How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

[Blueybingomum]

Dd is 18 next month.

she’s quite an innocent nearly 18 year old, doesn’t drink, doesn’t really go out and has lived abit of a sheltered life although she works full time at a nursery.

it doesn’t help that DH is autistic and probably over protective. It drives us all insane.

She has gone out with some friends tonight, her friend is driving as she doesn’t drink either.

they have gone to a few country pubs.

dh was in a foul mood all evening and has been at work in a mood regarding it. We’ve had big arguments.

how do you relax? Iv been on edge all night lol I can’t sleep, no idea what time she will be home. Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

i had her at 17 so i think im maybe projecting abit. I’m fully aware :(

do you give a curfew?

We asked her to leave and take us with her. She stayed and even into adulthood expected us to just take whatever our father dished out to keep the peace. I refused to do that.

I vowed to never let that happen to my kids and would have left to protect them. That is a mother's job.

I blame my father for the abuse. I blame my mother for her enabling and failure to protect us, even when we asked her too.

You sound as paranoid as DH. Why are you checking that she arrives at work? Is it a particularly perilous journey?

My DD is also 18 next month. We have the Life360 app - DD likes us having it for a variety of reasons (particularly if she's on her way home from college when it's raining and one of us is nearly home from work 😆). We previously used FamilyLink but deleted it when she turned 16.

I think the 3 of you need to have a discussion about what your rules are in your home and things you would like her to do out of respect when she is not at home ( eg a quick message to say plans have changed). I dont expect my DD to share her plans with me but she does, and I do with her. I think if you keep restricting her she may choose to not be open with you.

I find this constant need to track people very odd. No one I know does this in real life but I keep hearing about it on SM

I think there is a natural end to the tracking apps eg when they turn 18. You will not prevent them from being attacked or driving into a ditch sadly. It gives a false ‘peace of mind’
We all need freedom and the ability to make our own decisions.
My children are older, are autistic and it would never occur to me to track them nor would I want them tracking me.

You’re probably on edge about it because your DH is so protective and nervousness can be contagious. “No fighting and stick together” were the orders my dad used to issue to me and my friends when we went out.

My 18 year old has life 360 as he is still at school and gets a taxi ( sen school with ehcp). He has all the power to turn it off or delete it. We can all check where we are. Doesn't mean we are constantly checking.

Op it gets easier the more they go out. Mine drink and get drunk even the son at specail needs school. It helps that they are boys as I worry about different things. Eldest is at uni and told me he sits with the homeless chatting in the city centre past 2am. That's when you would rather not know. He was a village bumpkin too until he went to uni. What I don't know, I don't stress over.

My sons are 22 and 20.Tonight they have went out .Am I anxious ..yes ..do I express it no.... I tell them have the time of their life and be careful make wise choices .I tell them I'm here 24 /7 if you need me I'll be there. That's the rule ....any hassle ring me and I'll come. If you are genuinely concerned for your daughter you should have a similar set up and do be there if she needs you and don't judge what stupid things she may have done .your job is now to hold her when she needs it not when she doesn't. Best of luck.xx

Op it is completely normal to worry about them when they have just turned 18 and are out at pubs, driving late, their first Christmas, new years out etc, I didn’t sleep well for ages, restless until I heard the key in the lock and knew they were safely home each night or a fell asleep just knackered. It was easier when I knew they were sleeping elsewhere and I wasn’t expecting them back home that night.

It gets easier after a couple of months as you see them being responsible and independent more and more and eventually you go to bed and sleep!

We still have family find my iPhones, but it is very rare I look at it. It feeds anxieties, if you can’t help yourself from watching it I would suggest removing it,

It is not normal to worry about a grown adult like this. I thought you were talking about a 15-year-old. Get rid of the tracking app. I’ve got two DDs. At 18, one was travelling the world solo, the other one was living and working in Kazakhstan.

We all have each other on Life 360 - including daughter now 23. We offered to take her off the tracker when she turned 18 but she said she liked us to know where she was. She is totally independent but says it made her feel safer when she was at uni. We don’t have anything to hide so it’s not a problem

Even weirder. Cut the cord op!

I think it’s good you’ve got that app.
You obviously love and care for her a lot.
It does get a bit easier in time 💐

Do you ever think about how she’ll manage big life decisions on her own, work, relationships, setbacks, if she hasn’t had much chance to practise independence yet? This should be your driving force, allowing her to slowly do things without you, without your input. We learn so much more from our mistakes than our successes.

At some point, loving our children means tolerating our own discomfort so they can build the skills they’ll need for life. You need to be busy, busy, busy when she is out. No time to dwell.

These apps don’t make you safe, it’s a false idea of safety it basically some weird surveillance method for family members. I really don’t get it at all and find it super creepy.

Why is your DH in a foul mood? That’s a big issue here that needs calling out. Ok he is anxious, but he doesn’t get to take it out on everybody?

I ask DD to put life 360 on if she is driving outside 40mph areas. But she's only been driving a few months and borrows her mums car in the uni holidays. I do plan to stop this during 2026 as she gets more miles under her belt

It sounds like both you and your DH need to get a grip - and stop tracking her! She’s not a lost dog.

We live in the most surveilled country in Europe , no need for trackers and I believe that they breed anxiety in people anyway.

You start the process by stopping the tracking of an adult’s movements.

She has to learn to navigate the dangers of life. That means experiencing some risk. Are you saying your DH has been in a bad mood because she's gone out for New Year's Eve? That is shocking.

I have no issue with the tracking app, we all have each other on FMF over here - my parents, DH, my sister and BIL and two of our best friends.

But your husband is a twat. You’ll end up losing her altogether if he doesn’t sort his shit out.

I don't see a major issue with having life 360 as long as it's used appropriately. DS (17) and I still have it activated but I don't track him on a night out. However I do use it to check if he's home when I wake up. That seems appropriate, saves me getting out of bed to check. There are the odd times it's useful for practical purposes too, but overuse fuels anxiety and infantilisation which is what OP is doing.

We use L360 too - I thought the kids would want to delete it as they got older, but they don’t. They like seeing where we are, as much as I like seeing they got home safe! For instance I picked the eldest, in her 20’s up from the train yesterday afternoon, she could wait in the warm and see exactly when i pulled into the car park. They could delete it anytime, but like the convenience it offers. I think snapchat and similar apps do the same, so its just something younger people are happy with.

It’s also completely normal for youngsters not to drink these days, of course there are still some that overindulge but amongst my kids groups theyre more likely to be gym going T totalers than hedonistic drunks! They’d be appalled at me and DH at the same ages…

The tracking of each other is bizarre. If you want to see when she’s arrived at work, ask her to message: “I’ve got to work, see you later.”