Children don’t tend to misuse alcohol for no reason.
Yes, it can be that they just drank more than they could handle which most teenagers do at some point, but doing so repeatedly points to possibly another issue.

Keep going to therapy, even if she’s not engaging now it will still be helpful. A good therapist should be able to work around what you tell them is the truth and what she’s saying. Also is the counsellor experienced in youths?

If it was me, in between the grounding and arguments etc I would be trying to spend more time with her. Arranging some excursions even to the shops and for coffee. Talking and listening and trying to strengthen your relationship as much as possible. She won’t engage with you if all there is is conflict and ultimately she’s a child and when they are going through a hard time they need someone there for them.

Also, you have to decide whether to involve the gp at this stage, but be aware that having alcohol related issues (which may go down as addiction) on medical notes can have repercussions later in life. I’m not saying don’t go to the gp because if someone needs help then they should get the help regardless , but it’s helpful to be aware of this.

Adhd? Autism masking. These are real possibilities Do some research on those.

Drugs and booze are coping mechanisms

Particularly as you say high achiever but has no impulse control

It's not that you can't, it's simply that A&E is not the appropriate solution. A&E is for emergency care in the moment. The girl in question didn't need emergency medical intervention. If OP wants support from services, the correct route would be via her GP.

Have you posted about her antics before because this scenario has definitely been posted previously.
Go back to the GP, unfortunately you’re going to have to stop her going out full stop with her circle of friends, not grounding her as such but lots of activities that do not centre around the friends that either leave her when she is in a complete state or participating in things that she feels pressured to join in with, but trusted grown ups and getting her involved in hobbies that enable to meet knew people.
If you are the person that has posted before this behaviour is as you rightly say very dangerous and isn’t the first time she has been helped by strangers, got ont their cars. At some point unfortunately she will come across someone who is going to take advantage of the state she is in and it will have life long consequences.

Tie her to a chair and prop her eyes open Clockwork Orange style and make her watch this to ram home the consequences of getting blind drunk and separated from your friends. Make sure she understands that white men rape incapacitated drunk girls too.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1117930773571309

You can't trust her , she puts herself in danger . Stop letting her out and get her some counselling to help with the drinking and whatever lies beneath that . I'd speak to friends parents and find out what actually happened.

I would research like hell and find a specialist in teen MH in this area and send her to them. This is really serious and beyond a teenage escapade. Have had teens similar age with lots of friends and none have behaved like this at this level.. So sorry for you as parents what a nightmare.

My husband was a terror and at huge risk to himself and others when he was a teen. Three things he insisted on with our own kids:

1. If they phone / come home when they've screwed up, then NEVER have a go at them otherwise they'll simply stop phoning / coming home and that's dangerous. Apparently, his mom would lose her shit (scream down the phone / be raging whenever he finally turned up) and so he just disappeared one day when he was 15 and it took his dad 3 months to find him.
2. Let them do things at home that you don't want them to do because home is way safer than wherever they think they need to be to engage in whatever activity. In other words, no secrets.
3. Elect a favourite auntie or uncle (a good friend of ours not a blood relative) who they know will have their back / help them out if something goes wrong and they can't turn to us. Everyone needs somewhere to go in an emergency, i.e. another adult who they can trust.

Like, we didn't agree on this strategy at all. I thought it sent the completely wrong message about boundaries. Far too liberal. BUT it worked. We only ever had two incidents, one involving a summer party + lots of antihistamines + Lambrini = blackout drunk (15 y/o kiddo didn't know about antihistamines and alcohol) and another (different kid) who phoned the 'trusted adult' when they found themselves at risk with a boy at a party, trusted adult was straight round there and extracted them from the situation with no harm done.

The kids are all in their 30s now. Two-way communication was key for us.

Therapy is no use unless she wants to change and I see no indication of that. If anything, I would suggest the OP has therapy to be able to cope with these challenges and reflect on next steps.

For the daughter though, there’s no point unless she is actually distressed and I don’t see that she is bothered by any of this.

Really? I think that says a lot more about you and the mentality of your friendship group than it does about OP’s daughter.

In my kids’ friends group, someone would get black out drunk two or three times and then they are going to get told.:
“No you can’t come out with us if you are going to be messy, again”,

“How come you’re always the one who is in a complete fucking state ruining everyone’s evening and are never up for being the sensible friend.”,

“I think you just need to stop drinking”
“Shall I call your Mum or do you want an Uber.”,

“No, I didn’t have a nice time, because you vomited on me. It’s actually gross”
Even “it was really shitty of you to walk off shouting at us like that, we all got kicked out because of you.”

The idea of going out is to have a nice time, and OP’s daughter is ruining it for everyone. She has no sense. And she has absolutely no sense of what she’s like to be around, or even worse she is aware and gives not a shit, because she knows that she can put herself into any level of danger and her friends will be held at fault for not stopping her, in completing her mission of getting obliterated drunk. The friends may feel a sense of responsibility to try to keep OP’s daughter safe, but that is difficult to execute when someone feels zero responsibility to themselves and is determined to put themselves in what they have been taught in harms way. And that’s before you go near asking when is OP’s daughter going to be the one who goes steady with alcohol so that she can keep a lairy and determined drunk safe. (That’s right- never)

Sure she may be anxious/ND/ADHD/ whatever. There is no point in OP punishing her. But she will lose friends sooner or later over this, and as the friends parent I would not be encouraging socializing with alcohol with OP’s daughter.

This was me as a teen. I was unable to have one drink it was either none or wake up having passed out somewhere to some man doing something to me.
i don’t know what would have helped me because I was hellbent on doing what I wanted. Stay strong, this will pass and she will come out the other side.

Lots of questions here.
Where is she getting the alcohol from "every time" she goes out?
Why would a 15 year old expect to be allowed out drinking for a 16th birthday? This is not normal (or legal).
It sounds like if she had been "able to behave" (like her older siblings) this underage drinking would somehow be acceptable to the OP?
Does she have a fake ID? Or are other adults involved in somehow providing the alcohol?
How is she paying for it?

I assume it’s because it’s well known that drugs gangs use young vulnerable people, they supply them with free alcohol and drugs just enough times to get them hooked then put them out to work for their addictions.

I thought that the friends may not be the friends she thought they were. There are plenty that like to watch a mate make a twat of themselves for laughs then dump when it goes too far.
Either way getting drunk is down to the girl, nobody forces it down your throat.

Her 16th birthday would be a low key, afternoon tea at home. No going out. She would be grounded for the foreseeable. It would be put to her how does she want to move forward, do something about her behaviour or not have a social life until she is 18 plus and left home. Old enough to get tanked, old enough to sort the problem out.
Yes, I do have kids, all adult, my eldest( boy) was the type to pull this type of stunt, took a long time to get better friends. He is ND late diagnosed but ultimately responsible for his own behaviour regardless! The courts are less bothered about 'adjustments' when inevitably they start getting in trouble as a result of the booze.

She is 15 and she's got herself into scrapes so severe that strangers have had to help her out FOUR TIMES in rhe last year- and you are still letting her out on NYE!! You need to step up and parent your daughter before something really bad happens. You don't even appear to be trying to keep her safe!! (i have 4 adult children so have dealt with the teenage stage in spades)

ridiculous comment ! GP or AE for poor behaviour

What do you think A&E would do?