Another short-term relationship ended...why? :(

[buzzheath]

I'm almost 34. Have a good life, job, hobbies, my own flat etc. Don't want kids but would love a long-term partner.

Another relationship where I was in love has ended. He ended it. We were in a small argument and he got up to try to leave and I was really emotional, crying a lot etc. Next day he said I blocked him from leaving and stood in front of the door and this crossed boundaries and made him feel unsafe.

Im about 5 foot. He's a lot bigger and stronger than me..ofc I apologised and I don't have form for this, it was just an emotionally heightened situation. Feeling so bereft and sad. Is this fair?

You asked if her should have slapped her and sent her to the kitchen, and you ask if I’m always dramatic. Bit ironic of you.

A man should put his hands on a woman to move her to one side if she’s blocking his way, if she gets more emotional then that’s on her, leave her there with her tears. I don’t see the issue there. Nothing immature about my views.

A man should put his hands on a woman to move her to one side if she’s blocking his way, if she gets more emotional then that’s on her, leave her there with her tears.

And how is he then to know that she won't accuse him of physically abusing her?

I really don't think you've thought this through.

Harm doesn't need to be physical

I would feel manipulated and freaked out by someone behaving the way OP describes herself behaving.

And yes, I live in the real world where women are just as capable of being manipulative and abusive as men are.

Six months is a relatively short time.
Did you have many disagreements and arguments?
Have you previously behaved emotionally or was this a once off?

There could be all sorts of reasons he ended it but my hunch is he wasn't as invested as you were so walking away was easier than trying to figure it out.

The main thing is to take a bit of time out and see if you can realise a pattern in how the previous short term relationships ended. Write it out, see a therapist if you can afford one, or use chat GPT if you can't. Ask it specific questions e.g about patterns of behaviour instead of asking it about fairness.

While its a hard time of year for a relationship to end, I think its also a good time of year to start with a clean slate.

She absolutely crossed boundaries. He was not 'unsafe'.
Had the situation been reversed and a large man was trying to physically prevent a woman from leaving, the woman would have been unsafe.
Taking a word that has a specific meaning and applying it to situations that don't match that meaning blurs our understanding of the reality of the situation.
His discomfort and dislike of the situation does not compare with the physical threat a man poses to a woman. What she did was its own category of wrong. We don't need to use language that suggests it's in the same category as posing a danger to someone's person. It simply weakens the point that what OP did was wrong.

All this.

He gave his side and said he felt unsafe. The OP being smaller doesn't mean she couldn't inflict harm on him mental or physical and even stating that she's smaller than him makes me feel like there's more to this.

He's entitled to end the relationship for whatever reason.

I'm sorry you're having an awful end to the year OP.

Legally, he was unsafe.

And we don't know his history - he may have felt emotionally unsafe as well. We don't know what the interractions in his own upbringing was like.

I don't know why you're so determined to criticise him. Do you have so little imagination?

I really hate the word ‘unsafe’ because, to an oldster like me, it confuses the picture about whether someone is in danger.

But it seems to be the term du jour to indicate any experience a millennial / Gen Z person does not feel they should be expected to put up with.

Taken in that sense, I get where this man was coming from.

When someone’s behaviour is volatile and manipulative, it is anxiety inducing - even if you know you’re not at risk of physical violence.

Blocking someone’s exit from a room is a massive escalation, and a person who does this either can’t control their impulses sufficiently to be in a relationship, or fundamentally doesn’t believe that someone who disagrees with them should have the right to autonomy.

Both are big red flags.

As is the fact that OP believes it is ‘unfair’ for someone to end a relationship with her on the grounds that he’s unhappy, which rather suggests she doesn’t care about his experience in the relationship as long as she has what she wants.

My level of imagination is neither here nor there. I haven't criticised the man, merely the inappropriate use of language, and explained my thinking.

I haven't criticised the man, merely the inappropriate use of language

That's - criticism.

Did you actually block him?

Holding him hostage probably wasn’t the best solution. Nor was being so emotional over a small disagreement.

Maybe try to be more relaxed in future.

Anyway OP, I hope that you can see his side a bit more now.

I do think it sounds like you would benefit from some therapy, to work through your attachment issues. Hope you're OK.

I'm not sure this thread has gone the way the OP hoped it would.

It's not really a question of what's fair or not, because any person has an absolute right to end a relationship for any reason. There's no objective standard for whether your behaviour was worthy of breaking up or not, the only thing that's relevant is whether he was willing to accept it. Some people have very firm boundaries in respect of the behaviour they'll tolerate from a partner.

I'm so sorry you're feeling heartbroken - it's really hard when relationships end. Time will heal. Your person is out there.

I doubt he ended it over one argument, even if he thought you blocked him from leaving. It may have been a final straw.

I'm not blaming you OP, but it's always good to be honest about how we conduct ourselves in relationships, just as it's always good to be honest with what type of person we hook up with. Sometimes it's just a recipe that doesn't work, over and over again it doesn't work.

Try look after you, be happy in your own skin, be confident. You don't need a man, nobody does, but if you are a truly content and confident person on your own, being with someone and the trials and sometimes difficult times in a relationship may be handled better. No need to cry your eyes out over a small argument.

Someone doesnt have to be fair. They just have to not want to be in the relationship.

It does sound rather dramatic tbh. What on earth was the argument about that had you in that state?

He wanted to leave. You tried to block him. What did you expect him to do? Shove you out of the way? He had every right and was very sensible to leave an escalating situation.

You can leave a partner for whatever reason and however nice a person is. You’ve given him the ick, or perhaps he’s using that as a convenient excuse. Whatever, it’s fair that he can end it.

Of course it’s fair. A person can split up with who they want and do not need to justify it

Is it worth asking him if any other of your behaviours contributed to the break up? If there is a pattern of this happening, it might be worth asking for honest feedback to improve future relationships?

A few months into dating, you shouldn't be having such horrible arguments. The relationship wasn't meant to be, move on.

Yes, it's fair.

No one should he in a relationship they don't want to be in to keep another person happy.

Only you know how you behaved but if you were crying a lot and blocking his way from leaving, that would lead me to end a relationship too.

Either this was a crappy relationship and you just refused to see it or it was too much for him. So either work on your emotional resilience in the New Year or work on your own boundaries in a relationship.

Any drama like this so early into a relationship, would have me running too.

It is abusive to block someone from
leaving when they have expressed the intention to do so.

The second he lay a finger on her to try and leave she would have been able to say he instigated things getting physical between them.

I agree with him, the situation was unsafe. You say it’s a disagreement but you got such heightened emotional reactions you blocked his exit while weeping. You say you don’t have form for this but clearly hadn’t considered his side of things before he told you how it made him feel. You could very well have made partners feel this same way before.

With kindness it sounds like you need some therapy before you’ll be ready to have an emotionally mature connection. Work on yourself and your relationships will be easier.

I would end a short term relationship if a minor argument caused an emotional maelstrom, sorry. Too much drama, not worth it.