To be at my wits end with 15 year old dd and latest escapade

[Flyingpigsleigh]

She wa allowed out tonight to go to friends house. We are strict with her as every single time she gets the chance she gets blackout drunk and endangers herself. It’s been a cycle for the past year. She goes out and gets so drunk she passes out. We ground her. She’s told she can gradually work up to going out again under certain conditions, eg keeps in touch, keeps her location on, keeps us informed of movements. She absolutely swore blind she was just going to a friends house and I dropped her off there at 8. All okay and she kept in touch and location showed her there. DH went to pick her up at 1230. Suddenly her location started moving from high street near her friends house and it was clear she was in a car. DH had to intercept her by chasing after the car using her location. She’d been picked up by nice people thankfully - a mum dad and daughter who sw her wandering barefoot down the street!!! Didn’t get much sense out of her but she said she fell out with friends.

Thus is the 4th time strangers have intervened and the 2nd time she’s got in a car with strangers. I feel physically sick at how this could have turned out tonight. She absolutely promised she was just going to be at her friends house. Her friend is quite sensible so I thought she would be okay.

it’s her 16th birthday next month and she is going to go crazy if I say she can’t go out but every single time we life restrictions she does this.

She’s seen a counsellor but tbh I think she just told him what she thought she should say and he thought so too.

I don’t know what to do.

It may help to think of alcohol misuse as a fom of self harm, rather than rebellion

This is a child placing themselves at risk, not just typical teenager testing boundaries

It's one thing to get drunk with friends and cover for each other and pretend to be sober the next day, quite another to be wandering the streets alone.

If her friends are not supporting her either they were never her friends to begin with, or her alcohol abuse is so bad that they can't cope with her behaviour.

This is a mental health/substance abuse problem, not just normal teenage shenanigans

I was also like this as a teenager, and in my early 20s, my parents only knew a handful of times as I was good at hiding it. But I didn’t know how to control drinking and I wanted to be drunk to be happy and have fun.

I haven’t ever been an addict, by the way, so this behaviour doesn’t always lead to that. I also got “lucky” and nothing terrible happened when I was drunk, but my behaviour was dangerous and makes me feel afraid when I think about it now.

I could have done with seeing a counsellor. For me, I was depressed (without a label for it) and neurodivergent (ADHD with no diagnosis), living in a family that punished whining or doing badly at school. I also had an anxiety disorder that was pretty bad then (no name for that either).

I don’t know if having therapy for all of that would have stopped my childish brain from drinking too much too fast and getting stupidly drunk, but it would have helped me like myself.

Shouting and shaming won’t work. It didn’t on me. When my parents bring up how I was as a teenager now (the handful of times they knew about it), I feel resentment that I can’t properly explain. But getting her some really kind help might.

It’s not fair on the friends. They are just kids themselves. This is way beyond their pay grade and needs parental (and probably professional) intervention.

You don’t know why to do?

Try parenting for starters.

OP I haven’t read this whole thread but my friend was like this. For some reason her and her family had an inability to notice when they had too much to drink, so they’d drink and then black out. This differed from me and others I know who would feel drunk or get sick etc, my friend just didn’t have any natural response to alcohol and therefore drunk way too much and suddenly was catatonic. I think it’s a medical/genetic thing.

Have you actually educated her about drugs and alcohol?

@Tpu on OP’s previous thread there was the suggestion that at least one or two of DD’s friends were not actually very nice friends, and were deliberately getting her drunk then mocking her, or leaving her (in parks, by herself in town, etc).

That may not be the same friends as this time, but it would be useful to know.

I think there is a backstory... She's only 15 - when did she start getting drunk like this, and where she gets the alcohol from?? What is she seeing the counsellor for? Is she taking anything else? Who does she hang out with if this behaviour is normalised?

I'd assume she's mentally younger for her age and will struggle to stick to any agreed rules, regardless of her promises so would take these with a pinch of salt. She has poor risk awareness and emotion regulation. Also, I'd reconsider your boundaries - yes she needs support and understanding but also taking some responsibility for her actions, and face the consequences of these, e.g. involving Police if she goes missing, limit on phone use, limited 16th birthday celebration or grounding.

Did you speak with her school how she behaves there, and to her counsellor?

Op this sounds so hard , I was awful at this age , but i had a lot of trauma mainly homelife (mutliple divorces, mums bf , bullied). I was also raped and didn't tell anyone , has anything happend you might not be aware of it ? It could even seem minor to you (everyone being mean ) but feel big to her?

I went to a good school , but there was so many girls in that year also awful worse than me and your daughter. Drinking like this , but also drugs , sex etc. To give tou a bit of hope they all seem to have done well, and i think this is because fundamentally they all came from good homes just went a bit wild . I have a great job , with 2 children and loving DP.

Obviously this isn't always the case and your daughter needs support .

But from someone who has been there looking back what truly would have helped me is a stricter yet understanding mum and removing me from that situation, in fact what oddly turned the corner for me was getting sick and having to leave school in year 10, I had home tutor via the council. Nothing too serious but was very fatigued. Anyway removing me from that group changed me . I wasn't perfect but better and safer now im best friends with my Mum. I always say if either of mine ended up like me I'd remove them from the friends as much as I could. It's often the friends at that age and sadly it can shape the rest of thier life.

I mean sure, if you want to infect her with some racist views via GB News. Reported.

Exactly.
A girl aged 15 wandering the streets at night, alone, drunk and barefoot?
Wth.

Anything could’ve happened to her. In such a vulnerable position. Look at the horrific Sarah Everard case as just one example of the things some men are capable of when they see a female alone (never mind at night and vulnerable).

It’s not your fault you thought she was safe in a friends house. But now I’d expect some sort of intervention is needed. New therapist? Consequences? Explanation of the situation she put herself in - as a 15yr old she probably has no idea of how much danger she might’ve put herself in.

Good luck x

I am so sorry OP this is really tough. I am wondering if there is an alcohol support for teenagers where you are? Where we live there is a small NHS team that support 13-18 year olds with alcohol/ drugs.

I perhaps would look at changing counsellor or seeing if the council or voluntary sector can provide support to you both and DD xx

I know a few 15yo and none doing stuff like this. Remove all privileges especially the one of going out. She is behaving utterly vile and badly and doesn’t deserve the privilege of going out. She also needs help with alcohol as it’s not normal. Her friends can visit at your house, but she’s not allowed out. You need to parent her hard heee because she’s right on track to go down a very bad path.

You are right, it would be useful to know.

It should also help OP’s daughter to start thinking about having good quality friendships. Unfortunately this seems to be a case of “people’s brains don’t mature until they’re 25 or more.” and the daughter here is unwilling or unable to keep herself safe.
On that basis alone her parents will have to step in and do the thinking and keeping safe for her until she can manage it herself.

Reading the posts from those who behaved similarly, the constant is they were not to be reasoned with so other measures have to be put in place. Starting with the acceptance that the daughter will behave like this until she grows out of it, and OP’s whole family are on a damage limitation exercise.

It’s not an appropriate situation for A&E. Intervention certainly. But not that.

OP my older teen son is autistic and he used to drink when he went out to help him be more social, but he has no ability to judge when to stop. Could social anxiety play a part for your DD?

i think you need to think carefully about how you communicate with her - grounding won’t work as she gets older / goes to uni. We have a rule that you can call me, no matter what, if you need help - rather than being so afraid to get into trouble you will get into a strangers car. And no, it won’t result in you being a default drunken uber call.

Does she have addictive traits? Some people just cannot ever drink normally. It might not be “just” teenage hijnks.

what about family therapy/counselling so you can challenge her narrative in a facilitated space?

This ^^

WHY is she drinking to oblivion?

She feels bad, sad, unattractive, unfunny, unfriended or has some adhd traits or is one of a minority for whom alcohol seems to do something extra. Her friends aren’t friends if they leave her - friends don’t do that and could stay or call for help - and you aren’t strict as you let her go out. In future parties have to come to you.

She needs love, time and more counselling. The threats won’t work as she won’t care or won’t believe it will happen to her - or it has already happened and that just makes it all worse.

Hormones are not helping - it should get easier

Where is her responsibility to her friends when she goes out.
It’s quite arrogant to get so drunk she potentially leaves a friend alone.

She can’t think much of her friends if she is willing to put them and herself in danger.

I actually think that whilst she is grounded you consider talking to her about why she feels the need to get so drunk she ends up in strangers cars.

Why there is no off switch. Why she can’t go out and just not drink.
I would actually consider therapy and counselling for her because that drunkenness at that age can be more to do with other stuff going on.

I would also take photos of her around all the pubs clubs and alcohol serving establishments in the city or town her and her friends frequent and tell them she is 15 and if they serve her you will have their license removed.

I do think that it does need explaining to her that her friends will stop inviting her out after a while as she is too much drama and hard work. When they get sick of her picking fights with them or her wandering off and them taking up much of their evening worrying about her they will very soon get bored. Unless they keep her around as a figure of fun watching her get so drunk and laughing at her and filming her.

Hyperbolic much?!

Where's she getting the booze from? Do her friends supply it? Do they have an adult "friend"? Do they get as drunk as her?

If she was at a friend's home with 15 year old friends, how did they lay their hands on that much alcohol and where were the parents.

Ours had a fairly free rein, we allowed a few beers from GCSE onwards - when we were on the premises to monitor.

Whilst the dd is drinking to excess and being unreliable and putting herself in danger, this is being enabled by adults. Have the friends to your house @Flyingpigsleigh for her birthday and be there.

It's likely she may need some support vis a vis CBT, ND assessment. Please consuder getting it in place and expect to have to do so privately.

My cousin ran away from home and started drinking and doing drugs when she was about 15.

She ended up pregnant to a drug addict.

She ruined her life.

At this point I would honestly just put a stop to it all BUT I would be turning it back on her. Sit her down and explain that your job as parents is to keep her safe and healthy. Letting her go out at the moment means you can’t do that. Therefore, ask her to go away and come back to you with how you can move forward. Eg if she was the parent, what would she ask the daughter to do to prove herself before she could be trusted again.

I would also share some stories from your own teen years to explain what you experienced or saw in your own friend group and why you get worried and what you worry might happen. I’d also be vulnerable and explain that often we drink to fit in, cause we’re anxious or sad or feeling left out. And see if it opens a conversation about a deeper unhappiness.

risk taking behaviour can also be higher in autistic girls because it’s part of ‘trying to fit in’ or feeling so at odds at a world they think all their friends understand better than them.

getting involved in more hobbies can be a really great outlet where there’s lots of ‘third space’ socialising but it’s not in risky situations.

definitely say that whatever you’ve tried as a parent so far hasn’t worked and that you want her input and this will give her a sense of control and agency to help contribute to a ‘family meeting’ of new goals and rule setting.