Another short-term relationship ended...why? :(

[buzzheath]

I'm almost 34. Have a good life, job, hobbies, my own flat etc. Don't want kids but would love a long-term partner.

Another relationship where I was in love has ended. He ended it. We were in a small argument and he got up to try to leave and I was really emotional, crying a lot etc. Next day he said I blocked him from leaving and stood in front of the door and this crossed boundaries and made him feel unsafe.

Im about 5 foot. He's a lot bigger and stronger than me..ofc I apologised and I don't have form for this, it was just an emotionally heightened situation. Feeling so bereft and sad. Is this fair?

I would also dump someone who was so unregulated in a ‘small argument’.

You're right. Of course you are. But I do think that if someone is often "falling in love" over and over again, in each short term relationship.....its a red flag

I am also tempted to see "feeling unsafe" as an overreaction, but in fairness even a short woman can do a man quite a lot of damage especially if he isn't willing to fight back (because he thinks it's always wrong to manhandle a woman or because he's afraid any self-defence will be used against him).

The crying and blocking sounds very intense. Also, the type of men who want long term relationships often want children.

Maybe him feeling unsafe is not about him feeling physically in danger but because he's very aware of the difference between you in size and strength and felt that you provoking a physical confrontation was going to put him in a dangerous situation where he might, unwillingly, hurt you. You prevented him from leaving, meaning that he either had to manhandle you or give in to you. That sounds pretty manipulative

Fairly obvious to me why he felt unsafe.
He didnt feel unsafe because op might hurt him.
He felt unsafe because she clearly cant be trusted and as she clearly was v emotional and tried to block him leaving, his reaction or not then leaves him in a very vulnerable state.
Does he move her and risk her going nuts and accusing him of assault?
Does he not move and risk her lashing out at him?
I can imagine him standing there thinking ' how the f do i extricate myself here without it turning into a shitshow'.
Cos lets face it if he did put his hand on her it could easily result in her feeling/looking/ assaulted
Thats where he felt unsafe.
Not in his physical self.
Pretty obvious to me tbh.
And hes right. You dont seem like a safe place.

Is this fair?

It’s never unfair to end a relationship that doesn’t feel right.

If I was dating a man who cried and got ‘heightened emotions’ during a minor disagreement and then tried to bar me from leaving his house, I’d dump him. It’s got nothing to do with who’s physically bigger/stronger: I do not and will not tolerate that sort of behaviour. It’s childish and OTT and you sound very intense and melodramatic.

If someone has a succession of failed short-term relationships, and claims they were ‘in love’ every time, though, that’s quite the red flag.

Exactly this. He did the right thing.

'Another short term relationship ended where I was in love'. This sentence sums up the issue, it sounds like you are falling in love very quickly and trying to make things work with people who are unsuitable or cannot meet your emotional needs.
Maybe a little more restraint and try not to get too emotionally invested too soon.
Good luck OP things will work out x

Too much drama. Try getting therapy.

Men and women don’t generally like overly emotional relationships especially over small things. I get you, I had bad PMT when younger and I’m sure I was a pita sometimes.

I was wondering what the argument/disagreement was about?

I am trying to understand why the partner getting up to leave was such a trigger for you?

Do you have any other issues from childhood or past relationships, you obviously don't have to answer but if might help you to figure out why this keeps happening?

It's not the kind of language men tend to use in my experience, so I wonder if he was couching it in terms he thought OP would understand. It seems unlikely that he felt physically threatened, but if he's the kind of man who would never make a move against a woman even when she's attacking him then he may have been worried she'd hurt him, even if he could defend himself.

There isn't much to go on, but if OP has been dramatic or emotionally manipulative with crying and so on (and people don't always realise they're doing it), and/or if she uses language like this to describe situations and relationships, then it might be that the words he used wouldn't be the best ones, or the ones he'd prefer, to describe his thought process, but they might be the ones he thought she'd understand and accept or respond to the best.

You appear to have been doing something that he perceived as an attempt to stop him leaving of his own free will. Your small size and stature having nothing to do with this….it was your behaviour that caused him to feel you were obstructing him.

Perhaps there’s been an incident in his past when a similar situation occurred and there was either a third person or even a weapon involved which he would now find triggering.

Sorry to say - this sounds like an ex of mine , she was 5ft 1 and i am 6ft, she did what you did and i never got over it, imagine if she did the same to you.

I do not think when someone says they want to leave you should block their way, and use your size as an excuse to dismiss how you made them feel.

Glad he left you OP, look at it the other way around.

Sounds to me like he was latching onto an excuse to end the relationship. I have an ex,who towards the end of our relationship, would deliberately engineer arguments and situations that would make him feel justified in ending things between us.

1. You describe it as "another relationship where I was in love" and also as "short-term". So, just how easily / quickly do you fall "in love"? Do you believe it to be 'love'?
2. Do you cry easily?Do you think other people would think the "small argument" merited tears? Are you over-emotional?
3. Did you block him from leaving?
4. Men know they are bigger and stronger than women, and good men are careful not to use their strength against us. It's all very well dismissing your blocking him, but a good man would not have wanted to use his strength to move you, and he would not have been certain that you would not have 'gone for him' had he tried, given that you were willing to block the doorway in the first place. Given all that, can you see why blocking the doorway might have made him feel unsafe, despite the height and strength advantage he had?

"Feeling so bereft and sad. Is this fair?"
It's ok to feel sad, but being reflective would be better. Have a ponder on how you might come across to romantic partners. I suspect you come across as a bit too keen to move the relationship into 'serious' before you've finished the 'exploring' stage.

Yeah, you fucked up here. What good comes from hysterically crying and standing in front of the door to prevent him from getting a breather? You’re obviously much better discussing things when everyone has calmed down ie you stop crying, he clears his head. By doing what you did, you were basically pressuring him into your point of view and to say that you’re right as to stop you from crying sort of thing.

personally, I hate conflict and in a situation like that, I would have wanted space ie alone time to clear my head and readjust. I don’t like being in a state of heightened emotion, to me that increases conflict. So, trying to leave is a way of de-escalating the situation and stopping more conflict. So if you were insisting I don’t leave, regardless of your height, I would find that intimidating

Once again a woman behaves badly and its the man who gets flamed for being weak. What was he supposed to do, physically put his hands on her to move her out of the way. Then he would be abusive, stand there and take what ever was thrown his way, (emotionally) then he is wet for not reacting. No wonder men are staying single for longer.

this is so wrong, So he cannot feel unsafe because she is a woman and small?

barricading someone from exiting at free will can be criminal FYI

BINGO

Do your other relationships end in a similar way? Perhaps you need to have some counselling to explore your behaviour (are you needy, emotionally manipulative, confrontational etc but perhaps don’t realise it); sometimes we have low self esteem and subconsciously self-sabotage relationships to prove to ourselves we are not deserving (can be rooted in childhood or earlier relationship trauma). If you had a dysfunctional childhood it can also be that you don’t actually have a healthy model of human relationships (am wondering whether this may be why you don’t want children? No judgement but if it’s a factor you need to explore this.)

I’d suggest stop seeing anyone for now and do some work on yourself to understand what you may be doing that is triggering the end of these relationships and to explore what your expectations are and idea is of a ‘normal healthy relationship’ as this may need recalibrating.

It's not as simple as the difference in physical size or strengh though, is it? If you had chosen to be violent with him, what could he realistically do to protect himself? Be physically aggressive or overpowering to you in return? How would that look, with you being five foot and female?

Whether you would have been violent or threatening is not even the point. It's that you didn't react well to an emotionally charged situation and he felt uncomfortable with your behaviour. If you blocked him from leaving when he had made it clear he wished to leave, in the belief that he'd never physically shove or drag you aside to get past, then that's extremely manipulative and provocational on your part. You were setting him up to fail unless you got your own way.

He wants someone who can handle conflict in a more mature way and not someone who is prepared to use controlling tactics to get what they want.

Can be equally manipulative of him to say he feels ‘unsafe’ and use that to leave situation and avoid addressing things.