Another short-term relationship ended...why? :(

[buzzheath]

I'm almost 34. Have a good life, job, hobbies, my own flat etc. Don't want kids but would love a long-term partner.

Another relationship where I was in love has ended. He ended it. We were in a small argument and he got up to try to leave and I was really emotional, crying a lot etc. Next day he said I blocked him from leaving and stood in front of the door and this crossed boundaries and made him feel unsafe.

Im about 5 foot. He's a lot bigger and stronger than me..ofc I apologised and I don't have form for this, it was just an emotionally heightened situation. Feeling so bereft and sad. Is this fair?

I have sons and I have learnt from their behaviour patterns that If he wanted a relationship with you, he’d be there, you would know with no uncertainty he wanted you and so would he but he’s told you clearly he doesn’t and he’s not there and he’s told you why.

I think when men make up their minds to be with someone or not their minds are usually pretty clear.
I’d hazard a guess he doesn’t want the drama and tears and when he tried to escape he probably felt trapped by your resistance to him leaving so ran for the hills.

Must admit I lose my rag big time if someone is crying and getting stupid over a 'small argument' I don't cope with emotions like tears and guilt tripping.
My m was an expert with water works, she made me sang froid as a result towards people. The only ones I care about are kids, disabled the elderly and the vulnerable. Op has acted in a similar way to m in the past and she was given both verbal barrels by me as a result.

I also don’t think that level of emotional distress is a one off and he probably saw a pattern emerging.

If a woman lost control over what she herself says was a small argument to the point she was crying and shouting and physically blocking my wish to exit the situation I would be feel unsafe. She isn't going to physically hurt me but I don't want to be around someone that's not able to control themselves, it's unstable and it makes me very uncomfortable to be around someone unpredictable. I don't think his being male plays into it.
He could just be using it as an excuse too, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not an acceptable way to behave.
I'm not trying to upset the OP, it may not have been in her to control it, and it may not have been intentionally manipulative, but she does need to look at that behaviour regardless of him imo

When I read the post I didn’t assume the chap meant he felt physically unsafe, I assumed he thought that as the OP wasn’t behaving in a rational manner because she was hysterical over a small argument and blocking his exit she may well accuse him of something if he had had to move her out of his way.
I wouldn’t be too comfortable with a person regardless of gender hysterically crying and blocking my exit either. Just because he could physically defend himself if necessary doesn’t mean he should feel comfortable with someone behaving in an irrational way, which I assume the OP was because she said she hasn’t behaved that way before.

I don't believe the man felt unsafe, but rather the only way to resolve the blocking of the door would be to get physical and he doesn't want to do that (and quite right too).

Best to get out of a relationship where the person is almost being egged on to get physical.

This is a better way of putting what I was going to say. Without the full details or knowing what the argument was about, crying a lot over something small or seeming emotionally unstable is something lots of people don’t want to have to deal with. Especially mid thirties and beyond. Or it could be that the guy has his own issues and normal displays of emotion make him feel unsafe, but it doesn’t sound like this was particularly normal

We don't know what has happened beforehand in your former relationship. It may have been the excuse to end a relationship and there were other things unspoken.

Of course it can seem unfair for anyone who has had little or no success in relationships when you see some others who seem to have happy ones or even just have some to begin with.

Yes! It’s absolutely maddening to me to say that men suddenly aren’t allowed to use the word unsafe because they aren’t as threatened as us. Men experience physical violence from women. Not on the same scale as we experience from them - but it absolutely happens. Men are absolutely valid to feel unsafe with a woman blocking their path to stop them from leaving. Regardless of history, regardless of size difference between the two of them. OP describes herself as in a very heightened emotional state. He didn’t necessarily know what she was going to do. The situation by all accounts - including OP’s own description, which would be tilted in her favour - was abusive and frightening.

That PP is unhinged to say men can’t feel unsafe just because violence against women is worse. I do agree that the level of fear women experience from men is eternally greater and more profound, but that doesn’t mean the word unsafe is unfit or invalid.

My ex H used to witness his DM attack his DF after a drink. He had visible scratches down his face and all sorts over the many years. This man wouldn’t lift a finger to defend himself or restrain her because he was not and is not that man. He wouldn’t lay a finger on her for it to become in any way a two way street of abuse. All of the children in the home attest to this. He absolutely felt unsafe whenever she was drinking. How can anyone justify saying he can’t feel unsafe just because he has a penis? You can say because he technically could restrain her, but realistically if he tried she could have had him arrested.

If the OP is crying, hysterical at her boyfriend whilst blocking the exit, that would make most people feel uneasy and alarmed. It's not rational behaviour. It likely made the boyfriend wonder what else she might do or is capable of doing. The argument according to the OP was minor, so why the extreme reaction? Something no doubt the boyfriend asked himself too. It suggests someone who can be highly strung, prone to extreme reactions and can struggle to regulate their emotions. To be honest I'm not surprised he's ended the relationship. If the OP hadn't reacted extremely and her boyfriend could have left, as he wanted, then the OP would have calmed down and her boyfriend would have had the space he needed. If the boyfriend had physically moved the OP, then he could have left himself wide open to be accused of assault. OP, you need to look at this relationship and previous ones, objectively - have you behaved in a similar way before? Are there any reasons why these relationships haven't worked? Do you get too invested quickly? Do you become 'needy'? Do you find it hard to regulate your emotions?

IMO though this is unsafe. He had no witnesses. He’s being egged on to tackle her physically or be unable to leave. He’s backed into a corner here. He can feel unsafe from her actions even if he 100% knew she wouldn’t get more physical than she was by blocking his path. And he didn’t know that. He didn’t know what she was going to do.

Feeling unsafe isn’t defined by purely by thinking your life is under threat. It means feeling NOT SAFE. Erratic behaviour like OP’s would put anyone on edge. It is unpredictable and highly emotional. If I thought someone might lie about me after I left I would describe that person as feeling unsafe to be around.

She physically blocked his path. His choice in that moment was to stay her captor or physically move her - with no idea what her reaction to this would be. I don’t know anyone who would describe this situation as feeling anything but unsafe in that moment.

yes, completely fair.

Blocking someone’s exit is always an instant dismissal.

you need to get a grip on your emotionality and learn to express negative emotions in a constructive manner.

I’m sorry you are upset but this is totally on you.

If a grown adult wants to leave a situation, they should be allowed to, physically blocking their path is not on , I don't doubt for a second that he felt unsafe,maybe not physically but things could have escalated if he'd tried to get past and then he'd be open to all sorts of accusations.

I'm not surprised your relationships keep ending. Why were you emotional and crying a lot over a small argument and trying to block him from leaving the room? Maybe work on yourself and your emotional regulation before getting into another relationship.

Well you've not given us much to go on here, but you do sound quite intense:
Small argument but you are crying and stopping him leaving.
Short relationship but in love and now bereft.

My guess would be that this specific incident was just the straw that broke the camels back. If someone was crying and stopping me leaving over a small argument I would also be thinking 'I can't be arsed with this'

Also OP I would argue that you saying you were totally in love with him (“another one” implying this has been happening a lot with men you’re totally in love with) is further proof of you getting far too intense far too quickly.

With respect, don’t fall completely in love with someone straight away. You don’t even know him entirely yet. I think you are falling in love with the idea of having a partner and being loved, rather than the men themselves. You need to work on this part of yourself and getting to a stable place and then let love happen naturally, rather than throwing all your eggs in a basket within the first few months.

Why were you crying a lot? I’ve never cried in an argument so it sounds like a very serious one? Blocking someone from leaving is not ok. Maybe you should buy so books on how to navigate relationships in a healthy way. What was the argument about? Do you think you’re hard work (I don’t know how to word that more gently, it’s a genuine question) in a relationship?

A short term (6 to 9 months?) relationship ended and you were in love?

Firstly, no, you weren't. I can be sure of this because you have said "another" which means you aren't in love with all these men. You're in limerance/lust/in love with the idea of the relationship

Crying and blocking his exit? Wtf? I dont care how tall you are. That is a very very unpleasant way to react.

Get some counselling

Stop pretending to fall in love

Grow up

OP I’m sorry you’re having a bad end to the year and heartbreak is tough. But maybe take this time to spend a bit of time on yourself this book is good https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/how-to-not-die-alone-book-logan-ury-9780349428291?sku=GOR011333506&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19553277260&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIB5NdcPcqugAIa8lwjhCEwCt&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlb3pyZnokQMVZ5pQBh3SugBMEAQYASABEgIhrPD_BwE
(title is a bit of a joke) or look up the book ‘Attached’.

If a relationship has this much upset and volatility it’s maybe not one that is great for either of you.

He’s full of it and making excuses, I doubt he felt unsafe.

Regardless it’s his prerogative to be able to end things. I’m really sorry and I hope you find someone who is in the same page as you.

lol I hope you felt great writing this

plenty of people know whether they’re in love or not within the first few months

Yes but if falling madly and intensely in love (screaming, crying, throwing up) within the first few months is a pattern you can identify with multiple men you’ve dated recently then perhaps PP was correct. It was OP getting too intense and had little to do with the men themselves. I think the fact the love didn’t seem to reciprocated echoes this too. Two people in love quickly - fair enough. One person thinking they’re in love and the other backing out of the room - infatuation.

Genuinely if you can I would get some therapy. Work on yourself, your emotions. Work out what you actually want in life. Because a man should compliment your already fulfilled life. Not complete it.
I would recommend therapy to everyone, once you feel better within yourself you’ll attract the right person

I don’t think OP is coming back. With out an explanation of what the argument was about and why she was so upset that she stood in front of the door, it’s hard to know if it’s her fault?

Though this early on in a relationship it’s pretty rare to say you love someone, also rare to be having such emotional disagreements. Maybe you are investing too much too soon? Maybe you are being a but full on? Or even manipulative by crying in order to make him feel sorry for you and back down?

I would spend some time being single, maybe get some therapy based around ‘what is a good relationship’ and don’t rush next time. A relationship should be fun, there shouldn’t be arguments and tears so early on.

I think you need to unpack what happened a little. I don’t mean you need to share it here if you prefer not but to work things through yourself. You said it was a ‘small argument’ but this can cover a whole range of things. And something seemingly small can reflect much deeper issues. You said ‘he got up to leave’- do you just mean leave the room? If so, the reason for the argument and the way you both engaged in it needs understanding. Why was it an argument rather then a discussion? You said you became ‘emotional, crying a lot etc’- why? Were you upset that he was leaving mid argument? Or because he wasn’t hearing you? Or what? You blocked him leaving and said it was an emotionally charged situation- why? I’ve no idea whether this man was worth your time or not but I think it can be useful to reflect on yourself and your reactions to work out better ways to navigate things. Good luck.