How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

[Blueybingomum]

Dd is 18 next month.

she’s quite an innocent nearly 18 year old, doesn’t drink, doesn’t really go out and has lived abit of a sheltered life although she works full time at a nursery.

it doesn’t help that DH is autistic and probably over protective. It drives us all insane.

She has gone out with some friends tonight, her friend is driving as she doesn’t drink either.

they have gone to a few country pubs.

dh was in a foul mood all evening and has been at work in a mood regarding it. We’ve had big arguments.

how do you relax? Iv been on edge all night lol I can’t sleep, no idea what time she will be home. Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

i had her at 17 so i think im maybe projecting abit. I’m fully aware :(

do you give a curfew?

Op your daughter is an adult. There should be no curfews or rules (outside of the house). I know many parents who love their kids and think the best way to enact this is to keep them under lock and key; as innocent as possible, spending their lives working or hanging out with them at home. All of them have regretted it later in life when their child fails to launch and has no home, friends, romantic partner or true interests of their own. They worry what will happen when they’re no longer here.

Your child is now an adult and entitled to experience everything life has to offer her. Please don’t limit her life due to your anxiety. Switch the tracker off, it’s beyond intrusive.

Your husband has a real problem and sounds awful.
It is normal for 18 year olds to go out.
You speak to her about being staying safe.
That's all.
Men like your husband cause anxiety in young women.
How old is your husband?
His behaviour is not normal and not healthy.
We all worry, but his foul humour speaks to a very unhealthy attitude towards her.

Glad my parents didn't have a tracker. Curfews at this age are really hard. No-one else has one and, when you're the one who does, it means people either don't invite you because it interferes with their time out, or you miss out so much. I left home at 17 to get away from that. She's 18. All you're doing is sending her the message that you don't trust her.

My father had a lot of anxiety about us when we were teenagers. My god, the screaming at us and emotional abuse he hurled. I blame my mother for allowing it because 'that's just how he is'. She should have stood up and stopped it. Kids often don't blame the abuser, they blame the one who could protect them and didn't.

Signed, someone who has been there in the position of your daughter.

she tracks me on life 360 just as much as I track my kids. I like that I can see she’s arrived at work etc when she’s driving.

He’s the same age as me.

i Trust my daughter 1000%, it’s other people and men that I don’t.

I’m sorry that is not normal at all. So long as you’re adamant you want to track her online her ‘independence’ won’t develop.

You don't need to track each other. You're not going to cut the apron strings if she's suffocated by both of you.

Big difference to being independent and making sure she isn’t in a ditch somewhere if she goes on a long drive, it also warns you if they are constantly on their phone when driving.

she tracks me when I drive as I travel all over for work.

Of course you don’t have a curfew for a perfectly responsible adult who has gone out for the evening with her nice friends. You want her to have a nice time and enjoy her life. A curfew is only for your benefit.

You relax by living your own life. You aren’t thinking about what another family member is doing when they are out with their own friends because you are doing things as well.

Well first off i would stop tracking her she is not a dog, and he needs to grow up and act like an adult

Why would she end up in a ditch or be on her phone because she’s driving her car?

That was the exact line my father trotted out at us. It means nothing. You clearly don't trust her to be able to handle those things either. Either way, you're saying she's not capable and you don't trust her.

Then you are going to make her afraid of the world like you seem to be. You are spoiling her life with your own fears.

I’ve got daughter. They are 19 and 21. One is at university, one has just finished. I don’t track them or worry about them to this extent when they go out. I want them to have friends and do exciting things. To live.

Well you had her at 17 so she could be a mother herself would you be tracking her then ? Your DH needs to grow up

Agree. Those tracker apps are really creepy in my opinion. I can't imagine being 18 (or any age) and someone knowing where I am at all times. So glad I grew up before all that nonsense was invented.

She’s an adult - of course you don’t give a curfew. Speak to her about safety and being considerate if she’s coming in late if you must. In terms of the apron strings as you put it, this is a dh problem, you don’t need to do anything with her, she sounds lovely. He obviously needs to work on this, it non-negotiable. I say this as someone also married to an autistic man, I would call him out on it and absolutely have no tolerance for behavior that was dickish to others being excused because of autism, it’s quite clear from your post that he functions well enough to control this.

My DD is a little older and I’ve one a bit younger. Tracking apps are all kinds of intrusive. My kids would ring if they have a problem and we wouldn’t freak out.

First of all, get rid of the tracker. I’m so glad such things didn’t exist when I was younger. The intrusiveness would have appalled me. Don’t try to control your adult daughter with tracking apps and curfews. Trust that she is sensible enough to cope with life and any unexpected situation she encounters.

this is the consequence of her leading a sheltered life because of the way you’ve brought her up ultimately. We know our child will be going to school on a bus next year across London so have being preparing them for the last year or so with the opening up of boundaries in advance. It is a normal part of parenting and done well should mean that there aren’t huge shocks for them or you in store.

You need to redirect your blame. It was your father not your mother. He is responsible for his own actions and reactions.

Wtf is this tracking stuff. Are you going to watch her constantly if she ever moves out? At 18 I was backpacking on the other side of the world without a phone. I called my mum from a pay phone once a fortnight. I survived, I thrived, I’m a responsible adult with kids of my own and I’m extremely close to my mum who let me grow up and spread my wings and trusted me.

At 17 you had a baby, are you worried she’s going to get pregnant if you don’t track her every move? It’s fucking creepy and weird! Let her grow up. She’s got a responsible job, she’s out sober with her sober mate not doing crack under a bridge. Let her breathe.

Would you have liked your parents to track you at that age?

Why are you asking how you can cut the apron strings but then saying you ‘like knowing when she’s at work’ and trying to justify what you are doing? Do you want to start treating her like a responsible grown up person or do you want to continue treating her like an incapable cocker spaniel?

You need to also trust yourself, that you will cope with whatever it is you fear will happen to her.

Why do you feel the need to track her to work? What does tracking her do except ease your own anxiety?

It's not easy but you cut the apron strings by cutting the apron strings and learning to deal with the anxiety.

Your DH needs to grow up and manage his anxiety better than taking it out on everyone else.

Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

I thought you wanted to cut the apron strings?