How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

[Blueybingomum]

Dd is 18 next month.

she’s quite an innocent nearly 18 year old, doesn’t drink, doesn’t really go out and has lived abit of a sheltered life although she works full time at a nursery.

it doesn’t help that DH is autistic and probably over protective. It drives us all insane.

She has gone out with some friends tonight, her friend is driving as she doesn’t drink either.

they have gone to a few country pubs.

dh was in a foul mood all evening and has been at work in a mood regarding it. We’ve had big arguments.

how do you relax? Iv been on edge all night lol I can’t sleep, no idea what time she will be home. Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

i had her at 17 so i think im maybe projecting abit. I’m fully aware :(

do you give a curfew?

First of all, stop tracking her, OP. You don't need to know where she is all the time, and all it does is make you anxious.

Just start imagining that she's 28, or 38..... you wouldn't stress about every little thing at these ages, so make a conscious decision to step back when you're getting too "stressy".

Stop using the tracker app

let your daughter live her life

tell your husband to get a grip

simple, OP! @Blueybingomum

Tracking is not going to help. If she's in a ditch or just parked up you wouldn't know the difference and it won't help either of you, it just reinforces the anxiety on both sides. Lots of us grew up and had our kids grow up before this constant tracking was a thing. Were we anxious about our kids? Yes, of course. I still worry about mine and they're all grown up with homes and families of their own. But, while I love them, I can't keep them safe forever.

You, your DH and, to some extent your DD, have to let go of one another. Trust is your friend here.

You don't need to see that she's arrived at work! Of course she will arrive (and in the vanishingly unlikely event that she doesn't, someone will tell you).
Please, please let her live her life, because this is all so depressing.

I'm
Actually surprised at some of the replies. I have 2 daughters 19 and 17. I still get anxious when they go out and check in with them.

My eldest doesn't go out much and is young for her age but I'd still check in even if she wasn't. She is legally an adult but she's still my child.

For what it's worth she's allowed to do whatever she wants but I still ask where she will be and who with.

I think ops behaviour is reasonable although DH sounds a bit OTT.

OP, your daughter tracks you because this is learned and wrong behaviour from you. As a parent you're meant to give her the life skills to enable her to be independent and free from parental oversight. Despite many people telling you this in response to your post, you keep refuting what's being said and trotting out the same tired narrative. I know you're coming from a good place but what you are doing is harmful to your daughter, although she doesn't have enough freedom or life experience to recognise this yet. It's shackling her independence and you are projecting your insecurities into her. I do wonder why you posted your question as I don't think you're open to viewpoints that differ from your own deeply entrenched ideas. Putting your husband aside, I think counselling might be beneficial for you, if only to understand and cope with your anxiety.

I speak as someone who is now 61 and who, when I came home from Universiry in the late 80s, suddenly found myself under a curfew and set bedtime after three years of looking after myself and being a grown up. It's stifling and unnatural, and ultimately it ruined the relationship with my parents. Letting go is hard but you're failing your daughter if you don't understand why everything you've described is wrong or potentially damaging. Get to the root cause of your issues and address them. A tracking tool has no place in an adult relationship.

As for your husband, that's a different issue entirely and one for you to resolve through communication. It has nothing to do with your daughter and how you behave towards her.

No, of course no curfew. You both need to lighten up. Let her breathe.

Op, she's an adult, she's with a friend, neither of them drink, they have their own transport, not reliant on taxis, you can see where she is, and you know her phone is charged.
She's not stupid. She'll call you, or her friend will call if there is anything wrong.

Make sure she has breakdown cover and stop worrying.

By 18, I was living in London, in a bedsit on my own, with no friends - and I was fairly innocent, didn't go out much etc. It was fine.

I must really hate my kids. I have never had a tracking device for them 🤷‍♀️

Her mother is responsible for her actions in failing to prevent her children from being abused.

Jesus Christ. Absolutely get rid of that tracker!!

And on what planet do you put curfews on an adult?

Is there any way she can move out and do a houseshare or something? Sounds like she would massively benefit not being under the same roof as you two.

This is making miss my own childhood and teenage years before trackers. I was good at texting my mum when i was going to be back home etc and that was fine. I’m not planning on tracking my own kids.

@Blueybingomum If you're concerned about her arriving at work, why not get a tracker for the car instead of her phone? At least that would have a legitimate purpose beyond spying on your daughter.

Get rid of the tracker and your husband.

Ignore those saying don’t track - it’s a hugely divisive subject on MN and we’ll never all agree. We all track each other quite happily by choice (DH, me, DD21, DS18), it works for us and we don’t actually check it that often, so do try to cut down if you’re checking it frequently.

DS was out for first NYE last night which felt odd but as he’s got little social life I was so pleased for him (and a bit sorry for DD stuck at home with us). Saying goodbye when they went to uni was gut-wrenching but had to tell myself it was a sign they were growing up. DD has flourished and become noticeably more confident and independent but still a loving daughter who likes spending time with us. DS is slowly getting more independent and at least now appreciates us more. You do get used to it, and better that they gradually pull away from you whilst living at home than that there’s a sudden change such as moving out permanently.

I personally see this as over anxious tbh, especially with the 19 year old. Many 19 year olds at uni away from home. Can’t expect to check in with their parents all the time/ever about what they are doing.

Instead of being surprised at the replies it would be more beneficial to you and your daughters to take what people are saying on board too.

Your eldest is an adult and her being young for her age is because you treat her young for her age with your anxiety.

Treating an adult with the respect to life their own life doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you’re doing your daughters no favours by continuing to treat them like small children.

op we still have our 18 year old on life 360. She can take herself off if she wants. But I think she likes the peace of mind. It’s no drama for me if she wants to come off

as for going out. She can go out. We do say door and chain is locked at 12. So she would have to find somewhere else after that time. She’s not allowed to come back drunk. But I also have a 12,8,5 and 4m baby.

it’s just having respect there’s other people in our house.

Gently you need to let go. Delete the tracker, and accept she’s an adult. Those of us whose dc are older know that you worry but it gets easier

I wonder if all this ability to track and the whole 'mobile phone so you can ring at any time' thing is part of the cause of the huge rise in anxiety? I grew up when many people (us included) didn't even have a landline phone. My parents just HAD to trust me because the alternative was to follow me everywhere. My kids grew up (just) before mobile phones, so I had to trust THEM.

I can see how if you've known someone who was in a dreadful accident or was attacked you might feel more secure tracking your kids, but in reality, what are you going to do? Even if you can see, in real time, that their car is stopped, how do you know why? If you can see that they have stopped walking on their way home, how would you know whether it's because they've been attacked and are lying on the pavement or they've stopped to chat to a friend they've not seen in a while?

If anything bad does happen, you're too far away to help. And you can't remove all risks from life for your kids, much as you want to. You need to learn to let them develop their own life skills, because constantly checking to make sure they are where they are supposed to be isn't helping YOU, never mind them.

Tracking her on an app won’t make her safer from other people, men or crashing her car.

Being given the life skills to deal with situations independently and how to develop resilience will make her safer in navigating life.

Neither you or your DH are helping her here, the fact she tracks you as well is learned behaviour from you, if you want to really cut the apron strings delete the app for a start it’s a false sense of security at best.

my Dd does check in after long journeys as in driving 9 hours sunday back to work but by posting a photo or something else subtle, her choice not mine. Since 16 I’ve had to be used to her being away much of the time, she’s having an amazing life and I completely trust her

Tracker? Curfew? Goodness were your parents tracking and giving you a curfew and checking you got to work every day when you were getting pregnant at 17? Delete the app.

I don’t think it’s the tracking that’s the problem rather it’s the intensity that goes with it. Tracking her every move all night is not right but if she’s very late home wondering where she is and checking the tracker is fine. It’s much more about your and your DH attitude.

She is almost an adult. Adulting is a skill that requires a lot of trial and error with plenty of mistakes made along the way. Unless you make these mistakes you may never find the life you want as you live in constant fear or worse you marry the first romantic partner that comes along for eg. All because you were never given the freedom to find out who you really are and what you like.

You think you are keeping her safe but in reality all you are doing is trying to soothe your own anxieties.

She sounds like a lovely sensible girl, she needs the space and support now to be able to grown into a confident young woman.

But most of them are from not from people with children their age.

I will be tracking dd when she drives my car and that is the only time I would insist on it. Otoh my mum back in the day didn’t let me drive hers and some of the driving from teens was terrifying. Her choice, if she doesn’t agree that’s up to her but it’s the terms of ‘hire’.

Mumsnet is hysterical about trackers, but they have their uses if you are picking people up, cooking dinner etc. I don’t see the point when kids are at uni, that is utterly weird and surely just creates worry but you can just turn it off if you want anyway.

Do you think she would have been able to manage financially without him?. Do you think she was also abused by him and had been groomed to accept his behaviour?