Another short-term relationship ended...why? :(

[buzzheath]

I'm almost 34. Have a good life, job, hobbies, my own flat etc. Don't want kids but would love a long-term partner.

Another relationship where I was in love has ended. He ended it. We were in a small argument and he got up to try to leave and I was really emotional, crying a lot etc. Next day he said I blocked him from leaving and stood in front of the door and this crossed boundaries and made him feel unsafe.

Im about 5 foot. He's a lot bigger and stronger than me..ofc I apologised and I don't have form for this, it was just an emotionally heightened situation. Feeling so bereft and sad. Is this fair?

lol

Why do you think he can't feel unsafe - because he's a man? Because he's bigger than her?

Her behaviour sounds extreme and irrational - I would be freaked out too.

Where did OP indicate she was going “batshit”? You’ve just made that up to strengthen your argument.

She may have just been pleading with him not to leave, while it’s undignified of her there’s so reason for a much larger man to feel unsafe based on that alone. I know Mumsnet loves to be woke at times but I really don’t care to wear that badge.

Maybe emotionally unsafe? TBH if someone I was seeing got so upset over a small argument (your description) I would also extricate myself. Life’s too short to be with someone constantly going off like a firework. Do you feel like you could benefit from working on how/ why you react the way you do OP?

That’s exactly what I’m saying, yes. I thought I was quite clear on that.

Very glad I grew up around men who actually acted like men.

I've ended relationships for similar. I don't want to be with someone who isn't capable of having a disagreement without getting hugely emotional, and I certainly wouldn't put up with someone who blocked my exit from an unpleasant situation.

Absolutely this. I wouldn't want any part of that.

What do you think he should have gone then? Given her a slap and told her to get back in the kitchen?

You shouldn't have tried to stop him leaving. Given the physical difference between you, you actually put yourself into an unsafe situation, so its a very unwise thing to do.
Obviously he was at no physical risk, so his use of 'unsafe' is inappropriate. Uncomfortable would be a less hyperbolic description, but clearly he feels the need to make you feel as bad as possible.
Your takeaway from this should be if a person wants to leave, you should never try to stop them.

What does "acting like a man" look like to you?

And why does feeling scared or freaked out mean they're not acting like men?

Did you stop him from leaving?

He didn't say he felt physically unsafe. For sure, were I a man, I would not trust a woman who was crying and shouting and blocking my exit. You don't know what she's going to do next.

Jumping to extremes doesn’t strengthen your argument. Simple moving her to one side would have sufficed. I guess now you’ll jump to another extreme and claim he’d be accused of assault if he did such a thing.

Neither would I, or indeed any rational person.

@buzzheath - what is actually going on for you to react to a ‘small argument’ with such strong emotions and quite hysterical behaviour?

Clearly this relationship is over, and if I am reading correctly between the lines, this isn’t the first time that your inability to regulate your emotions has contributed to a relationship breakdown?

Maybe counselling might be a good idea…

Exactly. I wouldn't stay in a friendship where the other person behaved like that, let alone a romantic relationship. The sex of the other person is irrelevant.

Putting the ‘feeling unsafe’ to one side, it sounds like you were arguing and being hysterical so I’m not surprised he called it a day. If this is a pattern in your relationships you need to reflect on that - you sound like the common denominator.

It’s not always the man’s fault you know.

It’s hard, OP. But, as they say, all’s fair in love and war. If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that’s their right. There’s no ‘fair’ or ‘unfair’ about it.

If you want to improve your relationships I’d look at what the patterns might be.

I wonder if you’re falling in love quite quickly in new relationships and things are getting very intense very quickly. Is there a way you could take things a bit slower?

I also wonder if you could benefit from some help with regulating your emotions, as crying and trying to prevent someone from leaving after a small argument seems unusually intense.

I’m also wondering what there is to argue about so heatedly in a newish relationship - this in itself seems a sign that things aren’t quite right. It could be worth learning more ways to approach differences of opinion and disagreements.

I think people are misunderstanding his meaning of unsafe. I don’t suppose he was scared of being hurt or even emotionally unsafe, but more he couldn’t actually leave without doing something that could open him up to allegations. Someone he’d probably be even more cautious of seeing such an extreme reaction to a small disagreement. Not surprised he felt nervous

I didn’t jump to an extreme, I asked you a question based on your views, are you always so dramatic? A man shouldn’t put his hands on a woman, although you may disagree seen as you grew up with ‘real
men’, and if he had physically moved her aside to leave it would have been totally unnecessary (because she obviously did move) and it could have escalated the situation and caused her to be more emotional. Your arguments are immature and poorly thought out.

Unless a person feels their safety is at risk, which is typically understood to mean at risk of harm, then the word 'unsafe' is inappropriate, hyperbolic and used more for dramatic purposes than accuracy. I realise its now been extended to cover any circumstances where a person feels discomfort but this dilutes the real meaning and gives a false impression that people are 'dangerous' when they're not.

1. Moving her out the way and telling her in no uncertain terms he’ll be leaving and no longer wants anything to do with her.

2. Because men are physically more powerful than us and she’s unlikely to inflict any severe harm to him?

Honestly do some of you not live in real world? It’s like you’re all basing your answers from the book of “How to neutralise genders and cover your arse on being woke”

Then op who is showing already to be irrational might plant her self so it would need a harder guide to then say he pushed her. No thanks!

He said she'd crossed boundaries, and he felt unsafe. Would we be criticising a woman for standing up for herself in that way?

And as for @Jtfrtj's suggestion that he could have "simply moved her to one side"... honestly. What decade are you from?

Being really emotional and crying a lot (your words) in a small argument is something I would have zero time for. Thats without the standing in the way of door etc

Should he have given her a little slap, too, to stop her crying?