How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

[Blueybingomum]

Dd is 18 next month.

she’s quite an innocent nearly 18 year old, doesn’t drink, doesn’t really go out and has lived abit of a sheltered life although she works full time at a nursery.

it doesn’t help that DH is autistic and probably over protective. It drives us all insane.

She has gone out with some friends tonight, her friend is driving as she doesn’t drink either.

they have gone to a few country pubs.

dh was in a foul mood all evening and has been at work in a mood regarding it. We’ve had big arguments.

how do you relax? Iv been on edge all night lol I can’t sleep, no idea what time she will be home. Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

i had her at 17 so i think im maybe projecting abit. I’m fully aware :(

do you give a curfew?

No we have a lock for nighttime that can’t be done from the outside. If we don’t use it he could pick the other lock. Which he has done and we have had the police looking for him at 2am. As if he was to abscond he will go to water. She knows 12 and if she doesn’t like it. She’s old enough to move out.

This, surely you can lock the door when you go to bed and she could unlock it and put the chain on if she comes in later, there’s no logic to this.

Shes 17 which posters seem to have ignored. fine to have a curfew but it needs to be reasonable

But surely the chain you put on is still from the inside? I’m just trying to picture how this works.

OP you need to get out more and have hobbies of your own beyond tracking your DD. Would your DH allow you to go out and about or is he possessive of you?

It is a challenge - my 3 DDs are now adult and there were some worrying times when they first ventured out on their own. I used to lie awake till they came in.

But that did not stop me leaving them to enjoy their lives and I certainly would not have been tracking them, had that technology been available then.

I talked with them about safety - about how drinking to excess clouds their judgment, about contraception, about drugs, about how we would collect them from anywhere anytime if they felt concerned. It's all you can do really.

I had a jokey sentence with them: "Get pregnant if you must, but don't take drugs or get in a car with a driver who has been drinking or taking drugs!"

We also tried to get them driving themselves as soon as we could - I trusted their good sense as drivers more than someone I did not know.

The L360 can be useful & doesn’t equal dog microchip. But agree with pp no consequences for turning it off

Why on Earth do you need to track that she’s arrived at work safely? In case she has an RTA on the way? Perhaps both you and your husband would benefit from some therapy surrounding your anxieties with your daughter. I should think she has many anxieties herself due to your parenting style. She won’t live a full life if this continues.

Goodness. That does sound difficult for you.

I would say the norm amongst my friends (all of us have 17-19y olds) is to have find my iPhone or L360 set up but rarely use them. Mine was out last night and I looked once before midnight -just out of interest to see if they’d got into club they were hoping to go to. I think he came in about 6am

I did use it a bit more when he was first driving I will admit, but again think that’s pretty normal amongst my friends. Rarely check now and if I do its more for practicalities re meals etc- same as for my husband. We do have a black box on his car which alerts us if he is speeding which we’ll probably take out once he’s been driving for a year.

We ask for a heads up if he’s not home for evening meal and if he’s not coming home at night (quite often stays at girlfriends or mates) but that’s just for practicalities / locking up.

Do you have many other distractions in your life? I think it can be hard moving on from constantly being a taxi/organiser for your teens as they get more independent - though personally I’m loving getting that time and space back in my life, much as I love him!

Why do you want to cut the apron strings on an 18yr old child? That's very strange to me.

Absolute nonsense. My son put us all on life 360 it's a great thing and we're all independent people, it's just a good thing to have.

Stop tracking each other. No one needs to be tracked. It drives the wrong behaviours in people.

Personalities don’t change but lives might, for example moving out of home to go to uni. I’m so glad my mum wasn’t tracking me when I moved 2 hours away at the age of 19.

This sounds really hard and I guess you’ve found the best available compromise with your midnight or find somewhere else to sleep rule. As someone also raised a young carer (term applies even if she does no direct care), I bet she’d appreciate your acknowledging that it’s a bit shit for her that it has to be curfew or move out. Just that acknowledgment, that it can’t be helped but that you see it’s crap for her, would be very powerful.

He's in a foul mood because she's popped to a sleepy pub for a soft drink? He needs a big head wobble...

And you need to remove the ridiculous tracker app

It's not beneficial when it causes the level of fear and anxiety that OP describes. It also doesn't show you anything other than where someone's phone is.

So they can become a fully functioning adult, why would this not be something you’d want for your child?

The issue isn't your daughter. It's your husband and his moods. I would be more likely to cut that string.

you all sound co dependent. Very unheathy relationships.

Your daughter could die in a fire, be iin a car crash, contract a deadly bug, fall down the stairs, slip in the shower or get a paper cut at work. Tracking her will not prevent any of these possibilities

It’s natural to worry, I had this when my first started going out, but there’s nothing you can you, they need to live their life and learn independence, just be fortunate she waited until 18, in the 90s I was going to pubs from 15!

So many people being adamant that a high level of tracking each other is normal is a generation on young ones sleep walking into an abusers dream imo.

My DD2 is 25 and has, in the last two years, ended two short relationships because the lads have been adamant that tracking each other is normal. They track their parents, their parents track them and if you have nothing to hide then they should track each other.

Very few people I know who track each other actually bother to make clear to their teens that 1) if they don't want to be tracked that's ok and 2) they should never been pushy with a partner and insist on tracking.

It is not societally normal to track another adult and check their location multiple times a day - and it should never because so for everyone's sake.

I agree with all of this. I don’t get the issue with using Life360 or similar at all, if used as above. My eldest DD is 18 and lives away at Uni. When home she goes out loads, we have no curfew, but she’ll let me know if she’s sleeping out.

We’ve used Life360 for years, both daughters (13 and 18) like having it. I only tend to check to see if my eldest is back home / at halls when I wake up, or if she’s on a long drive to see where she’s at. I check on my 13 year old if she slept out at a friend's to make sure she’s not somewhere she shouldn't be.

At 18 I’d be encouraging your DD to be as independent as possible, or you’ll end up with a 25/30 year old still living at home being overly reliant on you.

Neurodiversity tends to run in families - do you think there's a chance she's ND too OP? Wouldn't surprise me from the little you've said. If so it's possible she's emotionally a few years younger than her peers and might explain why you feel so worried.

She's still living in your house though so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her what time she thinks she'll be home and to let you know if she's going to be late. If she frequently wants to be out most of the night then that's fine - but she needs her own place or a friends to rock up to IMO.

OP you NEED to step away. Otherwise your daughter will end up like my niece - who is 23, doing her 2nd degree in medicine- who has a codependent relationship with my sister & BIL. So much so that he drives her to & collects from university every day (he's retired) despite it being a 30 min walk in a safe, well-heeled area of the city. They spent NYE celebrating together in a pub, despite my DS having a student party in his flat in the same area (they're close & she's very outgoing anyway). She & my sister share every detail of their lives & talk on the phone multiple times a day & have continuous texts. Sister quotes the same 'safety' issues as you do.

It's unhealthy & I fear for her future. Don't be my sister.