No friends

[Aliceinwonder1]

I've had a lovely Christmas with my family (husband, 2 kids and we've also seen both sets of grandparents) however this period has really made me realise I do not have friends! I am seeing so many people have get togethers, meals, Christmas parties with friends and or course new year's eve parties and it's just become really apparent even if I wanted to throw a party I'd have no one to invite that would come. Feels pretty sad for a 35 year old woman.

I have my sil but she has a fairly big social life so I'd never be her chosen- more of an option if others say no to going to dinner or something. I have accepted I won't really have friends, I've had some I've considered so close in the past to then just be ghosted so I'd probably be wary now anyway but today I feel sad and a bit pathetic about it all.

I worry it's making me anxious around my kids friendships too as even in school I didn't really have good friends. I see so many people who still have same friends from school, high school and college but I didn't really have any from there.

Not really sure what there is to do, I've tried making new friends but I think most people are at a point they have their circle so I'm just an add on not a true friend which I understand. Just feeling a bit sad about it today.

Never had many, even at school it was more of a friendly with everyone but no close friends. Had some from an outside of school thing I joined but I don't see any now.
I've had a few friends as an adult who I thought were really close, think bridesmaids type thing but I got ghosted which really did hurt at the time and even now makes me feel rubbish.

I'm just always the add on but never the friend that's wanted first. I have a couple of friends I've made through the kids and they're nice but they have their own friends but we try to go to dinner once or twice a year.

I started trying to do childcare for my daughters friends as thought that could help develop friendships but nothing came of it. I am worried my daughter also doesn't really have great friendships but not sure if I'm projecting as I know how lonely I was in school.

You aren’t alone, lots of us just never had close friends for some reason. But you do have a husband, who is most probably your best friend, and two lovely children. You can’t ‘make’ people be your friend, but I bet you’re a nice person. Don’t stress about it and enjoy your family.

Yeah I’ve been thinking about this recently- a lot of my friendships never really got going again after lockdown. I try to arrange meet ups but I feel it’s always me initiating which in turn makes me feel my company is not really welcomed.

It doesn’t really bother me day to day but I do get FOMO when I see others have group nights out or weekends away “with the girls” as I’ve never really had that since school/university. I should probably just stay off social media!

I agree with this in the fact my husband is my best friend and I love spending time with him and the kids. However there are times I do feel lonely, and also this realisation that if I needed someone or something happened I would have no one to call. Not even to do the school run if I needed it.

this is very much the case for many people, I have a wonderful DH and great relationships with his extended family, but no real friends only acquaintances and some people I speak to online but don’t speak to in person.

my wicked sister has friends she spends lots of time with but when I talk to her (rarely) all she does is describe how terrible they are and how badly they treat each other, constant oneupmanship, envy and bitchiness. I have had friends in the past who were not real friends because they never seemed pleased for me and only wanted to gossip about others or hear about misfortunes. I don’t miss them

I’m a bit like this. I never had time for typical girls stuff as a teenager and that has continued into adulthood. I never enjoyed shopping, fashion, makeup etc but give me a maths puzzle and I was a happy girl!
I know a lot of people but am also happy with my own company.
Thankfully I’m in a job which exercises my brain every day and I work with a lovely bunch of people. 🙂

Even before lockdown it wasn't much different for me. I agree with the feeling not welcomed, I often feel it's me trying and then I feel a bit pathetic as I suggest it but it doesn't really happen as they're busier than me so nothing gets sorted.

That's the type of thing I see or hear about which makes me a bit sad as I'll never have that, no spa weekends or girls trip and as much as I love going with my family it's a different vibe plus my husband doesn't like spas and my kids are too young yet so I'm a while away from a spa weekend 😂

I do like those things but just never clicked with anyone I guess. Sometimes I think I never found my people but surely that should have happened way before now.

I work with nice people but I also know if I left I'd never see them again. They all live quite far away from me too so not really a social thing as it is but even old jobs I hear from no one. Sometimes makes me feel totally forgettable and a complete add on- no one's first choice.

Yeah real friends are hard to come by as I see a lot about the two faced friendships and knew a few in the past, always made me think about what they were saying about me.
I just want true friendships, ones where successes are celebrated and genuine happiness for each other. I don't seem to have that nor anyone I can talk to about anything, other than my husband but he has quite a linear approach to things and sometimes I just want that different view.

Do you instigate meet ups? I have ASD so friendships don’t come naturally to me, but I learnt early on always to be the instigator and built up groups that way. Ok have very few friends that I’d see one on one, but some groups of friends who I can go out with or that also have kids we can see as a family with our kids too. You mention your dd at school, instigate play dates and group play dates, help her build her friendships that way and also yours if you organize some where mums would come too (cinema of soft play trips).

I think it’s quite common, especially now we all tend to work full time , it’s hard to fit in extra friendships!
i personally have been burnt a few times by people I would of considered a friend for life . And as such decided that I wouldn’t become closer than good acquaintances again. This has helped my mental health massively and the last three four years have been the most steady I have ever had, and I have spent more time with my husband and children (exactly how it should be)
I have a friend I meet with about once a term for a cup of tea, and some colleagues that I go out with maybe twice a year .
if you are sad about it I suppose the answer is to extend a few invitations to people you know and see if anything come from it. - but don’t think you are alone , it sounds fairly common to me

I just want to say OP, I feel the same way as you but I actually am different to you in that I don’t really make much of an effort with people. The stupid thing is though that when I do and when I spend time with others I have a lovely time but often just can’t be bothered (even though I then feel sad about not seeing anyone).
I have a small child and try and make an effort for him to meet up with others as I want him to have a social life, even if I don’t much. I’m an only child as well so I hope it’s not something about being an only (I don’t think it is though as I know of lots of people who were only children but have lots of friends as adults).
I don’t know what I’m trying to say really but just that you’re not alone, and it does feel a bit shit and sad some days (esp. at this time of year) 💚

I did but got a bit fed up with it always being me as actually made me feel worse.
Mine are over the age where parents would come to the play dates now- but I tried all that when they were younger.

Been thinking about this a lot lately as am the same. No one smiles when they see me, no one thinks my name for coffees,vmeet up etc, whatsapp was silent for Christmas wishes and will be silent for new year. I've tried to nurture the connections but stepped back as it wasn't coming to anything. Have mostly made peace with it but this time of year is hardest. Hear your worries about effect on kids and am the same. I hear you but have no answer sorry.

Thank you. Makes me feel better.
I understand about the being burnt,think sometimes I do hold back a little or close myself off when it feels I'm being used/not welcome.
I do extend invitations still but probably less than I did. I am just aware that if mothers are friendly the kids tend to be invited places too so I don't want how I am to impact my kids.

Thank you. Think it's this time of year when you see so much togetherness that makes you really feel that you're not part of anything.

I'm sorry you are feeling the same. I relate to everything you've said but also don't have an answer, the silence at this time of year is very loud anr it can feel very lonely at times can't it.

When you look at your life right now are you happy with your set up or do you have space to develop friendships? You could join a hobby or meet up group to increase your social circle.
i don’t have lots of friends, ive had friendships in the past that have drifted (like playgroup friends thats moved on once kids went to school) . I have a couple of old friends (from childhood) that I see once or twice a year. Dh has his friends that we occasionally do meet in a group with and I’m friendly with a couple mums from school (like occasional texts and meet up for coffee every month or so) but I’m also busy with dh and kids. When kids are older if I feel a gap I will join a group or something and try to develop some friendships.
btw I am over 40, for my fortieth dh and I had a weekend away, I did a family meal out and we went out with my two old friends and dh friends for a meal. I would also struggle to gather people for a party!

Although im still in contact with friends from school and uni, most of my close friends i have met through work over the years (actually dont work with any of them anymore which has helped become closer!). Since covid though even with hybrid and some jobs obviously always being in person seems harder to make friends.

Are there any clubs locally you would enjoy? I run a crochet club at the pub and also run a casual touch rugby club- lots of people make friends or just enjoy the company when its on!

I don’t think you’re ever too old to make new friends, mine have arisen through work, evening classes, hobbies etc. Could you do some volunteering? Start a book club? It may feel like you making all the effort initially but true friends are out there and really enhance your/their life.

I’m like you. I can make friends but I am terrible with keeping them. I find it is just so much effort.

I find I’m only social because my partner is social.

I enjoy doing things by myself. My favourite time of the day is when everyone else is asleep so that I can have some peace and quiet.

I have today only discovered I was in a school group chat from 2024 and never even knew 🤣

The people there were really trying hard to connect with each other.

Posting this link because people shared suggestions and some had positive experiences to share: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5462488-if-you-know-an-adult-who-has-struggled-to-make-friends-what-honestly-do-you-think-is-the-reason?page=2&reply=149401740

I felt the same. My DSIL had weekends away with the girls and I had no girls and no desire for spa weekends. Two different besties drifted away. Felt very lost.

Fast forward to now and I can't fit everything I'm invited to into my diary. I've tried many things, some not fruitful at all, just move on to the next thing. I'm heavily involved with a sports club now and get to see other people hitting it off with new friendships.

It's weirdly comforting to know I'm not alone but also sorry to those feeling sad about a similar thing.
I have joined various clubs to make friends and it doesn't go anywhere. Then I actually end up feeling terrible because I see certain people from the clubs are together and going out regularly and I'm not invited.
I think I'm just really aware I'm not the person people choose but instead am just an option way down on the list- even for family members unfortunately.

I have accepted I won't really have friends,

Well there you go then. If you accept it, of course it’s a done deal.

I struggled to make friends until I was 33ish, the last 3 years though my life has really filled out. It’s doable!

Can you spend some time doing a sort of life inventory/evaluation. List things you’re proud of having done, positive things you have in your life, things you love doing, people who love you. Just might help you stop wallowing. Then you might get some ideas for things you want to do, and you’ll meet more people that way. Also remember not everyone has to be a BFF. Acquaintances who keep you ticking over socially are very important.