How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

[Blueybingomum]

Dd is 18 next month.

she’s quite an innocent nearly 18 year old, doesn’t drink, doesn’t really go out and has lived abit of a sheltered life although she works full time at a nursery.

it doesn’t help that DH is autistic and probably over protective. It drives us all insane.

She has gone out with some friends tonight, her friend is driving as she doesn’t drink either.

they have gone to a few country pubs.

dh was in a foul mood all evening and has been at work in a mood regarding it. We’ve had big arguments.

how do you relax? Iv been on edge all night lol I can’t sleep, no idea what time she will be home. Luckily I have the life 360 app so can track when she’s in the car etc.

i had her at 17 so i think im maybe projecting abit. I’m fully aware :(

do you give a curfew?

You and your husband are smothering her and not letting her grow up. This all sounds incredibly unhealthy and is not setting her up for adult life at all. It’s new year - take time to set goals on how you can improve as a parent.

I actually agree that it’s an issue amongst controlling partners (of both sexes). I’m not so sure you can totally blame it on parental behaviour though.

For the kids I know who are late teens now it is completely normal to share location with their friends all the time and has been since they first got smart phones. They all
have location switched on on Snapchat and just use it routinely- just yesterday my son checked his friend’s location before going out to meet him, saw he hadn’t left his house yet and put off going out by 10minutes. I think they also have their closer friends and certainly girlfriends / boyfriends on Find my iPhone too.

I think having a chat about how it should’t be used in a controlling manner is really important (both not to do it and not to accept it being done to you) but if my son’s friends are typical I suspect we’re now well past the point of routine location sharing being the norm amongst young people.

It's not nonsense. What is nonsense is tracking an adult to make sure they have got to work. Like you are always expecting them to come to harm.

If they are living in your house you actually can. You may choose not to, but your house your rules. Being 18 gives them the right to rent their own flat and live independently if they wish. Mumsnet is so weird on the holy grail of the big one - eight.

OP it sounds like the problem here is DH, that behaviour would put anyone on edge.

I mean, yes, technically you can but that doesn't stop it being an absolutely ridiculous decision.

Would it be ridiculous if you had to get up for early shifts/ long drives and they were constantly waking you? Or if someone in the house was ill and needed to not be disturbed? Or if they were still at school and it was term time? On NYE okay I agree they should be able to stay out all night if they wish

Consideration for those you live with and common sense don’t stop though when someone turns 18. And if they aren’t quite grown up enough then any normal parent would put their foot down.

Mumsnet is just so weird about the big one-eight. They don’t become untouchable overnight. The transition to adulthood starts at about 14 and goes on for years.

Yes it would be ridiculous - because they're adults.

If they're not being considerate and are waking people up, then that's an entirely separate issue that won't be dealt with by giving them an arbitrary curfew.

It's not about anyone being untouchable - like you say, if they can't be respectful they can move out.

Sorry OP, you won't cut any apron strings until you lose that tracker.
All you will do is increase hers and your own anxiety.
Focus on developing your own life and let her get on with living hers.

You forgot Hitler. What if Hitler came and chased the car into a ditch.

@sunshineandrain82 ‘she is not allowed to come in drunk’
Do what happens if she wants to have a drink?
I was the eldest in a big family and surely respecting members of the household works all ways.
I don’t understand tracking her and in the next breath saying ‘later than that and she has to find somewhere else’
Chaining and locking the door is not going to give you the peace of mind you think. Especially when one member of your family is the other side of it.

I actually agree that it’s an issue amongst controlling partners (of both sexes). I’m not so sure you can totally blame it on parental behaviour though.

For the kids I know who are late teens now it is completely normal to share location with their friends all the time and has been since they first got smart phones. They all
have location switched on on Snapchat and just use it routinely- just yesterday my son checked his friend’s location before going out to meet him, saw he hadn’t left his house yet and put off going out by 10minutes. I think they also have their closer friends and certainly girlfriends / boyfriends on Find my iPhone too.

I think having a chat about how it should’t be used in a controlling manner is really important (both not to do it and not to accept it being done to you) but if my son’s friends are typical I suspect we’re now well past the point of routine location sharing being the norm amongst young people.

It's parents that teach their children what is acceptable.

For example none of my older kids (20, 22 & 25) share their location with anyone - even friends. None have ever used snapmaps. Neither have the majority of their friends.

However, one of the local HT's is married to a chap who worked for CEOPS. Every year he does a chat with parents whose children are just about to go up to high school. It's a very blunt meeting where he explains how apps work, where the risks are, how they are used by those looking to use them for nefarious purposes and how parental controls can be got around.

It's a very sobering meeting. I think it's no coincidence that kids round here seem far less likely to use tracking apps and snapmaps than where my BiL lives for example (my niece did use snapmaps for a while but doesn't now).

The fact that I don't track DH, he doesn't track me, that their besties parents don't encourage tracking etc, along with chats about it, certainly plays a part in the reason that it's not common among the kids.

It's important, imo, to emphasis to kids that it should not be the norm. If you want to do it then fine, but it shouldn't be something that's switched on and forgotten about. It should be considered and reviewed. And it should never be automatic.

It also encourages a lack of manners imo, but that's a lesser issue than the safety aspect. If you're going to be late you should be letting people know, not expecting them to track you and adjust accordingly.

Sorry, yes of course you CAN. You could also hurl abuse at them, take their door of the hinges, generally treat them like some kind of sub human. But most people wouldn't as it would make you a bit of a dick.

If she was coming in late, loud, drunk, demonstrating unsafe behavior and choices etc then sure, setting boundaries for a teenager still in your house (that they could avoid by leaving home) might make sense.
But this sounds like a stable, balanced kid who has given them no cause for concern? So it seems reasonable to me to trust her judgment I til she gives you reason to do otherwise.
I think a request for a planned return time/ text updates if she's staying out later would be reasonable. And make sure she knows if she is separated from her friends, or if something else goes wrong that she can call you for (non judgmental) help.

I wouldn’t say your worry is that unusual (maybe a little over the top if I’m gently honest), but your husband being in a bad mood because she has gone out is not right

Well said!

This is a gradual process that takes years rather than an overnight thing because she’s 18

This. And she is still 17 now, turning 18 soon. Time to be gradually building her confidence, as she is. Presume she's not even legally able to buy alcohol yet.

I had curfews at 17, I was not tracked as 20 years ago we didn’t have that technology. My parents have been more on the protective side however they gradually learned to let go, we had discussions and sometimes arguments which in all honesty helped me grow. I understood their worries and challenged them when I thought they were unreasonable and too limiting, my parents were receptive and we sort of learned together how to change and adjust to the different stages of independence. Some comments are quite harsh and seems that being 17 is like a switch that gives the children the freedom to do anything they want. I think that you need to work with your husband to not make her feel guilty about going out and talk a lot with her about what shared rules you can agree on. Your husband needs to work on containing his anxiety and sharing it only with you trying not to affect your daughter, this is something you need to do together. Other than that you have got this and I appreciate that you are being open to suggestions. Ignore all those posters who have been quite harsh on you as a lot of people are quick to judge others whilst they might be by every other measure terrible at many other aspect of their lives. So just approach the matter with open communication with your daughter and make sure you find out what makes her comfortable and what you can do to facilitate her individuating process. Actually giving young adults absolute freedom without any rules might not help understanding that in every stage of life they will encounter limitations, for example at work. I see many children who have been left to run wild since young age being incapable to incorporate any sort of discipline which didn’t help when they started working or dealing with real life big NO. Be gentle to yourselves and work on matters with an open mind. Good luck!

Oppressive, controlling, stifling.

Carry on that way and you’re in full blown emotional abuse territory. Autism isn’t an excuse for becoming angry that your adult daughter visits a pub sober with a friend. Your DH needs to stop- your daughter will have picked up on his behaviour and no doubt amends her actions based off it- that is coercive control.

You don’t need to know when she’s coming home, especially as she’s not even drinking. Get a grip.

Exactly my thought - coercive control!

Very unfair on your DD